Dreams

How night dreams can help us

"Dreaming is a universal and well-documented human phenomenon.  It has now been proven conclusively that not only do we dream every night, but we must dream in order to maintain a healthy psychological equilibrium.  This fact did not escape the ancients, who devised sacred places, rituals, traditions and guides, all designed to employ dreams as one tool to foster a degree of healing for those suffering physically and mentally.  Most people are very familiar with those nocturnal nightmares that command our attention in a dramatic and disturbing manner.  Other dreams are less frightening, but no less perplexing.  What meaning do they carry for one's life?  How is one to understand their cryptic symbolic and often seemingly nonsensical language?  Can they really bring a sense of healing to someone who is hurting?  At the beginning of the twentieth century, with the advent of modern psychology, C.G. Jung was rediscovering the scientific and therapeutic value of dreams."  Howard Tyas, Jr., D. Min., PhD

I come to dream work with an assumption that dreams are good, that they are there to help us, that they can serve a positive function.  Dreaming is built into us; it is in everyone's sleeping experience (though some people are able to remember more than others), so I think they have been incorporated into our psyches to serve a purpose.  I think that the overall purpose is one of balancing or regulating our psychological functioning. 

One example of this is compensatory dreams.  This kind of dream occurs when, in some aspect of our life, the balance has dipped too heavily in one direction.  One simple example would be of a person who has committed to an overload of work dreaming that he is running freely on the beach.  

When a person is encumbered by a very dark problem in their life, they may have a dream of flying in a light-filled sky.  An investigator once interviewed nuns about their dreams and found them to have an abundance of dreams about sexual activity while living a chaste life.

These are examples of how our own unconscious is trying to balance out our outer life; I see it as an effort toward health.

                                                                                                                            Art piece at Montalvo Arts Center

We can learn about ourselves by examining our dreams.  My approach to dream interpretation is Jungian so I subscribe to his notion that archetypes can be expressed in dreams.  For example, if you are a woman and an important male figure appears in your dream, it may be an image portraying some aspect of your animus (your inner  masculine side).  Thus you can learn about a part of yourself that may ordinarily be difficult to see.  Ask yourself, what qualities does this character in your dream portray?  Maybe you need to  be more assertive in your life and this character shows you that you have it in you.

Sometimes dreams contain signs---I once had a dream that literally had a sign, posted by a road that had a message written on it!  Other times, the unconscious expresses itself, less directly, through symbolism (this is also used in Sand Tray work in therapy).  It's best not to look at some one's list of the meaning of symbols to help you interpret your dream.  While we all are subject to being led by archetypal patterns, at the same time, we have our own symbolic system.  Thus, it will be more fruitful if you were to ferret out for yourself the personal meaning of the symbols and actions that appear in your own dreams.

The meaning doesn't always come easily but it is still beneficial to put some attention on your dream.  In so doing you encourage and validate your own unconscious self.  You will learn to trust yourself more and enlarge your sense of self-acceptance.

You can do this by thinking about what you recall of the dream and uncovering your own personal associations to its contents, by drawing the images therein or, by noticing the feelings the dream provokes.  If you have the materials, you can fashion your own dream symbols in clay.  If you have a cooperative group of people, you can act out a dream.  I was once  in a training seminar, led by a therapist who used psychodrama in his work (Peter Morfin, MFT), where we did this with cases---the trainee would set up the scenario where he/she was stuck with the case; we would act it out and spontaneously develop the next step.  It was a remarkable experience!

You can have a dream journal or just put a little effort into trying to remember more of your dreams.  Working with your dreams can be elaborate or just the simple matter of pondering  them a little.  Either way, I think it is therapeutic.

Dreams are a rich, individual, and uniquely personal resource.  Dreams are a way to tap into your own wisdom.  This post is an introduction to the idea of working with yourself this way.  I talked about two parts of dream work, the balancing nature of some dreams and the ability of dreams to reveal to us, parts of ourselves.  There are more.

If you are interested in learning about Jung's approach to dream interpretation and his theoretical approach, Man and His Symbols is a wonderful book.  Full of illustrations, I would suggest you get the hardbound copy.

Do you work with your dreams?  Or, has this post make you think you might?  Has dreamwork been enlightening for you?

Suggestion

This blog is like a reference book

There are now 419 posts on this blog.  Unlike some blogs which focus on current events, the posts on this blog are almost all, timeless.  There are some on new research findings and a few that have time limited announcements.  But, for the most part, you could look anywhere in the archives and find a post that is relevant now.  This is because most of what I write comes from my own experience, present and past - with my patients and also with myself. 
It is a blog written about real life, as we all know it. 

~There are posts on happiness, on depression, on personal growth, on addiction, on relationships, on therapy, on psychological theory, on families, on communication, on therapists, on boundaries, on anxiety, on aging, on societal problems, on health; there are quotes from actual therapy patients of mine (used with their permission, of course), quotes from other therapists, inspirational quotes from friends and from the famous, there are synopses of lectures, and there are ideas for you to try.~

I write what I am inspired about or what is on my mind at the time.  All of it is intended to be helpful.  I have worked a long time with human dilemmas and suffering as well as personal joy.  I want to share what I have learned.  This blog is an outpouring of my knowledge and experience.  It's a reflection of what I offer my patients in the office.  I put it here in the hope that you, as you read here and think about yourself and your life, can benefit.   Because of the "butterfly effect", the possibility of you offering something positive to another, as a result of considering yourself in relation to what you read here, is something I believe in, and  it makes writing the blog meaningful to me:   I feel I may be contributing something positive to the world.

"butterfly effect - the phenomenon whereby a small change at one place in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere, e.g., a butterfly flapping its wings in Rio de Janeiro might change the weather in Chicago..."

There are a number of ways to access earlier posts:  You can simply type a topic into the search bar.  Or go to a year and look at the list of titles.  You can click on a label.  Etc.  Take a look around---you might find something you like!

A related post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/12/paying-it-forward-and-benefactors.html

Did you search,find a post,not on the landing page,that you liked?
 

Defensiveness

A tip about dealing with it and an introduction to a new series

The other day, I told my doctor about my acupuncturist and brought him some written materials she has about her work.  Here was his initial response: "She isn't an MD.  To be frank, she just doesn't have the training.  I only work with MDs."  

I said nothing in response to this but just waited as he read over the materials.  Then he said:  "Can I keep these?"  Sometimes a person will have an initially defensive response to any sort of communication.  Some even do this as a habit.  The tip is that when this happens, just wait.  I think that people who do this are trying to give themselves time to make a choice.  They are protecting their sphere of influence so that they can decide if they want to be influenced.  If, when you get this resistance, you immediately jump in and try to persuade the person who is in the self-protective mode, you are going to engender an even more defensive reaction.

In therapy, the therapist often tries to help the patient to lower their defenses in the session.  This is to allow for opening up.  Eventually, some patients begin to cooperate with this effort themselves, noticing when they have a defensive reaction and trying to deactivate it or, at least, saying out loud that they feel defensive.  The therapy can then proceed to examine why the topic caused this guardedness or the need to feel protected.

Defense mechanisms is a clinical term and concept; therapists use a defensive functioning scale and identify defense levels in a patient they are working with.  But, speaking for myself here, I don't consider them to be an all bad thing.  Actually, defenses are mostly what is commonly referred to as coping mechanisms.  They are useful and necessary.  In fact, if a client does achieve a deep opening in a session, I will consider it important to help them resurrect their defenses before they leave the office.  I don't want people leaving a therapy session raw and exposed, if possible. 

 Lowering of defenses is for certain situations:  The therapy office, an intimate relationship, and introspection.  

Sometimes therapists have to also consider the larger effect:  The therapy process, overall, tends to help people develop more self-acceptance, more self-knowledge, and therefore, more openness in general.  So, a therapist might consider that if the therapy is removing or modifying one defense, there may be some method of dealing with difficulties with others or with oneself, that should be put in place of it.  

 At the same time, I like to teach people that some of the darkest parts of life can be faced with consciousness and without devastation.  

Some people do come to therapy hoping to be able to enjoy a change in their life without opening up, without self revelation and without having to go through much of a process of learning to trust the therapist.  This approach will impede any real insight or true internal shifts.  It will still allow for problem solving, venting, and a lightweight therapeutic effect, however.  So this is a more guarded, defensive posture which will preclude profound change but can still be one way to use the therapy resource.  Related post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/06/attachment-and-transformation-in.html
Here is a post, written earlier that talks about defenses in a different way: http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/04/self-esteem.html

"Defense mechanisms (or coping styles) are automatic psychological processes that protect the individual against anxiety and from awareness of internal or external dangers or stressors.  Individuals are often unaware of these processes as they operate.  Defense mechanisms mediate the individual's reaction to emotional conflicts and to...stressors".  American Psychiatric Association

My intention is to write more about specific defense mechanisms.  Are you interested in this topic?

Lowering Holiday Stress

The Christmas rush is on---here is a link to an article with some useful tips for keeping balanced

This can be a playful, celebratory time of year and it can be a difficult time of year.  There's, undeniably a lot of pressure (at least, many people feel it) to have fun and make everyone on your list happy.  Here's a link to an article with some useful ideas for keeping calm and being able to truly enjoy the holidays:
http://acutakehealth.com/how-to-lower-stress-and-survive-the-holidays-with-acupuncture#comment-10168days:  
A post I wrote  previously about gift giving is here:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/12/being-santa.html
It's a post that gives you a way to think about selecting gifts.

Regrets

Trying to keep your slate clean

"The bitterest tears shed over graves

are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

  

---Harriet Beecher Stowe

Forgiveness is one of those states that seem so much easier to reach once a person has gone.  Why not try to imagine that and reach the state of forgiveness while they are still here and you can tell them.







How has forgiveness touched your life?

Stress Reduction, 3

If you tend to see the glass as half full, you may enjoy increased longevity.

 Fill your glass up if it's half empty.  One study found that optimistic people lived an average of 8 years longer than those who are generally pessimistic.


It is interesting to observe yourself.  When, for example, you are discussing a possible outcome of a situation with someone else, do you take the view that it is not likely to come out well?  Do you usually point out the pitfalls?  Are you the one who says, "Yes, but, this bad thing could happen or, such and so could go wrong." ?  You might think you are protecting yourself this way but, read the 1st paragraph again...

Also, notice others.  Do you know anyone who almost always looks on the bright side?  What do you think of them; do you think that they are unrealistic? 

If you find that your usual habit is to be a 'doubting Thomas', skeptical, or expecting the worst, ---this is something you can change.   When you see yourself do it, stop yourself, try reversing it in your mind.  Gradually, you can develop a new habit, a healthy habit of being optimistic!

(This is the completion of a series of 3 posts on the topic.  Stress Reduction http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/08/stress-reduction.html, Stress Reduction, 2  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/08/stress-reduction-2.htmland this Stress Reduction, 3.  Hope you enjoyed and found them useful) 

An earlier post on the subject of stress:  Stressed Out!!! 

Repeating History and Expecting a Different Outcome

We all do it

 "Remember the old Chinese handcuffs thing," a friend reminds me when I get stuck doing the same thing over and over, even though whatever I'm doing doesn't work.

A Chinese handcuff is a toy, a small bamboo tube, about four inches long. You stick an index finger in each end. Then when you pull, you're trapped. The harder you pull, the more stuck you get. Your instinctive reaction, not the handcuffs, keeps you trapped. To set yourself free you have to take certain steps. Letting go isn't enough. You have to relax, then gently push in before you can pull yourself loose.

Sometimes taking action means relaxing and doing the opposite of what our instincts tell us to do. If we have tried to do something a hundred times, and the way we're doing it hasn't worked, it probably still won't the next time. It may be time to try something else.  From Hazeldon publications, courtesy of Christian Jackson.

  Here is a situation that we come across in the therapy office often.  And we are all subject to it, aren't we.  We develop habits over time; the habits evolve into patterns.  And so, we repeat the same coping mechanisms, the same attitudes and approaches, the same interpersonal style, the same problem solving process and ways of dealing with what comes up in life, even when it isn't working.

Sometimes a coping process was created because it was, in fact, effective for you---at an earlier time of life, or, for a different set of circumstances.  And yet, like draught horses, we continue repeating our determined walk down the same old path or, worse yet, around the same circle.  

This is where your natural human ability to be creative can be put into play.  When you notice that a problem in your life is persisting, despite your dauntless efforts to solve it, it's time to rethink your actions. This requires self-observation.  Or, you can ask others what they see you doing.  But, in this case, you will have to work with yourself to be ready to accept their feedback as constructive.  Let's be honest, neither of these start tips is easy.  However, repeating a behavior that is undermining your goal is worse I think.

Those ruts we get in can be pretty deep.  I've seen people in therapy work and struggle with a problem and finally change what they are doing, only to fall back into the same old rut.  It's a slippery slope! 

It may take many tries.  (Circumambulation is a post that talks about the process of repeatedly returning to a sticky topic in the course of therapy:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/11/circumambulation.html)  But the reward at the end is true change, not to mention a problem solved.  Or, even if the problem still isn't completely solved, it will have shifted.  That shifting jostles all the old patterns out of place and leaves room for more movement, improvement and potential for resolution.  

I especially like the 3rd paragraph in the quote at the beginning of this post.  It reminds me of how the Buddhists think.  It sounds like something Pema Chodron would say.  It makes me remember when, years ago, for a brief time I lived in an area where it snowed in the winter (Utah).  I was given the advice that if you were driving and got into a spin, to go with it rather than trying to stop it with your brakes. 

Don't be stubborn.  Don't close your mind.  These attitudes, while they might feel temporarily safe, usually don't serve you well. 

If you make, even an internal shift, not consciously changing your behavior, the other parts of the problem cannot, by logic, stay the same.  Think about it.
              Do you feel encouraged by this post?

Oldies But Goodies

Some posts I like

Shyly is a post that touches on Jungian theory, discusses Western culture in comparison to others and, includes a personal note from me.  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/shyly.html

"I've Lost 38 pounds..." describes how therapy can actually be a magical process at times.  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/09/ive-lost-38-pounds.html


The Delivery is about how your communication style can make all the difference in how well you are heard  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/10/delivery.html.

Depression Prevention talks about how sometimes depression in adult life can be rooted in an earlier stage of life---how to understand this in yourself and to avoid seeing it develop in a child  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/10/depression-prevention.html.

                                                                                   Maybe some of these will be of interest to you.

Frustrating For Me

Wasted Posts

You all, the wonderful people who come to my blog seeking something, seem to me to be missing out.  When you come here and see something you like and want to explore more, naturally you click on one of the Popular Posts on that list. 

So, what happens is that------Google counts the visits to each post and, thus, the same posts get listed and re-listed as being the most popular because most visits are limited to those posts.

There are 360 posts here (there are only 10 on that list), probably at least a few of that other 350  are better than those on that list.  Or, maybe there are some that will be of more interest to you, in particular.

So, please try some other search methods:

1. Click on a label that sounds intriguing
2. Type a word or topic into the search bar
3. A 3rd way is to go to the Archive and click on a month

I promise, there is more here, much much more than just what shows on that list of 10 "Popular Posts". 

Besides that, you don't want me to be frustrated do you?

Thoughtful Eating is Healthy Eating

Here are a couple of ideas for how to help yourself with your relationship to food

Key to weight loss? Think about it

Arthur Foulkes, The Tribune-Star, Terre Haute, Ind.
Knight Ridder/Tribune Business News
"...
Kristeller, clinical psychologist and senior research scientist at Indiana State University, researches and teaches what is called mindfulness eating -- an approach to food that can help people lose and keep off weight without a radical diet or dramatic changes in the foods they eat.
Kristeller helps clients ... understand how to eat smarter and healthier.

The ISU professor is featured in the second part of a four-part Home Box Office series, "The Weight of the Nation," a look at the nation's obesity problem. The HBO documentary featuring Kristeller and Elissa Epel, one of the chief investigators in the study at the University of California in San Francisco, is available online at theweightofthenation.hbo.com.
Being "mindful" about eating, Kristeller said, is simply stopping and deliberately thinking about what you are going to eat and why. It's checking with your body's signals, such as feeling hungry or feeling full. It's also making conscious decisions about what, when and how much to eat.
"A lot of eating patterns are automatic," Kristeller said in a recent interview at the ISU Psychology Clinic. "We actually make hundreds of decisions a day about eating."

Mindful eating also focuses on the quality of food over quantity. In American culture, "more is better," seems to determine our eating habits. Kristeller's approach would have us put quality first.
Focusing on quantity has helped cause "a massive obesity problem" in the United States, Kristeller said. Mindful eating focuses on appreciating food, savoring it and not just wolfing it down.
 ...

Hear your body's signals---
Mindful eating involves listening to your body's signals.
Often we eat even after we have consumed all the calories our bodies require, Kristeller said. Mindful eating allows us to slow down and recognize when we've had all we need. Slowing down and savoring food also allows us to maximize the pleasure we get from food.

"If you love French fries, we don't tell you to stop eating French fries," Kristeller said. "Just eat fewer" and enjoy them more.
"You might be surprised that if you really focused on savoring even four or five French fries, rather than gobbling down 20 or 30, you'd enjoy them and realize that this was possibly enough," she said.
Mindful eating is also about budgeting how many calories you consume, but primarily it is about "creating a healthy relationship with eating and food," Kristeller said.

The mindful approach to eating spills over into other areas of a person's life...

And, unlike traditional forms of dieting, the mindful approach to eating does not force someone to give up favorite foods. Nor does it impose other habits that are so out of the ordinary that any weight loss is likely to be only temporary. Mindful eating involves learning to tune in on natural hunger and fullness cues -- knowing when you've eaten enough.
"That's the great thing about the skills [involved in mindful eating]," Linda said. "It's not something that you lose just because you had a bad moment or bad day."
Reporter Arthur Foulkes can be reached at (812) 231-4232 or arthur.foulkes@tribstar.com."

* * * * *

Another recent notion put forth is the idea (fact?) that there are significant differences in how acute people's taste buds are.  So, those who have a very sensitive taster are likely to be more easily satisfied and to eat less.  Those with less sharp taste buds tend to keep eating once they begin, trying to get a sense of satisfaction.  It seems unfair but this is something that would be inborn.  If you can figure this out about yourself and you tend to be more numb to flavors, possibly the mindfulness approach would help you enjoy food more by paying more attention to what you do eat.

Applying mindfulness to eating is where mental health and physical health come together.

BTW, just to let you know, I am trying to install the mindful eating habit in myself and it isn't instant nor easy.  Just like any new behavior, it takes purposeful doing of it for awhile before it will become a habit.  But, I think this one is a worthwhile effort.  

If you try this method, please tell us how it goes.

Stress Reduction

The 1st of a series of 3 simple tips for stress reduction

"Be Grateful.  Try this before going to bed tonight:  Write down three things that you feel thankful for or three things that went well today.  Research shows that 15 minutes of daily gratitude can dramatically decrease stress hormones."  Author unknown

A post I wrote on this topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/11/gratitude.html

What are you grateful for?

You, a Legend in Your Own Time

Being Who You Want To Be

Is there a particular quality you just so wish you had?  One that you admire in someone else?  A way you want to be?  

How about versatile or adaptable or the one who can 'go with the flow', the easy-going person. Possibly you like the opposite of that, the energetic type, the one who is always ready to go on to the next thing, an adventuresome type.  Maybe you'd like to be seen as elegant.  Perhaps you'd like to develop an ambitious, independent spirit.  Or it's more important to you that people see you as being friendly.

There are as many choices as there are people, what do you place a value on? 

Think of whom you admire; what is it about that person that provokes that feeling in you, the feeling of admiration?  Once you identify the quality, you can begin to develop that characteristic in yourself.  Yes, you can!

Why not?  First take it apart into it's components:  If it's elegance, what are the parts that add up to finally giving that impression---beautifully groomed? composed? great posture? excellent manners? 

How about friendly?  How does a friendly person behave?  Are they relaxed in their demeanor with new people, do they open up themselves in conversation, smile, show interest in others?

Once you have the components, you can begin practicing them yourself.  Yes, you can become a person you, yourself admire. 

Once you have chosen the quality you want to adopt, let me know what you are working on.

Meditation

     A focus for meditation from one of my recent Kundalini Yoga classes

Truth is my identity.

Vulnerability

An inspiring video

  If you have 20 minutes, this is an encouraging video to watch.  Like many talks and books, it gets better as it goes.  Get past the 1st 2 minutes and then she, the speaker, starts rolling.  By the time you get to the end, you'll get to the good stuff.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I think that if you watch this, you'll find that it fits with my message here at the blog.

Let me know.  Did you like it?

The Magic Formula

Keeping your marriage happy

 The formula is:  Date night, once a week.  A weekend away, once a month.  A real vacation, just the two of you, once a year.

This formula can be adapted to your circumstances.  Maybe you can only find time for one date a month, for example.  But whatever pattern you decide upon, it should be sacrosanct; date night is date night, the whole family knows it, and it will be honored.   The date can be simple or elaborate, as your means dictate:   It can be a simple picnic or an elegant evening out to dinner or the symphony.  The point is that you reserve time for a pleasurable activity, that you enjoy together.  The same goes for the short trip away together; it can be a Friday night camping trip to the beach or a weekend in the wine country at an elegant hotel, whatever works for you.         The idea is  to                                                                                                        Artist Charlotte Kruk

 get away from all your cares, obligations, and worries and have some relaxed time together.  By the way, these times are not for  discussing problems.  You can set aside another time for that.  

I have one couple who like to trade planning the date and the one who plans it invites the other.  If you are a couple who each like very different activities, it's an opportunity to try to please the other. 

You are invited to join in the conversation here.  Please comment below.

Love On The Shelf

Don't leave your most important relationship to languish

 A new couple came to see me to consider beginning marriage counseling.
They've been married a long time, have grown children and some little grandchildren.
They've known each other since they were kids.
They are middle-aged now, still working at their careers and actively engaged with their family life.  So, what's the problem?
Their marriage is withering on the vine.  Why?  It's been left unattended for most of their married life.

They say they did try counseling once before some years back but it sounded as if their participation was half-hearted.  Apparently the counselor made some suggestions, they tried them for awhile, then just drifted back to their old ways.

Since her mothering role is no longer needed, she has developed a hobby; she goes walking w/"the girls".  As the group got into better condition, they started to  go on hiking trips several times a year.  She is very fit, has close friendships with some of the women in the group, and is devoted to this activity.  Meanwhile, he is the kind of guy who likes to putter.  He spends time in his garage, tinkering.  He's handy, so he likes to tune up the garden and house on the weekends.  He also keeps up a bit of an exercise program but it is more for health purposes rather than as a hobby.  Neither one of them is much interested in what the other is doing and she wishes he would get out more like she does.  He wants her to be more like him, a homebody.
In their presentation to me, both acknowledge there's a problem in the marriage and that they've "grown apart". 
But, their solutions are the same:  They each want the other to change.  They each like their own activities and the way they conduct their own individual life and don't volunteer to make any changes themselves.                                                              Artist:  Elizabeth Frank

These people have part of it right; you do need to be an independent person with a developed identity of your own before you can be emotionally intimate with another.  But, what is missing is the attention to the relationship itself.  There is nothing shared, no mutual interest other than the extended family events; they never make plans to do fun things together.  They share no pleasures.  They each obtain their primary gratification in life from independent interests.  When they talk to each other, there is no listening going on and there is anger in evidence as well as defeat.
In addition, they each see the other as wrong and in need of correction but are doing no self-evaluation.  (This is the key)

Remember the post, You Can Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar?  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/05/you-can-catch-more-flies-with-honey.html
It almost seems as if they could save some money and just follow the suggestions in that post, doesn't it.  Well, that would improve their happiness but, of course, their problem is more complicated than that so they do need a therapist---to see beneath the surface and to decipher the interpersonal dynamics.  So, hopefully, they will make the commitment to work on their relationship in therapy.

~However, their case as I've outlined it above, does illustrate the point, that relationships need nurturing.  Too many of us think that we can busy ourselves with all of the many responsibilities and interesting activities of life while our relationship will take care of itself.  No, not really.  Marriage is not the solution, marriage is the beginning.  Marriage means you have something in your life that is central and that you need to attend to, on-going.  It needs to be given your energy, your time, and your thought.~

What kind of relationship do you want would be a good question to begin with:  Do you want comfort?  Is a romantic relationship what you wish for?  Friendship---maybe you want a life-partner-buddy.  Do you want to plan adventures together or do you want to develop a beautiful home life?  Do you want a close confidante or more of a business-of-life partner?  Whatever you want, communicate about it with your mate.  See if you can come up with a shared vision.  And then, put some effort into manifesting that vision.  Wishing you good fortune in that endeavor!

If you are interested in reading more about relationships, click on that label which is on the landing page.  There is also a label that lists all posts that talk about communication.
Your comments are welcome.

Even More, On Empathy

Empathy is the one gift we all have to give

 For sometime now, I have been noticing an absence of empathy in the couples I see for counseling, in my practice.  I also see it in  some individual sessions, when the patient is reporting on some other person in their life or, on an interaction.  It is a relatively new phenomenon to notice.  I attribute this to three things:

• It's a sign of the times
• I reached a level of experience as a therapist where I was able to discern this
• It's not being taught to people as they grow up

 I realize that the large swath of Americans who would identify as belonging to the middle-class are really struggling right now.  I think that this could be a big part of the reason for the withholding of empathy ; people are saving their energy for catastrophe. 
I have been through a foreclosure on his home with one of my patients---after a successful family life and a career, his kids fortunately were grown when this happened,young adults---he lost his job.  Next was the painful process of losing his house.  Now, in his early 50's, he is living with his elderly parents, in their house.  

I have another person in my practice who is trying to find a job as her husband's health is failing and tells me that she cannot even get her resume looked at by potential employers because they are so flooded with applicants.  

So as people see this all around them, they are on alert, trying to protect what they have, feeling like the rug may be pulled out from under them at any time.

When their partner expresses distress of any kind, they don't want to hear it.  They want their partner to just be okay ("Please, don't add another burden to my shoulders."). 

 Sometimes, if the worry is a shared one, they don't want their own, barely-under-wraps anxiety to emerge, so they don't want their spouse to talk to them about those anxieties.  If the partner's trouble is individual, they just can't tolerate listening to much about it as they begin to feel overwhelmed very quickly.

Also, parents are feeling pressed and sometimes alarmed by the changes in the world economy and can barely do the minimum for their children, much less even think to teach them about empathy.  (this is something that was taught to children when I was growing up)

Of course, this is one of those things that can be reversed into a positive feedback loop.
I f you think how disappointed you feel when you go to your mate for comfort and get the cold shoulder,                                                                                   

 

 you will not want to do that yourself.  We all need sanctuaries and sometimes our mate can provide that, emotionally.

I think that when I see couples  complaining about their partners feelings, moods, worries, that they are telling us that they, themselves, are very stressed.  However, we can't all, always mend our own wounds.  Sometime we need help and sometimes we need to assist others.  Human beings are 'social animals'.  We do not thrive in isolation.

Empathy is different from sympathy.  It means, as the saying goes, walking a mile in someone else's shoes.  ("You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, 'till you climb into his skin and walk around in him awhile."  from To Kill A Mockingbird)  Think how relieving it is when somebody 'gets' you.  Or, even, if they don't exactly get it right, they at least, try.  Think how lonely it is to believe that you always have to solve all of your own problems by yourself.  Maybe spending a few minutes thinking about this will inspire you to offer some empathy when the opportunity next presents itself.

You can make the world a better place.

Last post on this topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/10/more-on-empathy.html

Give It A Try, Can't Hurt

Some advice I heard today that I added a bit to and am passing on to you

 

 Gather knowledge, read a lot, try to understand the world 

and your self.

An Inconvenient Convenience

The I-Thou

 The truth hurts.  Or does it?  Maybe it might, in the short run. In the long run, usually not.  Exceptions?  Yes.  The exceptions are that we don't need to volunteer every little thought we have, to our partner, just because it is true.  The obvious example is, for most couples---the passing attraction to a stranger on the street does not need to be shared.  This is unnecessary.
For some, unnecessary hurt.  For others, just a little pinch.  But why?  No need to do that.  No, we're not talking about that here.

The point here is that lying, in large part, diminishes closeness.  It is such a habit for some people that they may never think of this:  That to steal a free-ride in the moment, they have robbed themselves of empowering their relationship in the long run.

The blessing of being truly known, really seen, by another, depends in large part, on honesty.  By the same token, for you to get close to that other person, you have to know them.
In fact, the more deeply honest we are with each other, the more potential there is for real intimacy, emotional intimacy.  (BTW, that makes sex better too).  But, even in relationships other than your primary relationship, presenting your self simply and honestly enhances your chances of closer friendship with that person.

If you are fortunate enough to be the recipient of a piece of honest, open communication from another, do this:  Listen.

Take it in.  Consider what you are hearing.  Try to understand it.  Refrain from advice-giving and judgement-making.  Just realize that another person has honored you with their truth and now you know them better.  It's a gift, isn't it?

You can comment below---

"Revisioning Later Life..."

A View to the Future

"The years beyond midlife have the potential for being the most productive and satisfying period in our lives.  Although these years hold many challenges---including health concerns and physical aging---perhaps the most important challenge we face is finding meaning in our lives.  We have many choices:  we can focus on loss, disappointment and perhaps depression or, alternatively, transform this period into a time of profound psychological and spiritual growth.

This transformation requires a rebirth---a new way to live and be in the world.  We need to reassess and prioritize our interests, our passions and ways to pursue meaningful and intimate relationships.  For C.G.Jung, "aging is not a process of inexorable decline, but a time for the progressive refinement of what is essential."

Recent research has shown that the human brain can remain active, creative, and highly functional during our later years.  Too often we forget that mental and spiritual health is less a matter of fate than a matter of choice.  We can either shrink from life or enlarge it by engaging the passions of our soul, mining the richness of our true Self, and living the life we are truly meant to live."

(from the N.Y. Center for Jungian Studies)

Have you figured out how to age positively?  Do you know an elder who is living well?  A role model?  Let us know.