The Imperfect Therapist, Part III

Clients assessing the therapist

                                              Sculpture by Christine Kaiser

  Sometimes a therapist may look more flawed than they are.  
People come to therapy with certain expectations---sometimes they are happily surprised, sometimes they may feel they are not getting what they were looking for.

In this last case, we therapists sometimes receive criticism.  It has happened to me a few times.  When it is warranted, I am fine with it.  When it  isn't, I find it really hard to take.  But, the therapy session isn't the place for the therapist to become defensive...!  So, I feel it is actually much easier to take a deserved criticism as feedback and an opportunity to improve than it is to try to redeem yourself when a patient has complained inappropriately.  How do you stick up for yourself?  Difficult to do.

One time I got told that I didn't give enough direction and that I was more of a "listener type".  Actually, as therapists go, I am probably on the more talkative end of the spectrum (you may have figured that out if you've looked through this blog at all---lots of posts in a shorter time than most...!)
I am not one of those, "uh-huh, yes, ummm", silent type therapists (and I have also received compliments on that from other patients).  I am more of an engaged in an exchange type of therapist than most.   So, this felt quite unjust.
 I do listen though.  I have to know what the actual problem is and that takes some attention and time.  As a matter of fact, I often have to restrain myself because it is so tempting to tell people what to do which is not our job.
I do give suggestions however.  And, this comment seemed particularly undeserved as it was a case wherein I had made more suggestions than usual and really tried to work out a plan of action with the patient, only to have it ignored.
(Have you ever noticed how sometimes a person does something themselves and then blames another?  Very common.)

Of course, most people don't necessarily understand how therapy works, even some who have partaken of it for a long time.  When I go to therapy myself, I am not only working on myself or my own issues but, I am taking full advantage of the process.  Of course, that's because I know what it is.  
It would be a benefit to patients or potential patients to learn about how therapy actually works and why it helps, what a therapist's role is, and how the patient can make the most of their experience!      (Here is a post on that topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/12/biggest-bang-for-your-buck.html)
I don't believe in keeping therapy a mystery or a secret---that's one reason I do this blog---the more you can understand how the process works, the better position you are in to take the full benefit.  Here is another post on how you can best benefit from your therapy process:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/04/your-side-of-street.html 
Some people are more difficult to help than others:   

• Some come to therapy---a place, by definition, for change---very resistant to change.  
• Some present themselves to a therapist for help with a thorny problem and then withhold some of the pertinent information, leaving the therapy process handicapped.  
• Some repeat the same problem over and over but never apply in their life what insight or decision was arrived at in any of the sessions.  
• Some want things to be different in their lives but are interested only in 'tea and sympathy'.  
• Some would like it very much if others in their life would change but refuse to try anything differently themselves (even how they think about something).  
• There are patients who lie to their therapists sometimes which, of course, makes it impossibly difficult to help appropriately. 
• I have even had someone say, at the end of a session, wherein we developed a detailed plan about how to deal with a difficult family member, "Oh, I just wish she'd just stop causing problems."  It was clear to me at that point that none of the planning we had done was going to be applied.

Nonetheless, we therapists in such situations usually keep trying, every week, to think creatively about the patient's problem, to come up with a new angle of approach, and to maintain our compassion for the person before us.

You can imagine how hard it would be to take criticism in one of these scenarios...!

Lest I end this view on one of the challenges of being in the therapist role on a sour note, I will share with you a wonderful bit of an assessment I received today from a young client of mine---a cute teenager:  She said:  "I like it that this is like a conversation and I am not feeling like I am getting the 3rd degree!  I like having a regular weekly meeting even though I don't always have a crisis, it's nice to know this is here for me in case I do.  I'm glad we can laugh together sometimes.  I feel like you really care."
That little girl made my day! 

Please share your feelings in a comment below or in the reaction boxes.  

(This is Part III of the series, The Imperfect Therapist, which has continued to attract many readers; the second post in the series is here: 
  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/03/look-before-you-leapthe-imperfect.html)

You, a Legend in Your Own Time

Being Who You Want To Be

Is there a particular quality you just so wish you had?  One that you admire in someone else?  A way you want to be?  

How about versatile or adaptable or the one who can 'go with the flow', the easy-going person. Possibly you like the opposite of that, the energetic type, the one who is always ready to go on to the next thing, an adventuresome type.  Maybe you'd like to be seen as elegant.  Perhaps you'd like to develop an ambitious, independent spirit.  Or it's more important to you that people see you as being friendly.

There are as many choices as there are people, what do you place a value on? 

Think of whom you admire; what is it about that person that provokes that feeling in you, the feeling of admiration?  Once you identify the quality, you can begin to develop that characteristic in yourself.  Yes, you can!

Why not?  First take it apart into it's components:  If it's elegance, what are the parts that add up to finally giving that impression---beautifully groomed? composed? great posture? excellent manners? 

How about friendly?  How does a friendly person behave?  Are they relaxed in their demeanor with new people, do they open up themselves in conversation, smile, show interest in others?

Once you have the components, you can begin practicing them yourself.  Yes, you can become a person you, yourself admire. 

Once you have chosen the quality you want to adopt, let me know what you are working on.

Vulnerability

An inspiring video

  If you have 20 minutes, this is an encouraging video to watch.  Like many talks and books, it gets better as it goes.  Get past the 1st 2 minutes and then she, the speaker, starts rolling.  By the time you get to the end, you'll get to the good stuff.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I think that if you watch this, you'll find that it fits with my message here at the blog.

Let me know.  Did you like it?

Dalai Lama

May 16, 2012  -

The many factors which divide us are actually much more superficial than those we share. Despite all of the things that differentiate us – race, language, religion, gender, wealth and so on – we are all equal concerning our fundamental humanity

Fear of Success

This well-known poem was offered to me in a therapists' on-line discussion group.  It bears repeating, often.  So, here I share it with you.  

 Maria Popa Schoeffler "• Paula, I really liked your question, and I think  It is morally right and also liberating to be true to ourselves...

Can I add a short poem to this? Here it is:

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?                                                               Actually, who are you not to be?                                                                                You are a child of God.

                                                                               Your playing small does not serve  the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.

It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give

other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.  
  (Our Greatest Fear, 

by Marianne Williamson, and erroneously attributed to Nelson Mandela)" 
Does this poem resonate with you?  Please share your reaction in the boxes or comment section below.

What's Your Offer?

How You Present Yourself to Others Tells What Kind of Relationships You Will Have

What do you say to others---with your body language, your tone of voice, the way you dress, how you greet someone, what you talk about and all the other aspects that go into how you involve yourself with others?

These behaviors are affected by how you see yourself; how you feel about yourself will determine, in large part, how you engage with other people.  If you have a problem with yourself, such as a poor self-image, you will be likely to experience some problematic relationships in your life.  Sometimes when it seems like someone else is giving you trouble, you, yourself are actually the source of the problem.  If you think that your self-concept is contributing to unhappiness, it's a good reason to go to a therapist.

• If I feel I am no good, I will hesitate to seek out others as friends...I will also tend to repulse overtures to friendship made by others (even subtly), because I feel unworthy.

• Conversely, if I see myself as a growing person, I will take initiative in interpersonal transactions

• If I see myself as weak and needy, I will probably present myself to others as a dependent person (and thus tend to attract co-dependent people).

• If I see myself as riddled with problems and coping poorly, I may expect others to become my helpers.

• If I feel good about my own strengths and resources, then I am free to accept others with no added baggage. 

•  If I  like to be in control, I will probably attract dependent types.

•  If I like to be the star, I will  draw people who like to stay in the background.  

• If I am clear about my values, I will attract like-minded people.                                                                                                            

 (some of the bulleted ideas were written by Gerard Egan and modified by me and some, I wrote; can you think of others?)

                           
 These snippets of how a person may feel about themselves show you how your own self-image can affect who you attract into your life and how those relationships develop.  The other person has their own set of personal circumstances, for sure, but it is the interaction of the two that creates the relationship for good or for ill.

Maybe they can start you thinking about yourself and what you bring to your relationships.  Might be interesting!

How do you see yourself?  What do you bring to the table?

Making Your Own Happiness

Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul 

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

Self-Esteem

     How self-confidence can shine out from you and help you drop unnecessary defensiveness.

 Lots of defensiveness in a personality comes from low self-confidence.  Having defenses is not all bad,  in fact, we need to have some.  Psychological defenses are part of how we handle all the dilemmas, unanswerable questions, unpleasantness from others, and many other difficulties that are a natural part of life.  But, some people are too defended.  They don't ever open up to others and, thus, rob themselves and those close to them of the experience of emotional intimacy.  They can never admit to a mistake.  You are highly unlikely to ever hear an apology or a true one anyway, from them!  They guard their inner thoughts and feelings behind an iron gate.


How does a person come to be so very guarded?  Often they had parents who were very critical or they may have been reared by shaming parents.  Some parents even think it's funny to ridicule children.  Children are very impressionable and ridiculing makes them believe there must be something wrong with them.  Many parents don't realize how much power they have, psychologically over their children; these demeaning interactions, repeated many times over the course of a childhood, can have lifelong effects on the adult personality.

A self-confident individual usually uses defenses less and only when necessary.  When they do need to protect themselves, they are more likely to do it with something like humor or sublimation.
(The less confident, more guarded person will use defenses such as a passive aggressive defense, apathetic withdrawal, denial, rationalization, or devaluation - to name a few.)  If you think it's unpleasant to interact with such a person, think about what it's like to live inside that armory!

If you can't ever take any feedback from anyone and think about yourself a little (self-reflect), if others can't assert themselves toward you, if you can't listen openly enough to let in a new idea, not much personal growth can happen for you.

So, build your self confidence and your defenses will automatically be reduced; you won't need them so much!  How do you build self-confidence?  Paradoxically, psychotherapy is a good component in a program to build self-confidence.  I say paradoxically because you have to be willing to look at the tough stuff, to cry about it, to face your personal demons, to give up long-held miss beliefs or illusions.  You have to be willing to question your own behavior in the presence of another.  You have to be able to go back the next week and face that person (the therapist) after having revealed your deepest, darkest secret.  You have to take personal risks.  You have to try doing things a different way.  You have to be willing to go out of your comfort zone, to function in the unfamiliar, to try new things. You will have to change.
When you have an experienced, (confident themselves), accepting, therapist, it is possible to do this and it is healing.  As you go through this process, you become less of a stranger to yourself and less afraid of revealing something ugly to others.  More self-knowledge leads to more self confidence leads to less rigorous use of defense mechanisms.

The other thing you can do, which I have discussed in a previous blog, is to provide yourself with positive self-talk.  Start now replacing those old negative messages you were inundated with as a youngster with good, positive messages.  For example, at the end of each Yoga class that I do, I  say one positive affirmation to myself, like, "You did something good for yourself."  or, "You spent sometime today helping your body to be healthy."  Simple as that!  Jack La Lanne, one of the first famous health and fitness promoters told people that he encouraged himself after every workout by saying to himself as he left the gym, "You did it again, Jack!"  There are so many times during the day when you can help yourself this way.  If you commute, use some of that time to review your accomplishments.


In some cultures it would be unseemly to tout your success to others.  That's all right - you don't have to become obnoxious to be more self confident!  Just do it mentally, in your own head.  If you worked hard at something and it came to fruition, acknowledge yourself.  Try to find personal qualities  in yourself  that you like and notice them, develop them.   Try not to go through life wearing a virtual suit of armor---you will miss out on so much.  Share your joy with others!

(Related post: Unfinished Business http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/10/unfinished-business.html )

Depression Prevention

Sometimes the origin is in an early time of life; how we can understand this (in oneself) and possibly prevent it in others.

 A man talked to me today about his inability to motivate himself, specifically, in pursuit of his own interests.  He is willing to do for others and will find the energy to pitch in when presented with a need.  He loves "...being Julie's husband..." is very happy "...being Christopher's dad" but, "...there's a piece missing."
Sean is a responsible man who meets his obligations and tries always to not bother others or infringe on anyone else's activities.  He is noticeably intelligent and has some talents.  He has some wonderful character qualities, such as loyalty and tolerance.
His problem is with himself; he not only doesn't know what he would like to do and what  he wants, but does not even know what he likes.  At one point, he  described an absence of conflict:  How to find time to devote to a favorite hobby, resolving a dilemma about taking money from the family budget for an after-market addition to his vehicle---these kinds of things, some examples of common choice points, simply do not come up for him.  He knows that people struggle with these things (conflict between wish and obligation or, even conflict between two wishes) because he has noticed others debating these issues within themselves.

Can you imagine this?  If you are always chomping at the bit  to get to your next project or feeling frustrated because you can't find enough time for the avocations that interest you, or the opportunity to research an intriguing question eludes you, Sean's difficulty may seem odd.  As a matter of fact, I have seen a number of people, over the years, bring up the complaint that they don't know what they want.

How does this happen?  What do you think?   How does a person find themselves in this condition?

I suspect that in most cases, the seeds for this problem are sown early.  This particular individual, who has been told that he was a sensitive child, was oppressed during childhood.  Neglected.  His basic needs were met, but there was not only little or no attention paid to him emotionally.  He was also discouraged from even asking for what he might want.  The adults in his family found a child asking them for things to be an interference with their conduct of their own lives. There was no adult in his young life who had the capacity to mentor him.  No one was able to pay enough attention to notice what he was drawn to nor to listen to what he expressed an interest in.

As an adult, now with the chance to do the things he likes, he doesn't know where to begin.

If you are a parent, or the relative of a young child, it seems to me that a wonderful gift you can offer is to attend to the child and their unique attributes.  If the child shows  an interest in something, anything, from rock collecting, to pirates, to ballet, try to help the child develop that interest.  You could be contributing something so very important to that person's future; as a result, you will never be forgotten (an adult will one day have fond memories of you), and---you could be saving someone from a future of feeling lost like Sean does.
Did some kind adult help you as a child?  Have you paid attention to a child in your life?