Stress Reduction, 3

If you tend to see the glass as half full, you may enjoy increased longevity.

 Fill your glass up if it's half empty.  One study found that optimistic people lived an average of 8 years longer than those who are generally pessimistic.


It is interesting to observe yourself.  When, for example, you are discussing a possible outcome of a situation with someone else, do you take the view that it is not likely to come out well?  Do you usually point out the pitfalls?  Are you the one who says, "Yes, but, this bad thing could happen or, such and so could go wrong." ?  You might think you are protecting yourself this way but, read the 1st paragraph again...

Also, notice others.  Do you know anyone who almost always looks on the bright side?  What do you think of them; do you think that they are unrealistic? 

If you find that your usual habit is to be a 'doubting Thomas', skeptical, or expecting the worst, ---this is something you can change.   When you see yourself do it, stop yourself, try reversing it in your mind.  Gradually, you can develop a new habit, a healthy habit of being optimistic!

(This is the completion of a series of 3 posts on the topic.  Stress Reduction http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/08/stress-reduction.html, Stress Reduction, 2  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/08/stress-reduction-2.htmland this Stress Reduction, 3.  Hope you enjoyed and found them useful) 

An earlier post on the subject of stress:  Stressed Out!!! 

You, a Legend in Your Own Time

Being Who You Want To Be

Is there a particular quality you just so wish you had?  One that you admire in someone else?  A way you want to be?  

How about versatile or adaptable or the one who can 'go with the flow', the easy-going person. Possibly you like the opposite of that, the energetic type, the one who is always ready to go on to the next thing, an adventuresome type.  Maybe you'd like to be seen as elegant.  Perhaps you'd like to develop an ambitious, independent spirit.  Or it's more important to you that people see you as being friendly.

There are as many choices as there are people, what do you place a value on? 

Think of whom you admire; what is it about that person that provokes that feeling in you, the feeling of admiration?  Once you identify the quality, you can begin to develop that characteristic in yourself.  Yes, you can!

Why not?  First take it apart into it's components:  If it's elegance, what are the parts that add up to finally giving that impression---beautifully groomed? composed? great posture? excellent manners? 

How about friendly?  How does a friendly person behave?  Are they relaxed in their demeanor with new people, do they open up themselves in conversation, smile, show interest in others?

Once you have the components, you can begin practicing them yourself.  Yes, you can become a person you, yourself admire. 

Once you have chosen the quality you want to adopt, let me know what you are working on.

Your Vision

                             I believe that All human beings are creative beings

"Inspiration comes from everything.  It is the spark within your soul that entices you to create, the need to leave behind something greater than yourself.  Whether you are creating works of art or designing your day, the creative soul needs a place..." or a time or the unoccupied space, to be able to emerge.

Organize your life so that there is some time for your dreams to be dreamt, your thoughts to be formed and your vision to become more and more finely tuned.

(quote from Soft Surroundings and art piece from Anthropologie)

Paying It Forward and Benefactors

Giving with a purpose, generativity, and discovering your natural inclination to give/help others.

Recently I was sitting in a cold, BART station  on a colder cement seat next to a woman who was eating from a bag lunch.  It had been a long day in San Francisco for me and I was tired and hungry.    I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she kept sneaking glances at me-I was just sitting there, still and quiet, waiting for the train.  Then she offered me a tiny red box of raisins out of her lunch bag and she said:  "You enjoy it but then, you do something for someone else.  Okay?"  I agreed.  She then told me she makes a practice of doing this:  I recognized the practice.  It's called paying it forward.
 Related to The Butterfly Effect, paying it forward is more purposeful.  The one who offers the favor expects the receiver to reciprocate with some one else and extracts that promise.  It is purposeful passing it on whereas in the butterfly effect, we do kind acts on faith.  Paying it forward is an effort to make things different in the world.  There is a wonderful film on this topic called Pay It Forward if you are interested in seeing a fictionalized version of how this would actually be acted upon.

The concept of paying it forward is one of many examples of giving with a purpose.  Sometimes we give out of obligation-for a birthday or holiday; we may give because it is called for culturally; gifts are sometimes given to grease the wheels of business transactions, or to enhance an apology.  There are thank you gifts and gifts of reciprocation.  Gifts are a part of many kinds of relationships-between individuals, families, businesses and countries.  Nonetheless, a goal is attached, even if it is simply the loving one of seeing happiness in another.

Erik Erikson, who wrote about human beings as continuing to go through developmental stages throughout life,---not just as children, coined the term "generativity".  Generativity is one of the characteristics of maturity and usually emerges in late life, according to his observations.  This kind of giving, often in the form of charity work, volunteerism, or mentoring, represents the urge on the part of the giver to leave a legacy to the next generation.  It is a wish to help younger people and to offer up and pass on what one has learned, in life or in a particular field of specialty.
There is yet another type of giving, one that has no name as far as I know.  I researched this idea and didn't find much.  It is a recent discovery for me so maybe we are pioneering new territory here---I don't know.  If you recognize this, (or even if you don't, maybe you can create a name for it), let me know.
Here's a story about this kind of giving:  I have a long-time friend whose husband is very successful in the financial world.  I asked him for some help managing my financial matters. This wasn't easy to do because mine are 'small potatoes' in comparison to what he ordinarily deals with (big business clients).  However, he readily agreed.  When I tried to express my gratitude, he graciously said:  "What are friends for?"  I have met with him at his office several times now over the course of a few years.  When I am there, his entire attention is on me and my matters and his staff is at my disposal; I am treated as if I  were no different from his most important client.  He has only done a few things for me as I have been reticent, reluctant to impose on such a generous person.  But there has never been any sign of limits on his part.  He just seems to wait until I ask and then, he helps me. 

Because  I have felt sort of befuddled about how this was occurring in my life, I have put a lot of thought into it.  I remembered that the Chinese culture has a concept about benefactors.  The idea is that we each have the possibility of having a benefactor cross our path in life.  This would be a person who just, in some way, provides you with something beneficial to you, without remuneration.  Sounds like part of an explanation but still...

Then, one day I realized that I do this myself.  I'm not referring here to how I might put my heart out to a client in my practice-above and beyond what I am paid to do as my job.  I am not talking about what I might do for my child.  No, none of that.  I am talking about helping because I can.  Or helping because I can and I've been asked.  Or seeing a need, having the ability to fill that need, and then doing it.  This is giving that has no cost: It does not deplete the giver.

 People who know me as extended family or as close friends will sometimes come to me with a personal conundrum or even a life crisis.  It never occurs to me to not help---I just do it. When I began this blog, I did it because I wanted to offer to the world, what I have learned (and am learning); I wanted to make available to anyone anywhere, who could get to a computer, but did not have access to a private practice therapist, a part of what that experience is.  I put a lot of thought and time into these posts and I am not paid anything for this work.  Some people in my life have wondered aloud to me why I do that.  It's actually quite difficult to explain.  I just feel strongly that I want to make this offer.  And, so I keep doing it. 

  So, it seems that some people have this aspect in gear and some don't.  (Also, some are doing it but aren't aware, as I was).  It would seem a very foreign idea to someone who has not felt the wish to do this.  But, those of you who are doing it, will, perhaps recognize what I have described.  Do you?

Your Question of The Day

"Do you have any specific long-term goals?

What is one and how do you plan on reaching it?*"

Follow up question:  "*How often do you step back and reflect upon the way you are living and where you are headed?  In what way will reaching your goals make your life more satisfying?"
The Book of Questions
by G. Stock, PhD

To All Intents and Purposes

                            Harnessing the power of your own intention

 One of the most powerful ways to manifest your own destiny is through the use of your own intent.
When you have a real purpose, a clear goal, and believe you will do it, you have an intention.  Here we are not referring to wishful thinking, longing, yearning or irresolute fantasies.  Intention starts with a true decision.  I might go so far as to say that you must have a sense of conviction about your idea, whatever it may be.
It could be about any number of things, as we've been discussing in the examination of how to be a force in your own future.  It could be simple as in, I intend to stay focused on business and not procrastinate at work today.  Or, it could be profound like, I am going to draw joy into my life experience.  Or, anything in between.  The point is, when you make the choice in your mind or write down your plan or tell a supportive companion:  "This is what I will do.", that you mean it.

Once you effectively accomplish that initial step, sometimes remarkable things will happen.  (and sometimes they won't---no guarantees--- but, it doesn't hurt to make the attempt!).  It can happen that the very thing you propose will be manifested with your only having had to state your intention.  Indeed, I have seen this occur.  Or it may be that you have to hold and nourish that thought consistently for a long period of time.  Sometimes you have to take difficult and repeated actions focused on reaching your goal.  In that case, having your eye on the ball will support your effort and keep you from wavering.  You can also come up against having to sacrifice something else important to you in favor of your goal.  Stay open and ready to seize upon it if something resembling your objective emerges; it does happen that sometimes you get a version of what you set out to manifest; it may look a little different than your original mental image or, on the other hand, it can be exactly as you imagined.
(Another post on a related topic is titled, Charting Your Course)

In Ben Affleck's film, The Town, one of the main characters states an intention about half way through the movie.  In this case, the intention meant a huge life change.  There were many obstacles thrown in his path.  However, he kept repeating his intention, verbalizing it to others as well as making attempts to act upon it.  Some of the others were supportive and, some opposed him due to their own self-interests which they viewed as being in opposition to his goal.  (This brings to mind a point that some make about this process; it is sometimes recommended that you share your intention with others in your life whom you expect will be encouraging.)  The film character, through all of the hurdles put in his way and despite terrific odds against him, remained resolute and unwavering.  He kept repeating what his intention was and never gave it up.  I won't spoil the movie for you by telling what happened in the end, but this character is an excellent role model for working a personal intention. 

Set your sights on what you know is the right next step for you, in your life, and see what happens!

Find Your Future---Lost in Thought

Your inner source of inspiration

 The French have the better word, for how to begin to design your own future.  A reverie is a resource for your vision of your life and how you want it to be.  There are three posts on the blog on the How's The Fit topic and four on the Charting Your Course topic.  If you haven't been following these, the first group is about whether or not your life, as it is, is right for you.  The second series is about how to influence your own personal future, specifically discussing dream/vision boards.
One way to access your inner knowing (the implication being, that this is present within you---it's just a matter of accessing it) of how your life would best play out is through musing, daydreaming or reverie.  Sit and look out at the horizon and let your mind wander; do not censor it; just notice what comes up.  If you practice meditation, you will recognize this technique of letting thoughts emerge and pass by without attaching to (or dismissing) them in any way.  But even if you have never attempted a formal meditation experience, every person is capable of allowing themselves to become lost in thought or of daydreaming.

"Imagination is everything.  It is the preview of life's coming attractions."  -Albert Einstein
Apparently this very smart individual believed that there is power in our thoughts; what we imagine is what will be.  That's an exciting possibility to consider. Certainly, at the very least, we can discover possibilities for ourselves and potentially discover wishes and interests that were not previously conscious.

"When you dream and imagine, lights turn on throughout your brain, creating billions of new neurological connections.  This ability to form new connections through imagination and dreaming is our ultimate human gift, allowing us to move beyond our limitations and rigid old habits, creating new possibilities and realities that were not possible for us before."-Anat Baniel

.Allow yourself to dream and pay attention to what is revealed and you will empower your own imagination.  Maybe you dream of being a painter, an artist, even though you have not been artistic before.  Putting some focus on it makes it a possible aspect of yourself that can be developed.  Let's say you wish you could live in a cabin in the woods---you have a dream about this, it feels lots of ways to you-quiet, peaceful, calm.  The next step is to clarify the picture in your mind's eye; fill in the details, make the image as clear as you can.  Make it vivid!  Use your imagination to connect to your inner passions and thereby increase the likelihood that they will eventually manifest in your actual outer life.
Maybe your dream is to live in a big hotel.  Don't dismiss it out of hand, even if it seems outlandish.  It won't hurt to nourish your dream, it will energize you and possibilities do exist.  You don't know what can change, be added, or transform in your life. 
Many people who have not found someone to share their life with wish for a relationship; they long to find a partner with whom to share life's journey.  Instead of feeling sad about the absence of a partner, begin to open yourself to the possibility of a suitable person entering your life and the development of a good relationship.  If you place this firmly in your vision, it is much more likely to happen.  A dream board is one way of working on this; find pictures that represent the qualities you would want to enjoy in that relationship.  Perhaps you will find poetry that portrays the lifestyle you would want.  Maybe there are real couples in your life whom you admire; put something that represents those couples on your dream board.  Sometimes just having and working on the dream board leads a person to action they had not previously thought of. ~  I once had a friend who was in this position; she decided to make a real concerted effort and went to everyone she knew and asked them to introduce her to any single men they knew whom they thought might even be a remotely possible match for her.  They did.  She's been married for 15 years now.
Perhaps you need to find a healthier you in the future.  Or maybe you need to become less combative with the others in your world.  Maybe you need to deal with people at work in a different way.  Maybe there's a use for a benefactor to enter your situation.  In other words, nearly anything, from an enhancement/positive improvement to serious problem solving can benefit by the application of your imagination.
In my own life, I have had four instances of success with this approach.  One was through imaging, one was a wish, one was an intention, and one was a feeling.  I will write these stories if you put in the comment section that you want me to.  Imagine that!!!!

Has a dream come true for you?  Have you tried imaging a different future for yourself?  How about envisioning yourself with a new personal quality?  Please share your experiences with influencing your own future.

Your Question of The Day

"If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one ability or quality, what would it be?"

The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.

Protecting Your Own Highest Good

  Prize your personal treasure

What is it that is central to you?  Essential.  Can you pick a condition or a personal state or an activity in your life that is the most important to you?
One way of zeroing in on what that one most important thing is  to make a short list first.  Then, imagine life without each one.  It's a way of backing in to feeling what you value most highly, if you don't know what it is for you.

This is partly a personal post-because I had been thinking about this for myself.  What is my most precious priority for me?  And, how will I protect it?  Then, as will sometimes serendipitously happen in therapy practices, a patient came in talking about that very subject.

In his case, it was quite sad as he had lost the most precious thing to him---so, here was a case of recognizing what was personally important, after the fact.

Whatever it is, it will be known only to you.  Others who are close to you may be able to make a good guess, but, only you can truly declare what that essential-to-you thing is. 

 It may be your religion, it may be your marriage, it may be your health, it may be your freedom, it may be your family's well-being, it may be your work, your business, an interest you pursue with a passion, maybe it's a person; it could be so many things.  

What is it for you?!

What I am considering myself is, how can each of us, once having identified that thing, sustain and protect it.  It seems that there must be a commitment.

I remember one former patient who had suffered great personal losses in her life.  She once told me that, at a certain point, she decided that she wanted a life that contained as few stressors as possible.  To that end, she had made many choices to create that condition for herself.

Sometimes we may have to give up something else to keep our one thing secure.  We may have to do things pro-actively to nourish it.  Above all, try to not have happen what did to the fellow I first mentioned who, inadvertently, despoiled his own most important thing---by neglect.

He, sadly, did not realize the significance of this thing in his life until it was lost. 

 So, first and foremost, identify it for yourself!

Your Question of The Day

"Can you envision how you are likely to look back upon the things you are doing today?  If so, how much do you try to live now as you think you will one day wish you had lived?"

Credit:  The Book of Questions
by Gregory Stock, PH.D

Reverse Charting

                       How to create your own 'self-help book'.

 Here is a different approach to charting your course. We've been talking about designing Dream Boards and Vision Boards:  These offer a way to make a visual image of what you would like to see manifested in your life.  They can include whatever aspects of life seem important---ambitions, relationships, self-development, career, problem resolutions, wishes---whatever the designer wants to include.  It is an excellent way to focus and clarify your concerns and goals.  In addition to offering a readily available reminder of your goals, holding the image of your vision, actively in your mind, is a way of energizing the possibilities.

Today I am going to share a method I have been using myself for many years.  It is, in a sense, the reverse of what I've described above.  It is a kind of caring for the future in reverse, by documenting and learning from the past.
"Let me listen to me and not to them."  Gertrude Stein
 As I move through my days, doing and being, I read something occasionally that is striking to me. Sometimes another person says something surprising , but meaningful to me.  I may have a dream that conveys a message, important to me.  Something difficult or distressing may happen and I have to think long and hard to come up with how I want to deal with that kind of situation in the future.  Questions come up that I want to ponder.  I come across a new idea that I want to remember.  Maybe I have a personal issue that I am struggling with.

 These and other things that are uniquely pertinent to me, I write down, usually on my calendar.  At the end of each year, I follow a ritual.  The ritual is to go through the entire year and put each note, each little scribble, each scrap of a notion, into my journal.  As a result of following this practice conscientiously for a number of years, I have several self-help books that are  specifically for me, they are Life Guides for Paula.  Sometimes I also put in pictures or my own drawings and I leave a little room between my entries because I really want them each to have a frame of space around them.  They have significance to me.  Mine aren't just a list.

The wonderful thing about such a project, or one of the wonderful things is that, of course, you can lay out your book any way you want.

What I end up with is a special, really deeper recording of my life than just the practice of writing down the events would be.  I have a record of the psychic flow of my inner self.  I also have an opportunity to pick out patterns and
repeated themes which helps me to see my blind spots and points me in my own particular growth direction.  I have a book of inspiration, just for me.  I have a book with guidance that couldn't be a better fit.

"I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose which I did not know."  Joanna Field
 A Life of One's Own

Do you like the idea of reverse charting?  Did you try it?  Let me know---





Note:  With very few exceptions, the illustrative photographs on my blog are my own.  The one of the path through the trees at the top of this post is not mine and, unfortunately I don't know the photographer's name.

Trusting Your Chosen Course

T

This post is a continuation of the writings on Dream Boards.
 Were you honest with yourself when you created your Dream Board?  As you search within, let your true wishes bubble to the surface.  At the beginning of your process, at least, try not to censure yourself.  You can always refine your quest later (Dream/Vision Boards are not made in concrete-they can evolve).  As you search your psyche for the seeds of your future, your inner images and intuitions should all be listened to.  If you remember your dreams, they, also, may offer a contribution (I think it was, again, Carl Jung

who said:  "an uninterpreted dream is like an unread letter.").  If part of your vision
seems odd (for example, most people might think it would be normal to wish for free money, but, maybe one of your longings is to work or to find yourself in a position to be a contributing citizen), all the better.  As I put forward at the very beginning of this entire blog, each of us is unique!  So, if it seems that some of your dreams are out-of-the-ordinary, so much the better!  It is probably an indication that you are closely aligned with the true you.

"The wisdom hiding in the ground resembles the wisdom within instinct, intuition, the gut; capable of meaningful arrangements if we allow ourselves to trust and get comfortable with it."  Craig Chalquist
To an extent, your Vision Board will self-organize.
Trust:  If it doesn't feel right, toss it.  If it resonates within you, it stays.
Patience is required for the powers of growth to manifest.
Your Vision Board is a reflection of you; you are the designer and it is your life coach.

This post is a continuation of previous posts on the topic of evoking your wishes to bring to consciousness a plan for your life; most are titled Charting Your Course

Charting Your Course #2

Tips to consider including in your vision/dream board (good for almost everyone)

~  Move.  Do not sit for more than 4 hours straight.  New research has identified this as the tipping point for initiating a cascade of physiological events that lead to metabolic syndrome, the first being the tendency to add fat to the waistline.

~Work.  But, if possible, work for 5 hours a day.  Reason:  Anthropologists think that our ancient ancestors (the hunter-gatherers) worked at those tasks-gathering plant products and hunting animals and fish-, and building fires, cooking, and whatever else they had to attend to, for about 5 hours a day.  So I am proposing that this is probably what we are designed to do and that we are stressing ourselves to continue beyond that amount of time.

 ~Anticipate.  The science of happiness has found that we are happier for much longer and more deeply, about a positive event in our lives (such as a trip, a party, a vacation, an anniversary celebration...etc.) if we plan it ahead, look forward to it and then re-visit it in our memory afterwords.  Seems like daydreaming is a good thing!

Charting Your Course

A way to envision & possibly promote your dreams for your future.
"If...one's destiny is shaped from within then one has become more of a creator, has gained freedom.  This is self-transcendence, a process of change that originates in one's heart and expands outward, always within the purview and direction of a knowing consciousness, begins with a vision of freedom, with an "I want to become...", with a sense of potentiality to become what one is not.  One gropes toward this vision...with no map, and no guarantee.  Here one acts as subject, author, creator."(credit:  How People Change by Allen Wheelis)

Two people have come to me independently of one another to share their own wish for their individual future.  One was a Hatha Yoga teacher and the other was a patient.  One called their personal template for the future a Vision Board, the other called it a Dream Board.  One had images and writings of that person's past, present and future.  The other had only the future portrayed.  One did a new board at the beginning of each year, the other had it, in process, as an on-going project.  One said it was so personal that she wouldn't show me and would not consider showing it to anyone, the other showed me part of his.  But these images, self-created and honest, felt very private (and important) to each of these people.

As you can see, this is an idea some people have for imagining their future, remembering their goals and noticing their past and present configuration as well.  Yet these two examples, at least, were very different in the method of manifesting the details.  What was in common was that these are concrete, visual objects created for the purpose of reflection and change.  Both are an attempt to live in a more conscious manner.

It has been popular recently to put forward the notion that if you hold a picture in your mind of what you want, then there is a better chance that it will be manifested.  I have had this experience myself  and yet, I have no way of giving instruction on how to make this occur.  And I have to allow for the possibility of coincidence.  However, if you have an intention, and you make it clear to yourself, whether it be with a vision board or a picture in your mind, or a prayer, or a written manifesto to yourself, however you can put in your awareness---you are more likely to move in that direction.  That, at least, is only logical.

(An earlier post related to this topic:  How's the Fit?)

Wth a View to Plenty

Abundance and remaining open to possibilities.

In Kundalini Yoga teachings there are some meditations designed to invite prosperity.  At least, there are two that I know of.  When practicing these meditations, Sahib Amar cautions us to remember some things:  Part of the purpose of putting one's focus on a particular concept is to increase one's awareness.  There are many types of abundance  so our definition should not be allowed to narrow; keep in mind that your definition can include a wide and unique-to-you array of items or experiences.  Most important, was her admonition to try not to miss the opportunity for abundance; she suggests that many opportunities or even offerings of abundance may come our way but if we are not open to the idea, we may just miss it!

It is common to think, when we are pondering along these lines immediately of, affluence, or monetary wealth.  I do not diminish the importance of having enough and as John Hollender said to me recently:  "Money greases the wheels of life."  And, I agree, money can make many things in life easier.  So it certainly counts as an item that can go on the abundance list.  But what are some of the other forms of abundance that we don't so often consider?  Personally I live in a location that offers vast views of the natural world,  existing in a fairly undisturbed state.  I count that as abundance.  Some people are multi-talented---might we say that they have abundant personal gifts?  A family may have an especially vibrant social life; it could be said that they have an abundance of friendship or popularity.  Those are just a few examples.

I would also add that the path to abundance--of whatever kind--may not be predictable.  So it might be wise to remain open to opportunities that present themselves in disguise, i. e., not what you would expect.  Just try to notice what occurs in your life, while holding in an open heart, the idea of abundance.

We are, in our society, quickly getting very practiced in an attitude of scarcity.  Try to keep some balance to that in your own psyche.  If you want to experience the sense of abundance now, try the tack described in the post titled, Gratitude.

Change is Possible

 A few days ago, there was a positive news story:  Hazel Soares, at the age of 94 fulfilled a life-long dream she had.  Ms Soares graduated from high school in the midst of the Great Depression---she dearly wanted to go to college---but, at that time, it was an impossibility for her.  But!  She never abandoned her dream.  At the age of 85, she earned her AA degree.  And on May 5 of this year, she threw her cap in the air as she became the oldest person to ever graduate from Mills College.
"With her diploma in hand, Soares said she plans to volunteer at a museum...I wouldn't want to sit home and do nothing, she said."

It isn't easy, as an adult, to strike out and do something different.  But it is, in my view, worse to deprive yourself of the experiences you long for in life just because it's uncomfortable to do something new.  As adults, we become accustomed to feeling in control, to having a sense of mastery over the activities we engage in.  But there is another kind of personal power in having the courage to be awkward, to do something new where you are in the role of learner.
You might ask yourself:  Is it worth staying with the comfortable and familiar to forgo my own vision for myself?

There could be, of course, many versions of the dream a particular individual might have for themselves but earning of a college degree struck me as such a good example as I have seen many people in my practice who didn't finish their degree or who never made the attempt at all---their feeling was all the same---one of missing something.

In addition, education is therapeutic.  There are so many things learned in the experience of going to college that are beyond just the academic subject matter.  Students learn about deferred goal gratification, self-discipline, how to research an idea,
how to express themselves in writing and I'm sure you can think of many more.  It is a personal growth experience.
So, award yourself the fulfillment of your dream and if college is it, more power to you!

Back to the easy-in-the-short-run route:  We all know that many people get 'stuck in their ways' as they get older.  Doesn't it stand to reason that this may happen in part by the repeated limiting of oneself to only engaging with the parts of life that were learned early on?  Isn't this the end-result of self-limiting behavior?

Whether it's in the therapy office, in school, or some other endeavor---
Make the choice to continue to learn.

The Geography of Your Friendships

"A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 Each of your relationships has a different degree of importance to you. Some may be almost equal, some may be quite different and yet, still, both valuable. An interesting exercise is to create a diagram of you in your relationships: You do this by drawing on a piece of paper concentric circles with a space in-between each circle, like a target. In the center circle goes your name. In the space between the line surrounding your name and the next circle goes the people closest to you in your life---your 'inner-circle'. The next person or people can go on the next line or in the next section. Some lines may have more than one name on them, and the circle design allows for that. As you continue, you will eventually get to those on the outermost circle who would be called acquaintances.

This is about the relationships; the question to ask yourself to determine who goes where is: How important is this relationship to me? Of course, you must listen to your true inner response for this diagram to be useful. Some of your answers will be obvious, some may surprise you.

When you finish, you will have a sort of map of yourself in relationship to others at this moment in time. Of course this picture evolves over time, for all of us. Or, once you have the picture, you may have some thoughts about purposely changing how this is working in your life.

It seems that we have a choice about whom we allow into our life or, if that doesn't seem to be completely the case for you, at least, there is always a choice about the degree of importance that you, yourself, assign to any particular relationship. It is my contention that we ought to seek out and nurture relationships with others who are encouraging to us, who, perhaps embody a quality that we find lacking in ourselves, or who in some way represent a positive force in our own life experience.
Have you ever lost a friend because one of you moved or some other happenstance occurred, and, surprisingly, found life was better without that individual's presence? Or that you felt relieved? Sometimes we fall into relationships out of convenience or propinquity or because that person pursued us. It is interesting to note when that happens.

Psychological theory tells us, however, that most of the time, we will naturally choose friends or become close with relatives, or partner in our work lives with others, who are functioning at about our own developmental level. We are usually attracted to people who are our equals and relationships with others who are more 'needy' or more defensive fall away naturally. But it is possible to do this with awareness.

As a child, if you were fortunate enough to have thoughtful parents, they did this for you. Most parents encourage their kids to be pals with other children whom they deem to be a 'good influence'. Part of being an adult is to be a good parent to yourself.
Wouldn't it be self-loving to seek out others who raise our spirits? Or who challenge us intellectually or athletically? Or who seem to draw the best out in us? It may sound too calculating to have your thinking cap on when you are making decisions about friends. But, I think that this process is going on anyway. Why not do it consciously?

Did you do this exercise?  Let us know what you found out.