What Rings Your Bell

Hitting the mark or falling short, in attempts to love and be loved

You send her flowers and she says thanks but that's the end of it.  You sneak into his apartment while he's away and clean it 'till it's immaculate and he barely notices.  

Why are you doing these things?  You are trying to make your loved one feel loved.  But, somehow it didn't work.
 How about you?  You hear lots of declarations of love and that's nice 'n' all but it doesn't make you glow inside. 

Here's a true short story of success in this kind of effort.  The grandmother of my daughter's friend worked in a department store with a big parking lot.  While she was at work, her boyfriend came and put all new tires on her car, unbeknownst to her.  I don't know what happened when she came out from work and found that surprise but, I do know that everyone heard about it more than once!  It became a story we all remembered.

Another one:  An employee had a nice looking handbag.  I asked if she had bought it at a discount store we all frequent.  She said, proudly, as she lifted it up for display:  "Oh no, this is a Louis Vuitton.  My fiance got this for me!"  The pleasure and pride in her voice were a dead giveaway.  This guy had hit the mark!

So why do you sometimes feel so delighted and loved by others' efforts to make you happy and other times the effort just seems nice but falls short of a home run?  We each have our own language of love (there is a book by this title, Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which discusses these ideas in detail).  

You may just jump for joy and have a big smile on your face when you receive a gift.  And, yet, when you thoughtfully try to please your mate with a surprise gift, it gets a bland, "Oh, thanks honey, nice of you." 

~For each of us, there is the one thing that really rings our bell.  If you pay attention to your own reactions, you know what that is.~

 Some, like the lady with the new tires really feel cared for when their partner does something for them, a favor, a helpful chore,  works to solve a problem they have or even, just thoughtfully brings them a cup of tea.  Some, like the woman who was so on-goingly happy with her designer purse, just have a big response to gifts.  

A gift doesn't have to be an object, by the way, it can be tickets to the game, or treating your significant other to a night on the town.  Some people find gifts to be a loving act and some see them as a perfunctory ritual.  
There are people who react very positively to hearing the words, "I love you." or "You mean a lot to me." or "You being there with me meant the world."  I have had 2 clients who were actually in a not so good relationship all because the partner called them sweet names ("Honey",  "Babe", "Gorgeous")  And, again, others will nod politely but not necessarily feel loved by verbal statements. 

Maybe, instead, they really feel cared for when they receive affection. 

So, here you have four very common actions meant to convey love:  Gifts, helpful efforts or doing for the other, affection, expressing love verbally, and what else?  Can you add some other typical acts intended to express love?  

~The important point here is not only to figure out what works for you but also to pay attention!  Notice what makes your partner glow.  Try one of these or, another  that I haven't listed here, or each of them, and notice when your partner lights up, as a result.~

 As you learn about the language of love-your own, your partner's and, even, others who are in your life, you will be happier and your relationships will benefit.

Did you experiment?  Please share what happened. 

Friends and Lovers

Joy in relationships

"One of the deepest pleasures is being truly seen, and loved anyway. 

And being seen in a false way---what could be lonelier?"

Author unknown

We all have  a  persona, (a Jungian term for how we present ourselves to the world).  We need this.  We can't go around exposed all the time to anyone and everyone. 

But with some people, those who are in your inner circle, http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/geography-of-your-friendships.html , it is worth revealing your real self.  Why?  Because this opens the door to emotional intimacy.  This is an experience in life that is both exciting and peaceful at the same time.  It contains the feeling of true acceptance by the other as well as deep empathy on your own part.  

Actions such as those below, offered to a loved one, can put us on this path:  

• authenticity
• transparency
• sincerity
• openness
• respect
• warmth
• prizing
• concern 
• liking
• understanding  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Both intensity and great comfort can be found in an emotionally intimate relationship.  The moment of emotional intimacy can be just that, a moment, or it can be a long exchange or, it can happen even in a time of no words, a time of only being in each other's presence.  It can be fun, funny or profoundly serious.                 

If you want to grow in this way, that is, in how close you are in your primary relationship or how deep your friendships are, you can begin considering taking off your mask with certain people.  Take note---we must be selective about whom we share with in this way.  Try to choose the people you open up to, carefully.  You want to share your inner self with others who will honor that, who will see it as a privilege, and who will also be honest with you. 

Have you felt either of these---popular for a false self or, conversely, loved for your true inner self?   I invite you to share your experience in the comment section.

What It Takes

Primary requirement for a solid relationship

For a couple to feel satisfied and secure, for a marriage to be firm and enduring, there is, in my opinion, an essential requirement.  That condition is that both people are fully there.  Neither are reluctantly there.  Neither are only partly in it.  There is no sense of, "I'm here unless something better comes along"; there's no scanning the horizon for the greener grass on the other side of the fence, no roving eyes.  

Evaluation time is over; there's no longer any score keeping nor tallying of who has the better deal.

This position is deeper than commitment.  Somehow that word sometimes implies a discipline.  At this level, the decision has been made and is no longer pending.  It is experienced as a profound knowing of the one about the other and about oneself.

It can become a state that is beyond confidence and that imparts a sense of safety.  Doubts are rare.
If questions surface, they can be checked with the other, openly and honestly, simply and immediately and answered in the same manner.

This is a part of the foundation for a true partnership.  It usually takes time and experience to reach this state.  It is one of the blessings of consistent effort on individual, personal growth and  thoughtful, conscious attention, to the relationship

All in.

Are you in an all in relationship?  Will you write a little here about how that is?

Defensiveness, Part II

High level defenses

             As mentioned in the 1st post on this subject (http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2013/01/defensiveness.html) the so-called "defenses" can be highly adaptive.  They represent optimal coping with stressors.  So, while like the other lower defenses, they do protect one from anxiety, they are more a way for a therapist to consider the coping style of a particular patient than they are a problem.  
Some of you reading this may find it enlightening in looking at your own patterns and bringing them into more conscious awareness.  It could, potentially, also be a way to grow, i.e., you could try to emphasize these, if they are already in use or develop them if they are not.

Some, such as anticipation and altruism are commonly known and recommended.  Think of how often you have heard someone say, "I can get through this (difficult thing) if I have something to look forward to."?  And, often that person will set up a reward for themselves at the end of whatever trial they have to endure.  Altruism is also frequently recommended, usually by volunteer workers.  It isn't unusual to hear someone engaged in this activity to say, "It helps me more than it helps them." or "I get more out of this than the people I am helping."  There are many avenues to altruism so knowing that such an effort can enhance your functioning makes it something to seek.

One that women are often known for, affiliation and another that men are usually credited with implementing more easily, self-assertion are, nonetheless, available to both genders, used by both men and women, and are highly adaptive defense mechanisms.

You may be surprised to know that humor is counted by the American Psychiatric Association as a defense.  Not always, of course.  But, here's an example from my own recent experience that will make it clear.  A friend had a symptom that led his doctor to order a stress test.  He did very well on the test and when the cardiologist was reading the results, she said:  "You did very well for an obese male."  He told me this as a joke.  It was immediately obvious to me that this would not feel very good when it was happening.  I could have said that-I could have cut through his defenses and sympathized with the possibility that this was hurtful.  I decided not to challenge his coping choice and joked back:  "Did he say, old obese male?" (not an elderly person but, at the older end of middle age).  We both laughed a little and he got to report the incident and remain intact.  
Another place where humor can be used beautifully is with couples.  Partners who can joke with each other about their own foibles and their less than optimal patterns with each other, benefit!  It's one sign of a healthy couple.

Self-observation, counted as a defense, can be used to mediate and bring thoughtful awareness to emotional conflicts. A post devoted to this topic is, Seeing Your Self.
The final 2 of the APA's list of the highest defense levels are sublimation and suppression.  Suppression is when we purposefully say, "I am not going to think about that."  It means excluding a thought or feeling, by various measures such as distracting oneself. 
Sublimation is the diverting of an impulse or emotion into a more productive or socially acceptable avenue than would be if it were expressed in it's original form.  The most common example is when a person declares that they are going to "...channel their anger."  So, instead of beating up the drunk driver who messed up your car, you volunteer for MADD or make a donation to this or any institution working to curb drunk driving.
These defenses are understood to promote balance, gratification and awareness.  They can be evaluative functions and  can ease conflicts. 

Did you find something of interest here?

  

Love

Some, such as Nelson Rockefeller and Mother Teresa believe that love is the most powerful force there is

"Love is sometimes shown in the things you don't say, don't keep track of, and don't notice.  The greatest kindness is often shown in letting things go.  None of us is perfect, but we can all be perfect friends and perfect partners by allowing those we love to be imperfect."

Neale Donald Walsch

"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."

Dr. Wayne Dyer

Regrets

Trying to keep your slate clean

"The bitterest tears shed over graves

are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

  

---Harriet Beecher Stowe

Forgiveness is one of those states that seem so much easier to reach once a person has gone.  Why not try to imagine that and reach the state of forgiveness while they are still here and you can tell them.







How has forgiveness touched your life?

Communication

Some people call it "dumping"

 Two of the worst things one can do to another in a conversation is interrupt and not listen.  This last one can happen anywhere but, in fact, happens a lot on the phone.  Sometimes, one of the people is doing something else while having the conversation.  Don't fool yourself, the other can sense that distraction even though they can't see you.  People sometimes think that they can sort of half listen, or listen superficially, or multi-task or just listen to key words and get the gist of what the other is saying.  It doesn't work.  It can't be done.  The result is, either the communication is completed with misunderstanding or pretend understanding or, it takes more time due to one having to correct the other, i.e., "No, I said, Ms Smith not Ms Jones." 
Time (not enough of it) is often the reason for this attempt to have a conversation, an exchange of information or a visit without really paying full attention.  It's a kind of energy conservation or, attempt at that.  It's an effort to be efficient.  Often it turns out to be less efficient than if both had actually paid attention in the first place since things have to be repeated.

Interrupting is another matter, and, very annoying.  If you really want to make a point and you get cut off, you will have to wait, hold your focus, respond to the deviation and then, bring the thread of the conversation back to where you were going so that you can make your point.  
Why do people interrupt?  The not wanting to really listen, as discussed above, is one reason.  Being impatient is another.  Often it has to do with being, not in an exchange, but doing a diatribe.  In other words, the person who interrupts is only listening to the other enough to be reminded of something or to use the other's offering as a jumping off point for another idea of their own that they want to express.  They are not truly engaged in an exchange. What they want to do is discharge, rant, or lecture.  That is a one-sided type of communication.

A real conversation is mostly made up of listening and responding, on both parts.

In some cases the reason for not listening is deeper than just feeling rushed.  It may be defensive; possibly the person is trying to to avoid hearing difficult information, maybe they don't want to be influenced, or there may be another personal reason.  As the reader who wants to learn about yourself, this is where it gets interesting.  Do you ever notice yourself pretending to listen or politely faking it or doing the interrupting thing?  You can self-reflect on this:  Ask yourself why.
As for those who fake listen to you, you already know that it is tiring.  A good conversation should leave you feeling fine, not weary, not annoyed, not vaguely discontent.

~Rather than enervate you, a good conversation should invigorate you.  You should leave feeling intact (boundaries not violated).  Neutral is okay but if you leave feeling enhanced, that's a conversation wherein both people were real (open, honest, congruent); that is the stuff of emotional intimacy.  You should not leave feeling depleted and if you suspect you are leaving others a little worse for the wear, it might be enlightening to put some attention on why.~ 

(What kind of conversation do you think the people in the picture are having?)

Have you had experiences like those described in this post?

A suggested post if you wish to think further on this topic: 

 http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/08/paulas-five-communication-steps.html

and there are also 10 more, enlightening posts on this subject of communication. 

The Magic Formula Revisited

Having fun as a couple

 Here's an idea that came to me as a result of reading another blog, Kim's Counseling Corner.  She is a child therapist and so her blog has a different slant from mine, but, I find that she has some wonderful doing-type ideas. 

In this case, what got me thinking is her idea of having family members put down on a piece of paper an activity that they would enjoy and place it in the Family Activity Jar.  On some regular basis (once a month? once very 2 weeks?  -- whatever fits your family schedule), a paper is ritually drawn out of the jar and the whole family does that activity together.  The purpose is to increase positive family time.  I would add that it is a democratic family experience for the kids---well, for all family members, really.
http://kimscounselingcorner.com/2012/05/10/staying-connected-as-a-family/ 

So, it occurred to me that this would add a little twist to the idea I put forth in The Magic Formula post: http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/04/magic-formula.html:  Why not each partner in the couple put their wishes for the couple's date in a jar and when it was one's turn to plan the date, that person drew an activity idea from the jar?  Just a way to make it more of a surprise and a little bit more fun maybe. 

How do you and your mate put fun into your relationship?

Attachment and Transformation in Therapy

When the therapist fails.

Sometimes it happens that a beloved, depended upon therapist dies suddenly.  One of our Grand Rounds presentations was by a colleague who had this unfortunate experience when her analyst, with whom she was in the middle of her work, suddenly passed away.  (this was by Robin A. Deutach, PhD and called, A Voice Lost, A Voice Found:  After the Death of the Analyst; tell me in the comment section if you want to hear more about this talk.)  Also, The Healing Hour, by V.C. August tells the story of another analysand who lost her therapist.  "Every love relationship bears the risk of inevitable loss, and so to offer one’s heart is always an act of emotional courage. The two main characters in The Healing Hour are not a likely pairing. The narrator, V, is an independent, feisty, witty businesswoman who is in a committed, happy relationship. Dr. Alex is a psychiatrist who helps her when she becomes quite ill with lupus, a disease that puts V at risk of losing both her eyesight and her business. But it is only a short time before Dr. Alex herself becomes ill, terminally. The healing hour now involves V’s support and feelings for Dr. Alex. The memoir shows how being willing to love everywhere — your mate, your career, the streets of New York, your family, and then, even your doctor — can be healing for everyone. Even the readers.")
More commonly, will be the situation where the therapist succumbs to the flu or a sinus infection, a virus or some other medical problem.  Besides not being above human ailments, we are also in a closed room for nearly an hour with sick, symptomatic people a lot.  Why do people come when they are ill?  Some of it is probably wishing to avoid paying the fee for not having given adequate notice to cancel the session.  But, also, therapy can make a person feel better.  It isn't talked about much and I haven't seen any scientific studies on it, but, I do think that therapy can contribute to good health, overall.  After all, our bodies are not disconnected from our minds.  Your therapist is probably one of the most compassionate people you can see when you are feeling lousy.  Even just that is sometimes enough to create a relaxation response which, if nothing else, relieves pain (and that is documented).

I've had a lot of therapy myself and done personal growth and self development work almost all of my adult life.  I think it is in part, a result of that effort that I don't often get sick enough that I have to stay home from work and I am generally healthier than average for my age.  But, recently, I did come down with a bacterial infection---not something one can power through.  I
was forced to cancel appointments at my office.  It was interesting how my patients reacted.  There was a whole range, from some who simply took it as an ordinary bump-in-the-road type life event, through those who felt quite sorry, to those who were angry.
 It made me recall an experience I had, many years ago with my dear therapist of the time, Marty Johnson, MFT.  While I was early in my career then, nonetheless, I was a practicing therapist myself.  I was an adult. But, when she called and left me a message that she was sick and had to postpone our appointment to the next scheduled time that we had, I called back and left her a message, asking her to call me.

  Despite being an adult professional myself, I was quite dependent on her at that point.  I feel a bit chagrined as I remember this.  (Poor thing.  She did call me, though she felt so poorly, and I really didn't have anything to say.)  However, from my current vantage point, I  recognize that some dependency is a normal stage of therapy for most patients.  I went through that stage with her and, eventually on to a good conclusion of the therapy and came out with more independence than I went in with. 
  With my most recent therapist, when he called, sick or, once when he had to have a knee surgery, these things were no problem to me.  So, I got to see my own growth by comparing the two experiences.  I share it partly because it is a good illustration of how therapy, while engendering dependency to some extent, eventually can afford the patient more autonomy.

You have to be willing to trust your therapist enough to allow that dependency to develop so that you can then grow out of it.  If you stay at a more superficial level in the relationship, you can utilize the therapist's ability to problem solve, you can enjoy the sympathy when airing out your difficulties, and still gain a lot from time in therapy.  But, if you want deeper changes, you have to agree to hold that person in a special position within your own psyche.  Meanwhile the therapist, for their part, has to be capable of carrying whatever projection their client has on them.  This is why it is important that we (we therapists) do a lot of personal work and sort out our own issues as much as possible, so that we can hang in there, in that neutral, compassionate, holding position as long as you need it.                                                                                                                                                                                Artist JohnMaggiotto
This is an exposition, in brief, of part of why I have said previously that the therapy relationship is central to the success of the therapy; it is part of the source of healing.

Does this post remind you of any of your experiences?  Please share.

(For a related article on dependence and autonomy, re. adult couples and parenting relationships, rather than the therapy relationship as I have written about above, take a look at this one:  http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_people_are_not_feet?utm_source=GG+Newsle) 

Vulnerability

An inspiring video

  If you have 20 minutes, this is an encouraging video to watch.  Like many talks and books, it gets better as it goes.  Get past the 1st 2 minutes and then she, the speaker, starts rolling.  By the time you get to the end, you'll get to the good stuff.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I think that if you watch this, you'll find that it fits with my message here at the blog.

Let me know.  Did you like it?

Dalai Lama

May 16, 2012  -

The many factors which divide us are actually much more superficial than those we share. Despite all of the things that differentiate us – race, language, religion, gender, wealth and so on – we are all equal concerning our fundamental humanity

The Magic Formula

Keeping your marriage happy

 The formula is:  Date night, once a week.  A weekend away, once a month.  A real vacation, just the two of you, once a year.

This formula can be adapted to your circumstances.  Maybe you can only find time for one date a month, for example.  But whatever pattern you decide upon, it should be sacrosanct; date night is date night, the whole family knows it, and it will be honored.   The date can be simple or elaborate, as your means dictate:   It can be a simple picnic or an elegant evening out to dinner or the symphony.  The point is that you reserve time for a pleasurable activity, that you enjoy together.  The same goes for the short trip away together; it can be a Friday night camping trip to the beach or a weekend in the wine country at an elegant hotel, whatever works for you.         The idea is  to                                                                                                        Artist Charlotte Kruk

 get away from all your cares, obligations, and worries and have some relaxed time together.  By the way, these times are not for  discussing problems.  You can set aside another time for that.  

I have one couple who like to trade planning the date and the one who plans it invites the other.  If you are a couple who each like very different activities, it's an opportunity to try to please the other. 

You are invited to join in the conversation here.  Please comment below.

Love On The Shelf

Don't leave your most important relationship to languish

 A new couple came to see me to consider beginning marriage counseling.
They've been married a long time, have grown children and some little grandchildren.
They've known each other since they were kids.
They are middle-aged now, still working at their careers and actively engaged with their family life.  So, what's the problem?
Their marriage is withering on the vine.  Why?  It's been left unattended for most of their married life.

They say they did try counseling once before some years back but it sounded as if their participation was half-hearted.  Apparently the counselor made some suggestions, they tried them for awhile, then just drifted back to their old ways.

Since her mothering role is no longer needed, she has developed a hobby; she goes walking w/"the girls".  As the group got into better condition, they started to  go on hiking trips several times a year.  She is very fit, has close friendships with some of the women in the group, and is devoted to this activity.  Meanwhile, he is the kind of guy who likes to putter.  He spends time in his garage, tinkering.  He's handy, so he likes to tune up the garden and house on the weekends.  He also keeps up a bit of an exercise program but it is more for health purposes rather than as a hobby.  Neither one of them is much interested in what the other is doing and she wishes he would get out more like she does.  He wants her to be more like him, a homebody.
In their presentation to me, both acknowledge there's a problem in the marriage and that they've "grown apart". 
But, their solutions are the same:  They each want the other to change.  They each like their own activities and the way they conduct their own individual life and don't volunteer to make any changes themselves.                                                              Artist:  Elizabeth Frank

These people have part of it right; you do need to be an independent person with a developed identity of your own before you can be emotionally intimate with another.  But, what is missing is the attention to the relationship itself.  There is nothing shared, no mutual interest other than the extended family events; they never make plans to do fun things together.  They share no pleasures.  They each obtain their primary gratification in life from independent interests.  When they talk to each other, there is no listening going on and there is anger in evidence as well as defeat.
In addition, they each see the other as wrong and in need of correction but are doing no self-evaluation.  (This is the key)

Remember the post, You Can Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar?  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/05/you-can-catch-more-flies-with-honey.html
It almost seems as if they could save some money and just follow the suggestions in that post, doesn't it.  Well, that would improve their happiness but, of course, their problem is more complicated than that so they do need a therapist---to see beneath the surface and to decipher the interpersonal dynamics.  So, hopefully, they will make the commitment to work on their relationship in therapy.

~However, their case as I've outlined it above, does illustrate the point, that relationships need nurturing.  Too many of us think that we can busy ourselves with all of the many responsibilities and interesting activities of life while our relationship will take care of itself.  No, not really.  Marriage is not the solution, marriage is the beginning.  Marriage means you have something in your life that is central and that you need to attend to, on-going.  It needs to be given your energy, your time, and your thought.~

What kind of relationship do you want would be a good question to begin with:  Do you want comfort?  Is a romantic relationship what you wish for?  Friendship---maybe you want a life-partner-buddy.  Do you want to plan adventures together or do you want to develop a beautiful home life?  Do you want a close confidante or more of a business-of-life partner?  Whatever you want, communicate about it with your mate.  See if you can come up with a shared vision.  And then, put some effort into manifesting that vision.  Wishing you good fortune in that endeavor!

If you are interested in reading more about relationships, click on that label which is on the landing page.  There is also a label that lists all posts that talk about communication.
Your comments are welcome.

Even More, On Empathy

Empathy is the one gift we all have to give

 For sometime now, I have been noticing an absence of empathy in the couples I see for counseling, in my practice.  I also see it in  some individual sessions, when the patient is reporting on some other person in their life or, on an interaction.  It is a relatively new phenomenon to notice.  I attribute this to three things:

• It's a sign of the times
• I reached a level of experience as a therapist where I was able to discern this
• It's not being taught to people as they grow up

 I realize that the large swath of Americans who would identify as belonging to the middle-class are really struggling right now.  I think that this could be a big part of the reason for the withholding of empathy ; people are saving their energy for catastrophe. 
I have been through a foreclosure on his home with one of my patients---after a successful family life and a career, his kids fortunately were grown when this happened,young adults---he lost his job.  Next was the painful process of losing his house.  Now, in his early 50's, he is living with his elderly parents, in their house.  

I have another person in my practice who is trying to find a job as her husband's health is failing and tells me that she cannot even get her resume looked at by potential employers because they are so flooded with applicants.  

So as people see this all around them, they are on alert, trying to protect what they have, feeling like the rug may be pulled out from under them at any time.

When their partner expresses distress of any kind, they don't want to hear it.  They want their partner to just be okay ("Please, don't add another burden to my shoulders."). 

 Sometimes, if the worry is a shared one, they don't want their own, barely-under-wraps anxiety to emerge, so they don't want their spouse to talk to them about those anxieties.  If the partner's trouble is individual, they just can't tolerate listening to much about it as they begin to feel overwhelmed very quickly.

Also, parents are feeling pressed and sometimes alarmed by the changes in the world economy and can barely do the minimum for their children, much less even think to teach them about empathy.  (this is something that was taught to children when I was growing up)

Of course, this is one of those things that can be reversed into a positive feedback loop.
I f you think how disappointed you feel when you go to your mate for comfort and get the cold shoulder,                                                                                   

 

 you will not want to do that yourself.  We all need sanctuaries and sometimes our mate can provide that, emotionally.

I think that when I see couples  complaining about their partners feelings, moods, worries, that they are telling us that they, themselves, are very stressed.  However, we can't all, always mend our own wounds.  Sometime we need help and sometimes we need to assist others.  Human beings are 'social animals'.  We do not thrive in isolation.

Empathy is different from sympathy.  It means, as the saying goes, walking a mile in someone else's shoes.  ("You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, 'till you climb into his skin and walk around in him awhile."  from To Kill A Mockingbird)  Think how relieving it is when somebody 'gets' you.  Or, even, if they don't exactly get it right, they at least, try.  Think how lonely it is to believe that you always have to solve all of your own problems by yourself.  Maybe spending a few minutes thinking about this will inspire you to offer some empathy when the opportunity next presents itself.

You can make the world a better place.

Last post on this topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/10/more-on-empathy.html

The Attempt and The Effort

Something good that can happen between people

 One of the subtle but lovely experiences that can be had in therapy is seeing another person trying to understand you, being with another person who is focused on you, thinking about you, and trying to empathize.  

Sometimes the therapist will 'get it', sometimes not.  But knowing that someone is paying that level of attention to you and what you are expressing can be an unequaled experience, but---you have to notice it.  That sort of activity can be somewhat quiet.

It isn't only therapists who are capable of giving this sort of attention.  You can do it.  Try giving that level of attentiveness to someone in your life when they are trying to express something.   (It also feels good to do it!)

To love is to give one's time.  We never give the impression that we care when we are in a hurry.

Paul Townier 

Please comment below

What's Your Offer?

How You Present Yourself to Others Tells What Kind of Relationships You Will Have

What do you say to others---with your body language, your tone of voice, the way you dress, how you greet someone, what you talk about and all the other aspects that go into how you involve yourself with others?

These behaviors are affected by how you see yourself; how you feel about yourself will determine, in large part, how you engage with other people.  If you have a problem with yourself, such as a poor self-image, you will be likely to experience some problematic relationships in your life.  Sometimes when it seems like someone else is giving you trouble, you, yourself are actually the source of the problem.  If you think that your self-concept is contributing to unhappiness, it's a good reason to go to a therapist.

• If I feel I am no good, I will hesitate to seek out others as friends...I will also tend to repulse overtures to friendship made by others (even subtly), because I feel unworthy.

• Conversely, if I see myself as a growing person, I will take initiative in interpersonal transactions

• If I see myself as weak and needy, I will probably present myself to others as a dependent person (and thus tend to attract co-dependent people).

• If I see myself as riddled with problems and coping poorly, I may expect others to become my helpers.

• If I feel good about my own strengths and resources, then I am free to accept others with no added baggage. 

•  If I  like to be in control, I will probably attract dependent types.

•  If I like to be the star, I will  draw people who like to stay in the background.  

• If I am clear about my values, I will attract like-minded people.                                                                                                            

 (some of the bulleted ideas were written by Gerard Egan and modified by me and some, I wrote; can you think of others?)

                           
 These snippets of how a person may feel about themselves show you how your own self-image can affect who you attract into your life and how those relationships develop.  The other person has their own set of personal circumstances, for sure, but it is the interaction of the two that creates the relationship for good or for ill.

Maybe they can start you thinking about yourself and what you bring to your relationships.  Might be interesting!

How do you see yourself?  What do you bring to the table?

San Francisco Hearts

 Happy Valentines Day

"The heart has its reasons which reason does not know."  Pascal

Wired to Care

            Compassion and Health, The Benefits of Feeling for Others

 "One might assume that watching someone suffering would cause stress and raise the heart rate,” Stellar said. “But we have found that, during compassion, the heart rate lowers as if the body is calming itself to take care of another person.”  Greater Good Science Center.

I took this quote from a report on a study done comparing class differences in how people respond to suffering in others.  For our purposes, I think it is interesting to note (as I have mentioned before, in passing, on the blog) that compassion is actually good for you.

It might seem like when you empathize with someone else's suffering that it is deleterious to you.  But, this is not what the studies are showing.  It seems as if we are wired to care.  Possibly this is why it has long been noticed that volunteer workers are happier as a result of their volunteer activity.  Of course, volunteer work isn't always about helping the less fortunate.  In my community, for example, there is a a very active volunteer group that is doing riparian restoration projects.

But, most volunteer groups exist to provide assistance to people who need help---the elderly, children in juvenile hall, rape victims, the disabled, children having problems in school, crisis intervention hot lines, peer counseling, homeless shelters, lunch programs for the hungry, and so on.

The first time I ever did any volunteer work, I was only 14 years old.  There was a Cerebral Palsy Center on a street we often passed through.  One day I told my mother that I wanted to work there.  So, I became what is often known as a Candy Striper.  We were like young, junior nurses.  But we had no clinical training.  What we did was organize games and art projects and music experiences for the kids.  We socialized with them and offered the acceptance of 'normal teenagers'.  It was wonderful for them.  We just integrated into their group and it made them feel less, sequestered away as if they couldn't or shouldn't hang out in the regular world.

These children and adolescents were severely disabled.  I remember when my mother used to come to pick me up, she would sometimes say,  "Oh!  I don't know how you can do this!"  But, I didn't feel that way at all.  I knew each of those kids as individuals.  I had little relationships, friendships of a sort, with them.  It seemed natural to me.

I still remember some of them.  One boy had muscular dystrophy.  He was in a quite advanced stage, had to be in a wheelchair and during the time I worked there, I saw him losing more and more muscle strength.  He was so discouraged and angry.  His mind was fully functional and normal.  He wanted so much to be doing all the things a teenager at that time would expect to be doing.  He was frustrated at times because some of the kids at the center had developmental disabilities (reduced intellectual capacity).  So, for him, we were a ray of sunshine, a relief, a respite, and our presence was something that he looked forward to.

When you read his story, it probably seems sad to you.  But, in all honesty, while I saw very clearly his predicament, I was there to help and be involved in a positive way.  That's what we all did and it was fine.  It was good.  It felt right.  It just seemed like the thing to do.

Credit:  Photograph of tree by Ping H. Chen.  

             Bottom picture is of a clay Tree of Life, made by an artisan in Mexico, carried here, by hand, by me and another family member.

Emotional Intimacy , Trust, and Pair Bonding

Have you been unfaithful?  Has your partner cheated on you?  Here' a little information about that difficult topic.

 2. Resisting Infidelity Depends on Sexual Personalities. Lots of studies have shown that our personality traits—like extraversion and impulsivity—are related to whether we cheat on our mates or stay faithful. In 2011, researchers found a feature of our personality called "executive control" is really important for sexual fidelity, especially in terms of our ability to resist flirting with attractive members of the opposite sex (Pronk et al., 2011). On the opposite side of the coin is the trait of avoidant attachment, as people who are romantically dismissing tend to pay more attention to attractive alternatives to their current mate and such people also stray more over time (DeWall et al., 2011). Finally, Mark et al. (2011) found that among women (but not men), being dissatisfied with one's relationship matters as much as our personality in predicting infidelity. Being able to stay focused, feel real intimacy, and chose a satisfying partner all seem to be keys to unlocking our most faithful sexual selves.
Psychology Today excerpt

According to these studies, infidelity results from a combination of personality traits with/and, the individual's level of satisfaction with their relationship.  To complicate matters further, I would add that culture or social influences are also in the mix.  In other words, is it expected in your social group that married partners will stray at one time or another?  Is it believed to be 'natural'  to seek sexual variety by engaging with people other than one's primary partner?  If you are a member of a social group that supports marriage, extra-marital sex will most likely be frowned upon.  These social mores have an influence. 

So, as you consider these three aspects, who are you thinking about?   This is information you can use for evaluating yourself.  Most people, while reading the above excerpt, will be analyzing their partner.  But, in marriage, and in long-term, committed relationships, you are what you can control.  You are the whom you can change.

Last night I watched the movie, Unfaithful.  It is a compelling story about a person who becomes involved in two intimate relationships at once.  At one point in the film, this character's friend foretells doom.  She says:  "Affairs always end in disaster."  It is the case in this story.
It isn't always true in life but, often it is.
I have seen couples, in my practice, make their way through discovered secret liaisons of one partner and back, to a strong bond with one another.  It takes both people wanting the relationship, a sense of value not only on the relationship but on oneself, the ability to forgive, a willingness to learn, and the devotion to really work at figuring out together how the problem happened and how to re-build trust.

There have been entire books written on this subject and, yet it is still so difficult to talk about.  For those who believe that they are in an exclusive relationship with another and find that they have been betrayed, the hurt is searing.  So, it is a sensitive topic.  But, if you have not had this unfortunate experience, it may be prudent to do some thinking about it,  as a preventative.  For those who have been through this loss, I encourage you to have hope.  Even a wound this deep, can be healed.
Please comment.  Your sharing your thoughts or feelings here may be helpful to you and will be helpful to other readers.

An Inconvenient Convenience

The I-Thou

 The truth hurts.  Or does it?  Maybe it might, in the short run. In the long run, usually not.  Exceptions?  Yes.  The exceptions are that we don't need to volunteer every little thought we have, to our partner, just because it is true.  The obvious example is, for most couples---the passing attraction to a stranger on the street does not need to be shared.  This is unnecessary.
For some, unnecessary hurt.  For others, just a little pinch.  But why?  No need to do that.  No, we're not talking about that here.

The point here is that lying, in large part, diminishes closeness.  It is such a habit for some people that they may never think of this:  That to steal a free-ride in the moment, they have robbed themselves of empowering their relationship in the long run.

The blessing of being truly known, really seen, by another, depends in large part, on honesty.  By the same token, for you to get close to that other person, you have to know them.
In fact, the more deeply honest we are with each other, the more potential there is for real intimacy, emotional intimacy.  (BTW, that makes sex better too).  But, even in relationships other than your primary relationship, presenting your self simply and honestly enhances your chances of closer friendship with that person.

If you are fortunate enough to be the recipient of a piece of honest, open communication from another, do this:  Listen.

Take it in.  Consider what you are hearing.  Try to understand it.  Refrain from advice-giving and judgement-making.  Just realize that another person has honored you with their truth and now you know them better.  It's a gift, isn't it?

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