You Can Catch More Flies with Honey Than with Vinegar

                                      How To Be Happier In Your Relationship

 Improving your relationship with your partner is something you can do, yourself, by practicing some new, good, relationship-building habits.  And, as a bonus, these also work on your other relationships. 
Paying attention is really important---not taking that other person for granted.  We all do it, but!---it isn't good!!!  After all, you don't want to be taken for granted, do you?  So, the best thing you can do about avoiding that unhappy experience is to not do it to others, yourself.
So, what do I mean by paying attention?  I mean greeting that person at day's end if you live in the same building, noticing what state of mind they seem to be in, really listening if they tell you about a difficulty they encountered that day and being the world's best cheerleader if they have something good to share.  Be sure to celebrate when you have a good thing that happens in your life together or even just make a big deal about holidays together. ~ Have happy rituals.~
Try to move away from the blaming tendency.  This I see quite often in my office in couples who come in for marriage counseling/couple's counseling.  I call it the Blame Frame.  It is not productive.  What is far better is to take responsibility for yourself.  "Accept responsibility for your choices."  Fred Luskin.  If you have been wounded in your childhood and in other past relationships, it is up to you to not let that infringe on your current relationship(s).  It is really a lot to ask of your partner that they avoid doing or saying some things because they may trigger a bad memory of yours.
~Taking responsibility means doing something to heal your own wounds.  I know it sounds like a lot to ask---all this responsibility-taking.  But, if we are honest, we must recognize that all relationships require effort and many are difficult.  So, allowing unfinished business to get  in the mix is an unnecessary added burden.  Problems are normal and will be there to deal with even without the interference of your personal history.  Pertinent post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2013/03/then-and-now.html

Also, make it a habit to appreciate your partner rather than to focus on their character flaws (which we all have).  Feel whatever affection you truly have for this person and find things to admire.  Try not to criticize the other person and especially not to demean nor devalue them.  These things are so damaging to the relationship whereas the first actions develop and strengthen the relationship.
It just makes sense to emphasize the positive and try to have it overbalance the negative.  Of course, it may seem obvious to you, as you are reading this.  And yet, how many of us really try consistently to do this? 
Happy couples do these things:

`Pay attention to their partner when it is asked for

`Try to stay calm during a disagreement

`In a fight, talk about their own needs /wishes and not their perceived deficiencies of their partner

`Assess themselves instead and try to change themselves for the better

`Make the relationship and emotional intimacy with their loved one a priority

`Maintain their positive view of their partner

"At any point in time, a relationship is either improving or declining.  Relationships are not static."    Tom Clark, LCSW

(Some of the above concepts were a part of a presentation by C. Carter and F. Luskin at the workshop, The Science of a Great Relationship)

Did you try any of these suggestions?  Would love to hear your comments.

A Game Plan

Posts related to this one:  Wise words From A Long-Term Patient, Stress-Reducing Methods, and a Little Lottery Win Each Day 

 How about helping yourself by preparing for the inevitable.  The inevitable being, there will be times that are not the best.  You may just feel down in the dumps one day, for no apparent reason.  The stressors in your life may reach a point where you feel overwhelmed.  Or, perhaps, you do not feel well for a specific reason---something has gone wrong, you have a thorny problem, or you've sustained a loss.
In any case, doesn't it make sense to put a plan in place in advance of something going awry in you or in your life?  This means that you have things ready to go to when you feel bad.  Once you already feel bad, it is much more difficult to figure out how to help yourself.
So, how do you begin to make this source of sustenance for yourself?  First, just begin  noticing the things that are particularly nourishing (psychologically) for you.  This will be quite individual.  No two people find the same things to be sustaining.  We have discussed the difference between introversion and extroversion, as defined by Carl Jung, in earlier posts; it's an easy example of a sort of broad-brushstroke-difference.  Some people will find it relaxing and encouraging to be with others, in a social situation, or, at the very least, out in the public, at a coffee shop or wherever there is activity and people.  On the other hand, some will find time to themselves a relief and a way to recuperate.  This is a basic propensity you will want to know about yourself.  (which way is your natural inclination)
~But, what else?  What can you do?

• Does music help you?  Make a CD of happy music---music that makes you feel especially good.

• Do words inspire you?  I have a list of words that put me in a positive frame of mind; it is ever-changing, but here are a few of those on my current list:  health, beauty, spirituality, counseling, personal growth, insight, light, rested.

• Most people find that physical activity raises the levels of good-feeling chemicals in their brain, so a work-out, (probably when you least feel like it!), would be very helpful.

• Robert Sapolsky,PhD,  who has been studying stress for many years, has recently found that the affiliative individual in a group (work?  family?  board position? etc.) has lower levels of stress hormones in their system than those who behave in an "alpha" manner.

• Pay attention to your body signals, just to be sure something is not amiss physically.

• Have you found certain books that really ring true for you?  I have.  I keep them in a special stack, for comfort if I need it.

• Some people find that a practice of meditation works as a balancing factor and serves to prevent or reduce the incidence of feeling down.  "A regular practice of meditation affects everything in your life for the better."  Tom Clark, LCSW

• Listen to your self-talk:  Are you repeating, automatically, in your own mind, self-denigrating thoughts?  Stop them.  Use kind words when you speak to yourself.

• Do you have a life plan?  Review it; get yourself back on track.

• "Stop paying attention to something no good or not right.  Pay attention to things that are good or right."  Tom Clark

• When good things happen, it is worth taking the time to record them---in your calendar, as I mentioned I do (see the post titled, Reverse Charting), or in a journal, or even make a special log that you keep along with your other items that are set up for you to help yourself when things get tough.

• Take a long, slow, deep, breath---it always helps.

• Review your accomplishments.  Why not?  You worked for them---reflect on them to give yourself a boost.

• Dress up.  Some people find they feel better when they look well. 

Whatever works for you, as long as it doesn't detract from anyone else; find those things.  Have them at the ready.  You know there'll be a time when you need some support.  Live with the reassurance that your personal retreat with your uniquely helpful items is there, at the ready.
Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, Third Edition

Pulling Weeds

           The refuge and safe shelter of a good friendship.

Sometimes you find yourself with people in your life whom you think of as friends but who are upsetting you.  This is disconcerting; you may feel confused about it and, even disoriented.  After all, friends are people who are in our lives by choice.  They are there because we want them to be.  We expect them to be a positive force in our experience.  But, that is not how it always goes.  So, when it becomes troublesome, what then?

Sometimes the problem is just a little snafu and can be dealt with easily or just absorbed by all the other goodness of the relationship.  If you have something more serious, such as someone who has a temper and starts suddenly blowing up at you and others, or perhaps you have a person who is very critical and begins to judge you---your choices, your behaviors.  Here are but two of many examples that could be possible problems.  Even these can maybe can be tolerated but if it becomes a pattern, then 
it is a problem that can't be ignored.
Let's take just a little look at the short-fuse guy.  If you are badly affected by temper outbursts and this individual likes to do that (yes, some people enjoy the burst of energy they feel when they get in a confrontation), then here is an example of someone from whom you may need to distance yourself.

"A friendship should be an oasis."  A friend is fun, a friend is reliable, a friend cares about and likes you and there is mutuality.  A friend is someone you can go to for respite when life is difficult, for sharing when life is good and for companionship whenever.  (What are the characteristics that are important to you in a friendship?)   A friendship should be an oasis from the vicissitudes of life.  (And, incidentally, are you an oasis for your friends?)
An earlier post, The Geography of Friendships mapped out a method for analyzing your relationships and what priority you want each to have in your life. 
This week Dr Laura (a call-in radio talk show host) advised one of her callers to pull some weeds.  She said:  We all learn, as life goes on, that sometimes there are toxic people present in our lives and it's then time to pull some weeds.

Just be sure that the weed that you pull out   isn't really a wildflower...!

Don't Take It Personally/The Value of Critical Thinking

 How to maintain your own position in the face of another's noxious disposition Have a co-worker who seems unable to keep in mind that other people in the workplace have needs too?  Have a noisy neighbor?  Or, maybe the parent of your child's friend repeatedly does irritating things.  These are a few examples of what most of us come up against at one time or another.  We will almost inevitably encounter these situations or something similar at some point. When we do, it's easy and very common to begin to believe that these unfortunate actions are aimed at you.  It's possible.  But, it's also possible that this person just lets off steam inappropriately or, in the current vernacular, "...   emits a pouf of toxicity..." just, randomly.  If you take it personally, it can poison your mood.  Pretty soon that person,  intentionally or not, has obtained a lot of power inside of your life.  (Have you noticed a big cloud of dark smoke in the middle of your house?!)  You find yourself ruminating about revenge, rehearsing in your head speeches you will make, imagining how you will vindicate yourself or defeat this other person, and discharging in long diatribes to your friends or spouse (or therapist) about this annoying individual. To let someone else's negativity affect you this way really is a choice.  That may be a  difficult idea to accept but if you do you will find that it is a very helpful one.  The most difficult of these scenarios is if the other person has legitimate authority over you as is the case where the poor behavior is perpetrated by your boss at work.  However, I think that, though more of a challenge, it is still possible to make the choice to not let this negative energy infect you.

So, how do you remain unperturbed?  1.  Take the other person's behavior as information.  Remain objective, not obsessed.  Don't allow yourself to be so strongly affected that obsession or depression result.2.  Remain aware always that you have choices.  Don't allow yourself to become enmeshed in a drama that feels out of control.3.  Ask clarifying questions (in your own mind, if need be) such as, "What is she doing?"  "What is his intention?"  "What's going on with her?"  In other words, instead of immediately becoming engaged and reacting, step back.  Take a step back, in your own mind, in relation to him or her.  Take a look at that person from your own point of reference.4.  Take a wait and see attitude5.  Maintain some objectivity, your own center, some distance, and your own integrity. Remember, that other person's sour state of mind will only affect yours if you let it.  

There's a Limit

"A friend is fun, reliable, and  reciprocal."  One person's definition of what a friend is or, should be. What's yours?
Here's someone else's thought about friendship:  "People throw around the word friendship like it's nothing.  Friend is a big word.  I don't call someone a friend easily.  A true friend is rare and to treasure."  
We sure are reminded, when we lose a friend, how important a role they played in our life. It's exciting to make a new friend.  Long-term friends have, however, a special value---that of being witness to your life---of being there to see you go through various changes and stages in your process.
Friends offer affection, distraction when we are troubled, feedback-suggestions-tips-comfort-and advice.  A few rare friends can provide wise counsel.
But, here is where a little caution is good to remember.  In those times, when your life is in real turmoil, some friends, albeit well-intentioned, can stir the pot even more.

For example, how about a fragile relationship between adult siblings and a friend says to one:  'It's so good to hear you say something nice about your sister.'  Maybe that leads to an internal re-hash of all the reasons there've been to complain.  The friend's well-intentioned remark was aimed at encouraging the relationship but, back-fired.

Another difficulty with expecting counseling from friends or relatives is that they are not objective; they have a personal interest, an 'ax to grind' or as one patient described it, as we discussed this issue, "...an agenda of their own."

When you find yourself with a major conflict, a prolonged presence of a problem in your life, or any experience that seems too much for you to contain and master yourself, consider consulting a therapist.   A therapist usually begins with a new patient with a neutral or sympathetique attitude, often develops genuine concern and caring over time but, always tries to maintain some objectivity and a view of the whole picture.  At the least, you can count on a therapist to listen a lot and to think carefully before speaking to you about yourself or your issues.  Therapists are fallible humans and can make mistakes-no doubt about it, but, by and large, this is how it should go.  Remember, even from a selfish point of view, the best outcome for you is in the therapist's best interests.  This is especially true of those in private practice as their livelihood depends on their reputation.  Consistently doing good work is the best advertisement.

Credit:  Second quote:  Larry Gray

Close Encounter of The Wild Kind

When you have encountered a wild animal, how did it affect you?  I would be interested in hearing your experiences.
I was outside, standing alone, it was quiet.  Suddenly, a big bird jettisoned out of the sky, felt too close to me and veered back up making a v shape.  In that instant I felt that animal's essence.  I had a moment of knowing it's way of being.
The words that come to mind to describe it are:
Doing
Focused
Instinctual
Primitive
Basic
Oriented
Determined
Adult
Purposeful
Intent
Strong
Sure
Vibrant
Powerful
Right now, in the Springtime, animals are at their most robust.  There's water available but it isn't raining, there's plenty to eat, they are mating and getting ready to reproduce, the air is clean, and the weather is kind.  They are in their element and full of strength and vigor.
This bird was doing what it does, and doing it neutrally---in that  there was no right or wrong, no moral imperatives, no questioning.  It was just living in the doing of what a bird does.
It occurred to me, in reflecting upon this intense albeit brief, encounter, that we humans have the capacity of wild animals at our core.  The overlays (remember the onion skin metaphor in an earlier post) tend to muffle this basic, primitive, simple and straightforward part of ourselves.
A bird, or a fox, or a bear do not second guess themselves.
~~~~~~~~
I shared this story with my colleague, Tom Clark.  When I finished, he said two things:
"Free as a bird!"
and, "You should write about this on your blog."  And so I did.

Success

From the essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Success"

"To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children;
to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived---this is to have succeeded."


(Dedicated to my friend Linda Schaeffer who just completed a magnificent career first as Director of an agency helping chemically dependent individuals and families and then designing and running a multi-aspect program assisting the elderly in Contra Costa County)