What It Takes

Primary requirement for a solid relationship

For a couple to feel satisfied and secure, for a marriage to be firm and enduring, there is, in my opinion, an essential requirement.  That condition is that both people are fully there.  Neither are reluctantly there.  Neither are only partly in it.  There is no sense of, "I'm here unless something better comes along"; there's no scanning the horizon for the greener grass on the other side of the fence, no roving eyes.  

Evaluation time is over; there's no longer any score keeping nor tallying of who has the better deal.

This position is deeper than commitment.  Somehow that word sometimes implies a discipline.  At this level, the decision has been made and is no longer pending.  It is experienced as a profound knowing of the one about the other and about oneself.

It can become a state that is beyond confidence and that imparts a sense of safety.  Doubts are rare.
If questions surface, they can be checked with the other, openly and honestly, simply and immediately and answered in the same manner.

This is a part of the foundation for a true partnership.  It usually takes time and experience to reach this state.  It is one of the blessings of consistent effort on individual, personal growth and  thoughtful, conscious attention, to the relationship

All in.

Are you in an all in relationship?  Will you write a little here about how that is?

Love

Some, such as Nelson Rockefeller and Mother Teresa believe that love is the most powerful force there is

"Love is sometimes shown in the things you don't say, don't keep track of, and don't notice.  The greatest kindness is often shown in letting things go.  None of us is perfect, but we can all be perfect friends and perfect partners by allowing those we love to be imperfect."

Neale Donald Walsch

"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."

Dr. Wayne Dyer

The Kindness of Strangers

A Man I Don't Know Did Me a Favor

In my community, we have a store, commonly called a "big box store" or a warehouse store.  It is huge and it is full of huge boxes of items of all kinds for purchase.  The idea is to stock up and save money on the price of each individual item in the package.  It is a big, anonymous, crowded place.  The environment is not that pleasant, there are no store employees to help you until checkout and most people shopping there are in a down-to-business mode and sometimes border on rude.  The customers endure all this (oh, and, a crowded parking lot too) because it's a good deal.

The store negotiates agreements with companies selling products at deeply discounted prices but, the company wants to unload these products for some reason of their own.  Therefore, the products available are not consistent.  There's a few things that are there for a long time and then, just when you begin to count on it, that product disappears from the shelves.

One item I had been buying there for a long time was frozen, organic blueberries.  I have been very happy to find such an expensive item (which is also very healthy, not to mention tasty) reliably available.  But, as with all things at Costco, recently, the inventory has been thinning out.  One day I was there, searching and searching through the bags of frozen fruit for my prized blueberries and none were to be found.  A man and his little girl came up and he spotted one (they were there for the same item).  He pulled it out and handed it to me.  His little girl grabbed it from me-it was a child so I gave way, of course.  He gently reprimanded her for doing that and gave it back to me.  I tried to say no you found it (it was the one and only, last bag left), but he shook his head and let me keep it.

How generous.  This man doesn't know me.  We'll never see each other again.  But, I have not forgotten this small, but significant gesture.  Sadly, in a crowded, competitive world, these 'random acts of kindness' are becoming rare.  Happily, it does still happen.

What would you have done in this situation?  Sometimes it seems like there are nice people in the world and not nice people, doesn't it.  We each know who we are because we know what we truly think about in our secret, most innermost thoughts.  We know how we think about others (kindly or meanly?).  So, even if we cover it with politeness, we know ourselves what is inside.  

If you begin to notice what goes on internally, what your own values are and what choices you actually make, you may find a very loving, generous nature at your heart of hearts.  But if you see that there is vindictiveness, a value on getting even, a penchant for criticizing others, acquisitiveness, or any other not so positive ideas, you may want to turn some compassion on yourself.

Often those who are spiteful and self-aggrandizing or just mean-spirited have been hurt earlier in life.  This is where therapy can be of enormous help.

It's not always the case, of course.  Recently the Greater Good Science Center published an article resulting from their research on empathy:  http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_inequality_is_bad_for_the_one_percent
What they found is that as people become more elevated in status and wealth, they become less compassionate.  Those with less tend to be more tuned in to others, more willing to empathize, and more likely to offer help.  The hypothesized reason for this is that the high status people are separated from the fray.  They are not as exposed to the struggles of the majority and also do not fear those difficulties themselves.  In a sense, they live an insulated life.  However, it isn't good for them  as what has been found in previous studies is that compassion leads to personal happiness and the happiest countries are those that have the most equality.  If you identify with this description (elevated status and less concern for the plight of others), you might look around at your peers who practice philanthropy.  They might be considered an exception to this general finding.  Why is that?  What's different?  What motivates them?  You may find something of interest to you there.
 
So, there are two ways that I have proposed wherein a person can find themselves not very adept at empathizing and thus, living a rather insulated life.
Sharing your joys and trials with others and feeling for others when they share theirs, or, even just when you see it or hear about it, is a human gift and contributes to your well being.

Gratitude

In this country, today is a holiday called Thanksgiving

This is a useful time to re-visit the concept of gratitude, written about in previous posts.

 Here is someone else's offering on the topic:  greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/gratitude/definition.

How has gratitude touched your life?
 
There are 10 other posts that discuss or mention the topic of gratitude.  Just type the word into the search bar for a list.

Stress Reduction, 3

If you tend to see the glass as half full, you may enjoy increased longevity.

 Fill your glass up if it's half empty.  One study found that optimistic people lived an average of 8 years longer than those who are generally pessimistic.


It is interesting to observe yourself.  When, for example, you are discussing a possible outcome of a situation with someone else, do you take the view that it is not likely to come out well?  Do you usually point out the pitfalls?  Are you the one who says, "Yes, but, this bad thing could happen or, such and so could go wrong." ?  You might think you are protecting yourself this way but, read the 1st paragraph again...

Also, notice others.  Do you know anyone who almost always looks on the bright side?  What do you think of them; do you think that they are unrealistic? 

If you find that your usual habit is to be a 'doubting Thomas', skeptical, or expecting the worst, ---this is something you can change.   When you see yourself do it, stop yourself, try reversing it in your mind.  Gradually, you can develop a new habit, a healthy habit of being optimistic!

(This is the completion of a series of 3 posts on the topic.  Stress Reduction http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/08/stress-reduction.html, Stress Reduction, 2  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/08/stress-reduction-2.htmland this Stress Reduction, 3.  Hope you enjoyed and found them useful) 

An earlier post on the subject of stress:  Stressed Out!!! 

Stress Reduction, 2

An oft-repeated piece of advice that seems to have some truth to it

 "Simplify your life.  Happiness and peace are rooted in simplicity.  Excessive thoughts and actions cloud your basic core values."  Author unknown

Here is a reminder I offer to both you and me.   I lead a complicated and busy life.  But I do recognize who it was who created that life...!  So, that means there's only one person who can change it  :)

I am trying---because I believe that more of the good, kind, right, juicy, positive stuff will be free to bubble up from within me if my life is simpler.

How will you simplify your life?

Stress Reduction

The 1st of a series of 3 simple tips for stress reduction

"Be Grateful.  Try this before going to bed tonight:  Write down three things that you feel thankful for or three things that went well today.  Research shows that 15 minutes of daily gratitude can dramatically decrease stress hormones."  Author unknown

A post I wrote on this topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/11/gratitude.html

What are you grateful for?

Flow

Flow is linked to happiness, health, and, even to success

"Flow is the feeling of total immersion in an activity with the loss of a sense of time and sometimes of self; in flow, emotions are positive, energized, and focused solely on the task at hand."  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.  

Credited with authoring the concept or notion of "flow", he has also said:  It is the creative moment when a person is completely involved in an activity for its own sake.

Sometimes we will hear people say things like, 'As I was playing the piano today, I got completely lost in the music.' or, 'I was so immersed in the experiment that I totally lost track of time.'  These experiences are so common  that expressions have evolved into the language to express them. 

And, yet, often we don't notice.  Once we finally interrupt ourselves or, are interrupted, by everyday demands, we forget to remark upon the the fact that we were feeling joy.

Most people want to be happy, and in fact, pursue happiness as if it were an obtainable object.  And, yet, many of us are enjoying the positive emotions that are vital to health, well-being, and, happiness itself on a routine basis.  It seems as if we just don't know to take note of it.

So, notice!

From Dacher Keltner, here are some words to help you focus on the good in your own life experience:  

• play and mirth
• beauty
• compassion and empathy
• contentment and savoring

See my related post, titled, Reverse Charting
http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/09/reverse-charting.html  
and
Nourishment to the Soul
http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/06/nourishment-to-soul.html

During what times, experiences, encounters, do you experience flow?---please share with us.

See What You Want To See

Be who you want to be

You can positively affect your own sense of well-being by managing your outlook on life.  Savor your positive experiences, re-visit them, relish them, remember them.  By emphasizing the  good that comes your way, you can internalize that positive emotion which will in turn, improve your mood. 

There will be worries, no doubt.  Just don't let yourself sink into them:  Be buoyant.

Setbacks will occur.  Don't let them determine your direction:  Support your own self-confidence.

Do you want greater happiness?  Better ability to cope?  Deeper relationships?  Shift your focus from the negative and emphasize the good feelings.  Make them last.  You can change your outlook on yourself and on the world.

Please join the conversation by commenting below.

Happiness

Taking it as it comes and reveling in the experience of living

 "When we learn the sweetness of yielding and non-resistance, we steady and enrich our travels.

It has been said that pain is not the change but instead in the resistance to the change.  Our life continues to be a series of ups and downs, questions, answers, and more questions.  It is made up of change.  When we resist change, we resist life itself.  Learning to relax and enjoy the experience is the key to joy."

S. Coleman and M. Porter

This topic, in my own words:  http://draft.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5358181067760673073#editor/target=post;postID=6973040445924804673

Happiness

Carl Jung:
“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."

Nathaniel Hawthorne:
"Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."


While we Americans mostly think of the authors of our Declaration of Independence as very wise people, they did include the phrase,  as a right, "...the pursuit of happiness."  Now, most who ponder these things say that, in fact, you can't try for happiness and that it may appear when you least expect it.  The thing to do is to notice it .

"Revisioning Later Life..."

A View to the Future

"The years beyond midlife have the potential for being the most productive and satisfying period in our lives.  Although these years hold many challenges---including health concerns and physical aging---perhaps the most important challenge we face is finding meaning in our lives.  We have many choices:  we can focus on loss, disappointment and perhaps depression or, alternatively, transform this period into a time of profound psychological and spiritual growth.

This transformation requires a rebirth---a new way to live and be in the world.  We need to reassess and prioritize our interests, our passions and ways to pursue meaningful and intimate relationships.  For C.G.Jung, "aging is not a process of inexorable decline, but a time for the progressive refinement of what is essential."

Recent research has shown that the human brain can remain active, creative, and highly functional during our later years.  Too often we forget that mental and spiritual health is less a matter of fate than a matter of choice.  We can either shrink from life or enlarge it by engaging the passions of our soul, mining the richness of our true Self, and living the life we are truly meant to live."

(from the N.Y. Center for Jungian Studies)

Have you figured out how to age positively?  Do you know an elder who is living well?  A role model?  Let us know.

Gift To Yourself

Practice to Nurture Your Well-Being

 "Compassion is a fundamental human trait with deep evolutionary roots.  By creating environments that foster cooperation and altruism, we nurture this positive side of human nature.

 Happiness isn't just determined by our genes.  It also develops from a learned set of skills and habits of mind that can be taught and, with practice, deepened. 

Happiness and altruism inevitably intertwine.  Doing good is an essential ingredient to being happy."

The Greater Good Science Center

Some Things Are Worth Repeating

And so you will find me saying some things more than once.

These two were working  and working hard when this photo was taken but look at the sparkle in those eyes and those full-out smiles. 

Shifting focus away from worry and toward gratitude will reduce stress.

"Thorns and Roses"

~Jen.  Play.  Give.  Trust.  Touch.  Take care of others.  Moderation.  Laughter.  Virtue.  Justice.  

  For a period, I did write on the subject of happiness.  Time to re-visit that subject.  We've put considerable attention here on the troubles of life, how to identify them, and, what can be done about them.  Yet, positive emotions are just as important and carry just as much gravitas and impact on our life experience.
Today I heard Dacher Keltner, PhD, Professor of Psychiatry, U.C. Berkeley speak on this topic.  He talked about the science of compassion and the physiology of altruism amongst other things related to the subject of happiness as humans.  Happiness at age 70 adds almost 2 years to our lifespan he explained.  "Happiness is associated with good health."And, happiness at work leads to more successful performance, boosts creative thought, and enhances negotiating skills.  Research has shown that of 15 countries studied, the U. S.-with all of our freedom and physical comforts, and educational opportunities, is the 2nd least happy country in the world, at least at the age of 18. 

What are some of the things that we know lead to enhanced health and happiness?  Humans are social beings.  We need personal support and social connection ourselves and we need to be empathetic and helpful to others.  When we see suffering we naturally respond-don't ignore that response.  Help, if you can; it will be good for you.  While the amygdala in the brain picks up threat and modern day stressors are often perceived that way, cortisol is released and too much cortisol leads to shortened teleomeres   On the other hand, when we see suffering, it activates a very old, long-standing part of our brain that wants to respond (because we are social animals-just like the Bonobo monkey).  The response releases oxytocin which cascades through the organs of our body and stimulates care taking impulses.

How to be happier and healthier:

• Be trustworthy and try to trust others:  It signals safety.

• Give:  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

• Touch.  Emotions can be accurately communicated by touch.

• Play:  Laugh often, use your imagination, create nicknames.

• Practice gratitude:  Develop reverence for what has been given to you.

(Credit:  Much of the above was gleaned from a talk entitled Born to Be Good:  Lessons From the Science of a Meaningful Life.  For more information go to the Greater Good Science Center website and to the book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers)
Related posts:    From the Outside In.  Harvey.  Happiness.  The Easy Way.  Happiness and Preferences.  Success.  Happiness Note.  More On Happiness.  Spring.  Children Full of Life.  Nourishment to the Soul.  Your Aliveness.  Just for Fun.  A Little Lottery Win Each Day, and more.  Peruse the blog, there are a number of posts on this topic.

Making Your Own Happiness

Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul 

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

A Little Lottery Win Each Day

Today a patient came in trying to deal with disappointment.  He has a tradition of taking his family on an annual vacation to Disneyland.  This year, for the first time, he can't do it.  He can't financially afford it this time.  The reality of his current financial situation is what it is; we can't change that.  But as we talked about this disappointment he has, he came to an idea for himself.  Aside from not being able to do for his family what he wished he could, he also realized that he was beginning a slow but definite spiral down in the direction of depression (something he has suffered from).  

As we continued to discuss this, he thought that what he needed was something  to look forward to.  He, himself,  happily anticipates the trip to Disneyland with his family each year and now he doesn't have that to plan for.  The end result was that we decided that he should plan one thing per month that he could look forward to.  It didn't have to be a big thing, it wouldn't be able to be an expensive thing, it could be small, it could be of short duration.  It could be anything.  The only requirement, we decided, was that it had to be genuinely exciting for him to think about.  It had to be something he could put on his calendar, that he could really, reasonably do, that would truly feel special to him and out of the ordinary.  He had to be eager about doing it.

So, part of what he took away from our session today was an intention to come up with those ideas, make that list, and get those activities on his calendar.

As I reflected on this idea, I recognized, not for the first time,--- but was reminded,--- that this can be a part of every day.  So, try it for yourself, see if you can make it a point to put some little thing to enjoy into each day.  

Have you looked around and noticed how so many people push themselves through their day---day after day---by sheer force of will?  No joy, very little pleasure, no place for creative energy to emerge.

  It is almost always possible to find a way to put some little pleasant moment in your day.  Make a conscious effort to do it; small things can add up.  Your life will be better.

An earlier post related to this topic is entitled, The Easy Way

Just for Fun

Sharing a delight from my day today.

                     

                  Bees having a party on a Magnolia flower petal on the tree outside my office.

Your Aliveness

Finding avenues for personal expression will increase your vitality.

Nourishment to the Soul

What it means to lose track of time and the value of that occurrence.

 Ever notice yourself suddenly realizing that time has "...flown by"?     You have been involved in some activity or engaged with another person and lose track of time?  The sensation, when you do become aware of the time, is almost like that of waking up.

~It is theorized that when that happens, it is a sign that you have been doing something that nurtures you psychologically.~

Might be worth noticing...!

A small post about a big experience---any comments?