Our Uncertain Situation

We Live in Ambiguity

As certain as we are here now, we truly do not know what tomorrow will bring.   We function based on an educated guess but what we all know is that, we really don't know.  A lot of us try to pretend, to ourselves, that we know.   We do things to safeguard the future to try to make it as predictable as possible.  We know we will die but many of us try not to know that and, indeed, we can't know when or how.
A certain amount of denial is necessary, I suppose.  How would we function without it?  For example, we can't think every time we get into our car to go somewhere that we are in charge of a 2 ton weapon.  We'd never head out for anywhere!  Who would take the chance!  The current film, The Tree of Life seems, to me, to try to address or at least display this uncertainty in part.

Here is another offering on this subject:

September 19, 2012

"THE DREAM OF CONSTANT OKAYNESS

It’s not impermanence per se, or even knowing we’re going to die, that is the cause of our suffering, the Buddha taught. Rather, it’s our resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation. Our discomfort arises from all of our efforts to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness. When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness. Another word for that is freedom—freedom from struggling against the fundamental ambiguity of being human."  Pema Chodron

Sometimes people think that therapists are weird or therapists are different from ordinary people or, even, that therapists have magical powers.  Actually therapists have families, and problems, and bills to pay, and good luck and bad luck, and health issues and schedules and pets and so on, just like everyone else.
The one way that we may be different is in being more able to or, perhaps, more accustomed to, sitting in the ambiguity.     We have to learn how to not always have an instant answer for everyone.
We have to try not to decide for a client what is right for them.  For the most part, we do not tell people what to do.  We have to learn to position ourselves in the middle of another person's ambivalence or two-horned dilemma and see both sides. (You may notice that this is part of what makes a discussion of your problem with a therapist different from your discussion of it with a relative or friend.)   We have to be able to stay there with the patient while the patient struggles with their effort toward resolution. 

Sometimes our role requires us to sit with someone while they suffer.  Sometimes a therapist so wants to save that person or, at least relieve them of their pain in the moment,---of their sadness, with comfort.  But, that's just what it would be, momentary.  And, in so doing we would rob them of possible progress toward an insight.

We help people toward integration by staying with them and helping them stay with, and not avoid, their issue.  We are facilitators; we try to help our patients find their own way.

We tolerate what may ordinarily be uncomfortable so that the patient has a better chance of facing their own reality.

Here is a lovely quote on this topic, written by Tom Kelly, MSW, called Learning to Live with Not Knowing:  "Jung's concept of individuation is often misconstrued as striving for a nirvana-like state of bliss.  In truth, individuation---the process through which we form our own personalities

apart from others---is anything but a comfortable journey into wholeness.  Our psyche requires that we go beyond the familiar to confront the unknown in the world and the unknown parts of ourselves.  The challenges we face are giving up the illusion of control, developing a living and vibrant relationship with our own psyche, and learning to live with not knowing."

A Game Plan

Posts related to this one:  Wise words From A Long-Term Patient, Stress-Reducing Methods, and a Little Lottery Win Each Day 

 How about helping yourself by preparing for the inevitable.  The inevitable being, there will be times that are not the best.  You may just feel down in the dumps one day, for no apparent reason.  The stressors in your life may reach a point where you feel overwhelmed.  Or, perhaps, you do not feel well for a specific reason---something has gone wrong, you have a thorny problem, or you've sustained a loss.
In any case, doesn't it make sense to put a plan in place in advance of something going awry in you or in your life?  This means that you have things ready to go to when you feel bad.  Once you already feel bad, it is much more difficult to figure out how to help yourself.
So, how do you begin to make this source of sustenance for yourself?  First, just begin  noticing the things that are particularly nourishing (psychologically) for you.  This will be quite individual.  No two people find the same things to be sustaining.  We have discussed the difference between introversion and extroversion, as defined by Carl Jung, in earlier posts; it's an easy example of a sort of broad-brushstroke-difference.  Some people will find it relaxing and encouraging to be with others, in a social situation, or, at the very least, out in the public, at a coffee shop or wherever there is activity and people.  On the other hand, some will find time to themselves a relief and a way to recuperate.  This is a basic propensity you will want to know about yourself.  (which way is your natural inclination)
~But, what else?  What can you do?

• Does music help you?  Make a CD of happy music---music that makes you feel especially good.

• Do words inspire you?  I have a list of words that put me in a positive frame of mind; it is ever-changing, but here are a few of those on my current list:  health, beauty, spirituality, counseling, personal growth, insight, light, rested.

• Most people find that physical activity raises the levels of good-feeling chemicals in their brain, so a work-out, (probably when you least feel like it!), would be very helpful.

• Robert Sapolsky,PhD,  who has been studying stress for many years, has recently found that the affiliative individual in a group (work?  family?  board position? etc.) has lower levels of stress hormones in their system than those who behave in an "alpha" manner.

• Pay attention to your body signals, just to be sure something is not amiss physically.

• Have you found certain books that really ring true for you?  I have.  I keep them in a special stack, for comfort if I need it.

• Some people find that a practice of meditation works as a balancing factor and serves to prevent or reduce the incidence of feeling down.  "A regular practice of meditation affects everything in your life for the better."  Tom Clark, LCSW

• Listen to your self-talk:  Are you repeating, automatically, in your own mind, self-denigrating thoughts?  Stop them.  Use kind words when you speak to yourself.

• Do you have a life plan?  Review it; get yourself back on track.

• "Stop paying attention to something no good or not right.  Pay attention to things that are good or right."  Tom Clark

• When good things happen, it is worth taking the time to record them---in your calendar, as I mentioned I do (see the post titled, Reverse Charting), or in a journal, or even make a special log that you keep along with your other items that are set up for you to help yourself when things get tough.

• Take a long, slow, deep, breath---it always helps.

• Review your accomplishments.  Why not?  You worked for them---reflect on them to give yourself a boost.

• Dress up.  Some people find they feel better when they look well. 

Whatever works for you, as long as it doesn't detract from anyone else; find those things.  Have them at the ready.  You know there'll be a time when you need some support.  Live with the reassurance that your personal retreat with your uniquely helpful items is there, at the ready.
Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, Third Edition

It Happens

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:  if there is any reaction, both are transformed."  Carl Jung








Related posts:  The Absent-Minded Professor.  Flyn' By the Seat of Your Pants.  The Geography of Your Friendships.  Co-ownership or Silent Partner.  A Novel Idea.  A Healing Relationship.

The Absent-Minded Professor

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves."  Carl Jung    
 The absent-minded professor is both a lovable and an irritating character.  This is the person who can inspire us with their insights and great ideas and irritate us with their seeming inability to attend to the simplest, most practical matters of life.  These are the ones who have the uncanny ability to foresee an outcome in the future and who can take many disparate parts and put them together, mentally, and come out with a whole---a new concept or theory.  These are the innovators, the ones who can grasp a concept in an instant but who lock their keys in the car trunk and can't remember to feed the dog.  (They are not focused on details.)  This is a brief description of part of Jung's typology, the intuitive function.  Intuition, as he defined it, is a quality we all have to some degree but there are about 50% of the population who lead with this quality.  It makes for a very interesting individual, a person who can always see the possibilities but to their counterpart can seem to be always walking around with their head in the clouds (and they do tend to bump into things a lot!).

The opposite function in Carl Jung's typology scheme is the sensation type.  This is Ms Clean or Mr. Tidy.  These are the ones who seem to be able to organize anything in an instant.  They just seem to know where things should go!  They usually have a good kinesthetic sense in addition to their awareness of the outer physical world.  They are often wonderful cooks, excellent carpenters (good at measuring!), thorough dental hygienists and the list goes on.  They see what is missing, what is out of order, and what's more, they are able to make it right.  (They are focused on details.)  The intuitive type has a great value on this person's seeming magical ability to efficiently dispense with the everyday matters that the intuitive type just can't seem to master.  However, they will be quite annoyed when the sensation type cannot see the forest for the trees.  The sensation oriented person can name each tree and, if they've made it their business to know, will remember the growing requirements of each.  They can verbalize lists of facts in an instant.  But they will not see, as the intuitive (who sees the forest but can't remember for anything, the individual trees that were in it!) does, it's importance to the eco-system of the world, or the poetic beauty of a cathedral of redwoods.  While the sensation person lives in a world of facts, the intuitive person dwells in the world of ideas.

Of course, these two will meet up in the world, may even marry.  Often, we are attracted to what Jung called our own "inferior function".  In other words, since we each are strong in one or the other, we often find it charming and attractive when we encounter the opposite strength manifested in another.  We feel complete when we are together, that is, until we get annoyed...!
Have you met up with one of these characters?  Which one lives in your shoes?
Well, Jung offered us an idea (yes, he was an intuitive type):  Individuate (his word) or grow or mature, i.e. become a more balanced individual by developing your inferior function.  And, I would add, if you are partnered with your opposite type, try to be less irritated and, instead, imitate them; use them as a way to learn how to function more strongly in your lesser used part.

A post on a related topic is titled, Flyn' by The Seat of Your Pants, http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/07/flyn-by-seat-of-your-pants.html
Has this post helped to explain something in your life?  
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