Your Vitality

 See the posts Mindfulness and Paying It Forward for related content

"If you are not spending all of your waking life in discontent, worry, anxiety, depression, despair, or consumed by other negative states; if you are able to enjoy simple things like listening to the sound of the rain or the wind; if you can see the beauty of clouds moving across the sky or be alone at times without feeling lonely or needing the mental stimulus of entertainment; if you find yourself treating a complete stranger with heartfelt kindness without wanting anything from him or her ... it means that a space has opened up, no matter how briefly, in the otherwise incessant stream of thinking that is the human mind.  When this happens, there is a sense of well-being, of alive peace..."  Eckhart Tolle

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61)

Unfinished Business, Third in Series

"...the most powerful and profound awareness of ourselves occurs with our simultaneous opening up with another human...."  Malone & Malone

 Unfinished business has been a popular topic here and with good reason; it is so critical that we try for transparency, especially with ourselves.  (If you have not been following this series, please see the two posts, Unfinished Business and Feelings, for background to this post).  There are, of course, small glitches in our awareness of ourselves but, on the other hand, sometimes an unconscious conflict can affect the entire course of an adult life.
The so-called fear of intimacy is one that can ruin all or most of your relationships and prevent you from enjoying true closeness with another human being.  This was one of those topics that got a lot of press in the field of psychology for awhile; when that happens, an idea can begin to sound trite.  But, in this case, that criticism is unfounded.  The fear of intimacy exists and interferes with marriages, friendships, and parent-child relationships.
 
So, what does intimacy between two people look like?  It requires trust, of oneself and of the other.  It includes immediacy, meaning that you interact with that person in the present and without guile.
Risk, emotional risk and vulnerability are a part of the experience because you cannot control the course of the interaction nor the outcome.  It will sometimes be emotionally painful.  But, the joy that is possible is unparalleled.
What it is not is,---guarded, defended, withdrawn, retreated, skeptical, dishonest.
It can be fun, exciting, and bonding.  It erases loneliness.
And yet, this is one of the most often avoided human experiences.

How do you even know if you are preventing yourself from enjoying emotional intimacy?  Some of the signals might be, for example, people complain about how difficult it is to make a meeting date with you.  Maybe others say you don't allow affection unless you initiate it.  You can't see anyone else until you have yourself perfectly groomed and ready or, another version of that, no guests without your house being immaculate.  You can't do much on the spur of the moment-you must know what you are doing way in advance.  You accept invitations and then just don't show up.  Maybe you are in a loving, intimate relationship and you cause a fight whenever things get good.  When having the most fun with your partner you can suddenly , inexplicably, shut down, not even aware you are doing it; you have a partner who looks puzzled and hurt.  You notice that you feel trapped when a friend or lover tries to talk frankly with you about your relationship with them.  There are a million ways this can be manifested.  Look for it, in yourself and others. You will begin to find lots of examples, I'm sure.

So, why?  Why does a person deprive themselves (and their loved ones) of this deep human need?  Because it is a little scary to be in an emotionally intimate relationship. You might find yourself worrying:  What will happen if I lose this person?  I'll be devastated.  Or you find your own activities being interrupted by thoughts of that person, maybe missing them.  To stay in this exquisite position of feeling loved and loving, one must tolerate a bit of shakiness here and there.  It is an adventure, the future becomes a mystery and you just have to buy in for the ride---not so easy to do.  But people who have the courage find great happiness.

Where does the unconscious sabotage of this delightful level of reciprocity come from?
 It comes from unfinished business.  When we get hurt, we usually say to ourselves:  Well!  I won't ever let that happen again.  And, then, in the hopes of  constructing a magical suit of armor against the vicissitudes of life, we shut down a part of ourselves.  That part is no longer available for experiencing or sharing.
Some individuals have had unfortunate childhoods such as being the member of an alcoholic family:  In that situation, the children experience a lot of unpredictability and sometimes grow up to be adults who want to have everything under control.  It's understandable---all of the various reasons are.  They make sense when they are set up.  The problem is, they don't make sense for the rest of life.

So, here you can see why it is so vital that you (we, each of us) take responsibility for ourselves.  For now and the future, keep up with yourself:  As I said before, don't stuff it when something disturbing happens.  Don't let wounds fester.  Clear things up as you go, even if it is just within your own thinking process.  And if you suspect that the past is interfering with you being your optimal, essential, real self in the present---which I hope you can see from these visits to this topic, is quite common---take yourself to a therapist or begin journaling in earnest, or join a self-help group, or start one!  Read things like this blog and do your own introspection; if you don't have access to a therapist, you can still figure out a lot on your own.  It starts with being honest with yourself.

For an in-depth read on this topic,"The Art of Intimacy" by Thomas Patrick Malone, M.D. & Patrick Thomas Malone, M.D.

The State of Our Desks

This is for the 'organized mess' people mentioned below (post:  Happiness and Preferences)!

"CLUTTER WARS

Snapshot of a Messy Mind

The piles on messy desks are useful.  You put your fingers on things quickly---often far faster than someone who files stuff.  Plus, randomness is an essential part of creativity.  Looking through those piles spurs connections, random thoughts that give you unexpected insights."
---David Freedman, co-author of A Perfect Mess:  The Hidden Benefits of Disorder"
Psychology Today March/April 2010

The Adult Kid

As children develop, parents (hopefully) do too.  We begin parenthood with a completely dependent being, another human who comes with all human needs and zero ability to meet any of them.  This tiny person is also a mystery.  From these two experiences we go, in a fast 20 years, to a fully independent individual whom we know well.
As we go along we are doing two things; we are gradually, very gradually allowing and encouraging more and more autonomy in the growing child.  An 18 month old will venture out toward the swings in the playground sandbox, only to come running back to mom or dad to 'touch base' before trying again---maybe going a bit further next time.  A 15 year old is still working on this same process, albeit in a different way.  A teenager can be fiercely resistant to a parent trying to influence her values and the next minute want to cuddle up in a blanket with mom and the TV.
Alongside this developmental line, the child and the parents are in an on-going process of learning who this person is.  As the parent watches for talents, notices interests, and looks for aptitudes, the child is driven by curiosity to explore the world, to try new things , to test himself.
As fully functioning adults, these questions have finally resolved although never completely.  We are capable of continuing to grow and change, to develop new skills and to test ourselves.  Under great enough stress, most adults will wish for mom or dad to 'save the day'.  But, by and large, we function on our own.
However, there is a developmental stage that is quite challenging to most parents and that is how to be with a daughter or son who is a young adult but needs help.  This week, for example, I had a man in the office who was quite distressed by his 21 year old daughter who had returned home and was showing a number of signs of a life not going well.  She had signed a lease with a boyfriend she was unsure of, had suffered some abuse from him, and was drinking a lot.  She looked unhealthy.  The only stable part of her life was her work where she was fulfilling her responsibilities.  She also was inappropriately rough with her boyfriend's child and when her dad tried to intervene, reacted to him in a harsh manner.  The dad was alarmed.
This is a delicate situation.  Even if the young adult child is doing well, it is a challenge to maneuver in the relationship, as the parent the child is trying to grow out of.  When there are serious problems such as this, it is difficult.  And, in addition, each person and each relationship is different.  Some people like straight talk, some are more sensitive and require a  subtle approach.  Therapy is useful because all of the parts of such a situation that are unique can be taken into consideration while a way to help is worked out.

A few general suggestions that will probably apply in most cases:

Try to provide guidance without being intrusive.
Be available but not inquisitive.
Keep your judgments and disappointed feelings to a minimum.
Hold to an ultimate goal of true friendship with your grown child.
Remember that your needs and that of the family as a whole must always be kept in mind.

The author, Gail Sheehy has done some innovative thinking on adult developmental stages.  If this is a timely topic for you, it might be worth your time to look at some of what she's written.

Have you already learned from making your way through this type of challenge in your own family?  Please comment on what your discoveries were.

Comforting

"Practicing loving-kindness toward ourselves seems as good a way as any to start illuminating the darkness of difficult times."  Pema Chodron.

Her book, When Things Fall Apart, heart advice for difficult times, can be a comfort when you feel like you are at the end of your rope.  She writes from her own experience, is plain-speaking and in reality.  There is no fluff.  Some people find that reassuring.
Here are a few of her ideas I have culled from repeated visits to this little book:
*Fear is natural
*Nature is calming
  If you have a backyard, let it draw you out.  In any case, just go outside sometimes.
*Give room to all your feeling-relief, grief, joy-give every feeling at least a moment of attention
  Don't resist all the time.
*Make friends with yourself
  (One of my patients came in just after the new year began and said her resolution was to learn to love herself unconditionally).
*Realize "...that whatever occurs is neither the beginning nor the end. It is just the same kind of normal human experience that's been happening to everyday people from the beginning of time".
*Activate your curiosity
*Slow down
 Notice the wonderful aroma of baking bread, appreciate bicyclists, feel the clean cool air on your face after a rain.
*Try not to harm others
*Understand other people when they are troubled in their lives
*Stop striving for perfection
 "...because sooner or later, we're going to have an experience we can't control..."
*Sort out the difference between opinion and fact
*Make use of your sense of humor
*Remember that life is intrinsically challenging when you find yourself struggling with plans and judgments
*Train yourself to relax when the phone rings
*"For some of us, working closely with a non-judgmental therapist allows us to overcome our fears and finally develop loving-kindness for ourselves."

"Learning how to be kind to ourselves, learning how to respect ourselves, is important.  The reason it's important is that, fundamentally, when we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn't just ourselves that we're discovering.  We're discovering the universe."

More On Empathy

Here is a quote from one of the books I recommended to you; it's about self-understanding as well as, empathy;

"In addition to choosing different information, we each have access to different information.  For example, others have access to information about themselves that we don't.  They know the constraints they are under; we don't.  They know their hopes, dreams, and fears; we don't.  We act as if we've got access to all the important information there is to know about them, but we don't.  Their internal experience is far more complex than we imagine."

Difficult Conversations by D. Stone, B. Patton, and S. Heen

For Fun

                    To make you think or to generate a lively conversation or, possibly to make use of in 'small talk' social situations:  The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, PhD.

The Delivery

How communication style can make all the difference.

 It's all in the delivery!
You can say very hard things, problematic things, controversial things, to most people without stirring up rancor  if your tone of voice is agreeable.  If your demeanor, that is, your tone of voice, your body language, your volume, and your movements are not aggressive, you are much less likely to provoke a defensive reaction.  Without defensiveness on the part of the other person, you are more likely to be heard.

A side note: Some people have a habit of not listening well to others and reduce their attention to the meta massage and what they determine to be, the main point.  This person scans, rather than attending to detail.  In this situation, what I am proposing might play an even more significant part in the communication process.

(The meta-message refers to the general, overall message, the larger outline, the impression.)

It is an almost stunning experience when you first begin tying this; talk to your friend, or relative, or co-worker about something which you had apprehension about saying.  Your calm, low-key delivery may allow the other person to receive information that you thought would not be possible.

There is a catch:  You can't fake it.  It's remarkable how these automatic feelers we all  have will pick up insincerity.  So, before you go to deliver your difficult message, you have to stop and sort yourself out.  If you are going to have a peaceful tone of voice, you have to be peaceful inside yourself.  Give yourself a chance at success by calming yourself, centering yourself, forming a non-aggressive presentation, and maybe even visualizing the exchange going smoothly.

A book on this subject, Difficult Conversations, how to discuss what matters most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen came highly recommended to me by an esteemed colleague (Ellen Zuker, PhD, psychologist).  So I am passing this on to you although I usually will only recommend books I have read myself.  On that note, a related book is Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand, women and men in conversation.  She is a socio-linguist who did an anthropological study of the differences in the way that women and men use language and communicate.  I think of this as the more scholarly version of the very popular Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, a practical guide for improving communication and getting what you want in your relationship by John Gray, PhD.  I liked his ideas too and many of my clients found his book very readable.  His is one of the few so-called self-help books that I have found to be popular with men.

Most people take in the so-called meta-message.  They tune into the larger picture; they look for cues and clues as to what the speaker is trying to convey.  And they react to what they sense.  If your approach is amenable or low-key or even, let's just say, courteous, you have a better chance of being heard.  I discovered this myself, just by trying it.  And I have observed it in couples counseling and had it reported to me by individual patients again and again.  So, while ideas like this can never be guaranteed, it's worth a try.
Give the gentle delivery a chance.