A Few Can Influence Many

Some human behaviors or feeling states can be contagious

I observed this myself, way back when, I was awaiting my interview for my first internship at the counseling center run by my graduate program (a useful tip: If you need psychotherapy and have little ability to pay, graduate school programs often run these counseling centers where students gain experience working with clients, under supervision of licensed therapists; the fees are usually based on a very low sliding fee scale).  As I waited I began noticing that the student next to me was quite agitated.  I was not.  But as I began sensing her anxiety, I could tell that it might affect me.  I moved to another seat and as several of us continued to wait for our interview appointment, I saw each of the other students, one by one, become anxious too.  Since then I have noticed this phenomenon  on other occasions:  I have noticed, for example, becoming stirred up if I am in the company of an anxious person---I am not immune.  But I am aware.
This experience I had was also mentioned in an earlier post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/05/see-me-hear-me-feel-me-touch-me.html

Some research that was done awhile ago, which I recently came across in my files tells us that happiness, loneliness, and obesity are also contagious.  Research by Nicholas Christakis at Harvard and James Fowler at U C San Diego.

This effect has since been reported by others again,more recently so, this research has held up.  How can obesity be contagious?  When you spend time around people who tend to overeat or choose unhealthy foods as a habit, you will be influenced to do the same.  I also noticed this myself, in the opposite way.  Because I usually attend several Yoga classes a week, I make little friendships with others who take the classes.  When we chat before or after class, subjects relating to good health often come up because people who do yoga tend to be health conscious.  There's talk about diet, exercise, stress reduction, supplements, and so on.  I do find myself thinking about what others have said, later, and also, trying some of their ideas.  There's also a subtle inspiring effect to re-commit myself to healthy practices.
(A related post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/geography-of-your-friendships.html) 

 The good news is that "Doing good deeds, or just being kind, is contagious --- and the behavior of a few can influence many...When people benefit from kindness, they 'pay it forward', which creates greater cooperation that influences others in a social network...Generosity was...tripled by others, who were directly or indirectly influenced to give more." Sharon Jayson 

 I have also been aware at times of how when one is interacting with a happy person, sometimes the happiness just flows out and washes over the other person and tends to lift their spirits.
  There are few things to think about here:

• Of course, you want to keep your boundaries intact if you are in the company of an anxious or lonely person.  

•  You can teach yourself to be alert to how you feel in the company of various people.  

• In addition, you might consider asking yourself just how are you, yourself, influencing others.  

Remember the butterfly effect-it is a theory akin to the research findings and my own observations reported above.

 Have you ever noticed your own state of mind being affected/altered by proximity to someone in a different state of mind?  Please comment.

Love

Some, such as Nelson Rockefeller and Mother Teresa believe that love is the most powerful force there is

"Love is sometimes shown in the things you don't say, don't keep track of, and don't notice.  The greatest kindness is often shown in letting things go.  None of us is perfect, but we can all be perfect friends and perfect partners by allowing those we love to be imperfect."

Neale Donald Walsch

"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."

Dr. Wayne Dyer

Communication

Some people call it "dumping"

 Two of the worst things one can do to another in a conversation is interrupt and not listen.  This last one can happen anywhere but, in fact, happens a lot on the phone.  Sometimes, one of the people is doing something else while having the conversation.  Don't fool yourself, the other can sense that distraction even though they can't see you.  People sometimes think that they can sort of half listen, or listen superficially, or multi-task or just listen to key words and get the gist of what the other is saying.  It doesn't work.  It can't be done.  The result is, either the communication is completed with misunderstanding or pretend understanding or, it takes more time due to one having to correct the other, i.e., "No, I said, Ms Smith not Ms Jones." 
Time (not enough of it) is often the reason for this attempt to have a conversation, an exchange of information or a visit without really paying full attention.  It's a kind of energy conservation or, attempt at that.  It's an effort to be efficient.  Often it turns out to be less efficient than if both had actually paid attention in the first place since things have to be repeated.

Interrupting is another matter, and, very annoying.  If you really want to make a point and you get cut off, you will have to wait, hold your focus, respond to the deviation and then, bring the thread of the conversation back to where you were going so that you can make your point.  
Why do people interrupt?  The not wanting to really listen, as discussed above, is one reason.  Being impatient is another.  Often it has to do with being, not in an exchange, but doing a diatribe.  In other words, the person who interrupts is only listening to the other enough to be reminded of something or to use the other's offering as a jumping off point for another idea of their own that they want to express.  They are not truly engaged in an exchange. What they want to do is discharge, rant, or lecture.  That is a one-sided type of communication.

A real conversation is mostly made up of listening and responding, on both parts.

In some cases the reason for not listening is deeper than just feeling rushed.  It may be defensive; possibly the person is trying to to avoid hearing difficult information, maybe they don't want to be influenced, or there may be another personal reason.  As the reader who wants to learn about yourself, this is where it gets interesting.  Do you ever notice yourself pretending to listen or politely faking it or doing the interrupting thing?  You can self-reflect on this:  Ask yourself why.
As for those who fake listen to you, you already know that it is tiring.  A good conversation should leave you feeling fine, not weary, not annoyed, not vaguely discontent.

~Rather than enervate you, a good conversation should invigorate you.  You should leave feeling intact (boundaries not violated).  Neutral is okay but if you leave feeling enhanced, that's a conversation wherein both people were real (open, honest, congruent); that is the stuff of emotional intimacy.  You should not leave feeling depleted and if you suspect you are leaving others a little worse for the wear, it might be enlightening to put some attention on why.~ 

(What kind of conversation do you think the people in the picture are having?)

Have you had experiences like those described in this post?

A suggested post if you wish to think further on this topic: 

 http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/08/paulas-five-communication-steps.html

and there are also 10 more, enlightening posts on this subject of communication. 

Making Mistakes

Sometimes the professionals we rely on don't get it right

Have you ever had a physician make a mistake with you?  I have.  It isn't something you forget or get over easily. 
One example that happened to me is that I was diagnosed with a malignant melanoma and urgently pushed into outpatient surgery.  A lot of tissue was removed and it was not only a physical ordeal but also emotionally, a frightening thing to go through.  But, I trusted the doctor and went rushing forward.  Later I found out from a specialist in these type of skin cancers, at Stanford in San Francisco, that I had been misdiagnosed (did you know that slides of these medical events are kept?) and I actually had something harmless called a spindle cell spitz nevus which is supposedly often mistaken for a melanoma.  To finish this story, I later had a scar revision done by a plastic surgeon-also, not fun- but something far in the past for me now from which I am fully recovered.  The point is, the doctor I relied on made a mistake.

One example.  But these things have happened to me more than once.  And to people I know.  I know one person, for example, who had the opposite happen-a cancer that the doctor didn't think was anything.  Sadly, it was ignored and grew and now he is in big trouble.  So, back to our "imperfect therapists" (http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/05/imperfect-therapist.html).  If doctors, the professionals who, at least in this country, are elevated almost to royalty, can make mistakes, so can therapists.  And we do.

So, the point is, as the psychotherapy patient, don't be afraid to say, "I don't think so", or "that doesn't seem quite right," or-after true consideration-"I just don't think that fits me."  A solid therapist should be able to take that correction and keep moving along with you.

~You are the final authority in your therapy.  

You must look within to discover whether or not an intervention, a piece of feedback, a direction, resonates with you---or not.  

Ultimately, only you can know.~

On the other hand, in giving you this advice I have to warn against the other side where you are too guarded and skeptical in your therapy.  That will work against you.

•  Your therapist may, indeed, be able to point out a blind spot.  And, if you are open, you should  be able to acknowledge it, once it's highlighted.  
• Your therapist may be able to foresee trouble in a direction you are moving in, in your life, and you would be wise to consider the possibility when it's presented.  
• Your therapist may have a clearer view of the larger picture, which you hadn't realized due to being immersed in it, and that is beneficial to you.  
• By listening carefully and remembering salient points, a therapist may be able to draw together 2 disparate pieces of your communication and present a hypothesis; this can be enlightening for you.  
• A therapist, by attending, may be able to point out a contradiction; this may serve to illuminate a new perspective for you.

There's a lot a therapist can offer, due to training, due to experience, and due to the fact that when you are there, they put other concerns aside and focus entirely on you.

Nonetheless, they can occasionally be wrong, or slightly off.  (Remember the recent Fallen Angels post---no body's perfect).
http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/07/fallen-angels.html

Even the most splendid, lovely, accomplished, that you adore, therapist, cannot be flawless.

But!  What I have found---and, this is difficult to explain but it is a real experience,--- is, that if I stay open (as a patient) in a session, consider everything that comes up, whatever and all that is offered, I usually find something in it.  Weird, but true.  So, in my own sessions, I do correct sometimes but, mostly I just try to stay in the flow.

Food for thought I hope.

What comes up for you in reading this?

Fear of Fear and Seredipitious Happenings

Finding Pema Chodron's post in my e-mail saying the very same thing I had said to a client a few hours earlier

A couple of days ago, I was talking  to a client about the opportunity inherent in bringing the dark side out into the light.  In this case, she had said she realized that a cluster of behaviors that she does habitually were serving the purpose of keeping her anxiety at bay.  In other words, if  she stopped doing these things, she would feel anxious. 

An example of this kind of complex is one person who won't let another be alone, ostensibly so he, the other, won't  be something---afraid, confused, lonely, whatever.  But, really it's to keep person A from worrying or facing his own issues.  Another example would be the person who always plans all the parties; it's a lot of work.  But, he doesn't have to wonder if he will be invited!  There are lots of ways that people do this.  Maybe you can recognize this type of a pattern in yourself.
What I was telling the client was that when you purposely cease the binding behavior, you get to see what your anxiety really is---how does it feel, is it intermittent or prolonged, what is it like-is it in your mind or your body or both.  When I was laying this out, she made a good joke saying, "Oh, what fun, I can hardly wait!"  It was cute.
The thing about what I proposed is that you can either avoid the scary thing or face it and stare it down or, even just go through it.  This last will show you that you can survive anxiety.  "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.", someone once said.


According to Carl Jung's theory, we all have a shadow side, as he called it.  It means that we have parts of us that we hide away, even from ourselves.  We don't want to see it; we don't want to experience it; we don't want others to see it.
The more you have stuffed away in your shadow, the less you have in consciousness.  The more that is hidden from yourself and others, the less you have access to your full self.  Therapy is a way to bring yourself to more consciousness. 

As I write about this complex and, sometimes for some, hard to think about topic, I am reminded of the children's book, Where The Wild Things Are. 

~

>The shadow items can also pop up when a person is under great stress or pressure or emotional tension.  Even someone who has done a lot of work with themselves can experience this.  The thing to do is be on the lookout for it.<
An example from my own life is that a few months ago I and a person I had a very close and caring relationship with, had to say good-bye.  Instead of staying with the difficult feelings engendered by this situation, he suddenly shifted into a very cold and distant mode toward me, treating me like a number instead of a thou.  Had he been able to catch himself, we could still have had a meaningful, loving good-bye.  As it is, this has become one of those relationships that goes into memory as torn off.
 
Perhaps you can begin to see the advantage---in the long run---of increasing your awareness of yourself.  In the short run, it's difficult, yes.  But, as we all know, some things get worse before they get better.  And, if you have a solid therapist to hang in with you on the way, it is very reassuring.
Here is Pema Chodron's version of what I said to my patient:

October 3, 2012

THE DETOX PERIOD

When you refrain from habitual thoughts and behavior, the uncomfortable feelings will still be there. They don’t magically disappear. Over the years, I’ve come to call resting with the discomfort “the detox period,” because when you don’t act on your habitual patterns, it’s like giving up an addiction. You’re left with the feelings you were trying to escape. The practice is to make a wholehearted relationship with that. 

Does this post bring to light for you some of your own unconscious behaviors?  If that happens and it makes you feel a little uneasy, don't run.  Maybe try reading the book mentioned above (it is by Maurice Sendak) or, if you are in therapy, bring it up in your next session.

False Pride Can Lead to Loss

Relationships lost over the need to be right

 Today I was in a cafe having a cup of tea.  Right behind me was a table where a couple were having an argument, an argument that went on for a long time.  I was trying not to hear it but still, the jist of it came through.  It was about being right.
It was arguing to prevail, to be the best at the debate.
Of course, there are no winners here.

I used to know someone who thought it was more important to establish the facts (that is, the facts as he saw them), in a disagreement with his wife than to leave her happy.  I am talking about mostly mundane arguments here such as how salty the soup is.

There are some people who find it very important to be right.  They want others to recognize that they are right.  They know the most.  They are sometimes also the people who say, "I told you so."  They want to triumph.

In the course of pursuing that victory, they lose something.  Conquering others does not engender closeness.  The victor walks off, head held high but, alone.

The man I mentioned above, who was so frequently correcting his wife and dominating in their disagreements, had an impoverished marriage.  In fact, although he was really a sweet and good person, because of this one penchant for arguing for the so-called facts, he was a pretty lonely guy.

Sadly, he never figured it out.

Do you know someone who fights for the prize of being the one who is right?  Do you have this habit?  In my view, most of the time, in personal relationships, it doesn't matter; being right contributes to a sense of self-importance but it isn't important who is right. 

That isn't what personal relationships are about. It seems to me that it is much more valuable to the nourishment of the relationship to accept the other's different perspective.
I believe it is usually more fruitful to truly consider the propositions put out by your mate or friend.  So, why do I say it's better?

Because this attitude buys you so much:
Engagement (a non-conversation stopper)
New ideas
Learning about another person
Closeness (your partner feels heard)
The absence of putting down someone you care about
You both got to enjoy an exchange
You can both leave the encounter happy
You are less likely to incur resentment
You might get to be listened to yourself, without having to impose yourself on the other

"That is the happiest conversation where there is no competition, no vanity, but a calm, quiet interchange of sentiments."  Samuel Johnson
 Here's another true situation I know about.  Two brothers got in a fight during the time their elderly mother was needing assistance; she couldn't care for herself anymore and they had to help.   They were stressed-partly because, in this case, her decline happened suddenly and they hadn't expected it.  They weren't prepared.  The interruption and demands suddenly landing in the middle of their busy lives made them mad and they took it out on each other.  Yelling and aggressive language happened, hanging up the phone on each other happened.  One of them was a person who always had to argue until he could establish that he was right (this usually includes not being able to or inclined to apologize and that was the case here).  This time, although they had mended fences before, they were unable to and lost the relationship with each other, permanently.  Their children lost the benefit of their aunt and uncle and cousins.  A rift with far-reaching consequences had occurred which, while there were surrounding circumstances (the high stress both were feeling), it was the driving need to be right that closed all options, in the end.

"I'd far rather be happy than right any day."  Douglas Adams

A related post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/10/design-by-default.html

 What advantages have you found to giving up having to be right?

The Imperfect Therapist, Part III

Clients assessing the therapist

                                              Sculpture by Christine Kaiser

  Sometimes a therapist may look more flawed than they are.  
People come to therapy with certain expectations---sometimes they are happily surprised, sometimes they may feel they are not getting what they were looking for.

In this last case, we therapists sometimes receive criticism.  It has happened to me a few times.  When it is warranted, I am fine with it.  When it  isn't, I find it really hard to take.  But, the therapy session isn't the place for the therapist to become defensive...!  So, I feel it is actually much easier to take a deserved criticism as feedback and an opportunity to improve than it is to try to redeem yourself when a patient has complained inappropriately.  How do you stick up for yourself?  Difficult to do.

One time I got told that I didn't give enough direction and that I was more of a "listener type".  Actually, as therapists go, I am probably on the more talkative end of the spectrum (you may have figured that out if you've looked through this blog at all---lots of posts in a shorter time than most...!)
I am not one of those, "uh-huh, yes, ummm", silent type therapists (and I have also received compliments on that from other patients).  I am more of an engaged in an exchange type of therapist than most.   So, this felt quite unjust.
 I do listen though.  I have to know what the actual problem is and that takes some attention and time.  As a matter of fact, I often have to restrain myself because it is so tempting to tell people what to do which is not our job.
I do give suggestions however.  And, this comment seemed particularly undeserved as it was a case wherein I had made more suggestions than usual and really tried to work out a plan of action with the patient, only to have it ignored.
(Have you ever noticed how sometimes a person does something themselves and then blames another?  Very common.)

Of course, most people don't necessarily understand how therapy works, even some who have partaken of it for a long time.  When I go to therapy myself, I am not only working on myself or my own issues but, I am taking full advantage of the process.  Of course, that's because I know what it is.  
It would be a benefit to patients or potential patients to learn about how therapy actually works and why it helps, what a therapist's role is, and how the patient can make the most of their experience!      (Here is a post on that topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/12/biggest-bang-for-your-buck.html)
I don't believe in keeping therapy a mystery or a secret---that's one reason I do this blog---the more you can understand how the process works, the better position you are in to take the full benefit.  Here is another post on how you can best benefit from your therapy process:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/04/your-side-of-street.html 
Some people are more difficult to help than others:   

• Some come to therapy---a place, by definition, for change---very resistant to change.  
• Some present themselves to a therapist for help with a thorny problem and then withhold some of the pertinent information, leaving the therapy process handicapped.  
• Some repeat the same problem over and over but never apply in their life what insight or decision was arrived at in any of the sessions.  
• Some want things to be different in their lives but are interested only in 'tea and sympathy'.  
• Some would like it very much if others in their life would change but refuse to try anything differently themselves (even how they think about something).  
• There are patients who lie to their therapists sometimes which, of course, makes it impossibly difficult to help appropriately. 
• I have even had someone say, at the end of a session, wherein we developed a detailed plan about how to deal with a difficult family member, "Oh, I just wish she'd just stop causing problems."  It was clear to me at that point that none of the planning we had done was going to be applied.

Nonetheless, we therapists in such situations usually keep trying, every week, to think creatively about the patient's problem, to come up with a new angle of approach, and to maintain our compassion for the person before us.

You can imagine how hard it would be to take criticism in one of these scenarios...!

Lest I end this view on one of the challenges of being in the therapist role on a sour note, I will share with you a wonderful bit of an assessment I received today from a young client of mine---a cute teenager:  She said:  "I like it that this is like a conversation and I am not feeling like I am getting the 3rd degree!  I like having a regular weekly meeting even though I don't always have a crisis, it's nice to know this is here for me in case I do.  I'm glad we can laugh together sometimes.  I feel like you really care."
That little girl made my day! 

Please share your feelings in a comment below or in the reaction boxes.  

(This is Part III of the series, The Imperfect Therapist, which has continued to attract many readers; the second post in the series is here: 
  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/03/look-before-you-leapthe-imperfect.html)

Fallen Angels

Some of us strive for perfection in all we do

 I began re-visiting this subject  when I happened  to watch a

 documentary about aid to Haiti after the massive earthquake they suffered there.  There was so much effort from various corners of the world at that time; some countries sent their military and there were also civilian volunteers who made their way there on their own steam.  Think of the compassionate drive those individuals must have---to interrupt their own lives, find a way to transport themselves to a faraway place, and then dive in to help, to help strangers, people of a culture different from theirs, but people in tremendous need.  Some individuals feel that---the need in such a situation--- and feel it to such a degree that it drives them to act.  Amazing   Inspiring.

In addition, there is chaos and danger in a situation like that.  For one thing, sanitation systems are destroyed or damaged.  Water:  One of the main things the U.S. Air Force was delivering was containers of clean drinking water.  Chaos itself can be disturbing but sometimes it also brings people to a point of desperation and that, too, can be dangerous.  Nonetheless, people went:  Compassion overrode fear.  And, they did the best they could.

In such a disaster, the problems can seem SO vast and nearly endless.  It is easy to feel frustrated, to see your own contribution as a drop in the bucket.  In the film, a pilot, returning to his home base was reflecting on what they'd done on the mission.  He talked about how some people had talked about how they had fallen short, how so much was left to be done.  His observation was that some people say that if it's not perfect, it's useless. But his own way of thinking about it all was, as he put it, to remember the smiles on the faces of the people they did help. 

I liked how he he kept his perspective, how he comforted himself, how he was able to recognize that he had done what he could.  Many of us could take a lesson from his way of dealing with a difficult experience.  Some of us try to be perfect when we are just human.  Humans aren't perfect.  We are all fallen angels.

This applies to therapy too.  A person or a couple may enter therapy with grand expectations.  The truth is one never knows how the process will go nor the outcome.  Usually you will benefit and your outcome will be productive.  But, there are not guarantees and no way to predict.  It is something you must enter into wholeheartedly, with honesty, being candid and, also, open to whatever evolves in the process.

Do you find yourself expecting perfection from yourself and others?  How does this impact your life?  Your comments will be helpful to those who follow this blog.

Attachment and Transformation in Therapy

When the therapist fails.

Sometimes it happens that a beloved, depended upon therapist dies suddenly.  One of our Grand Rounds presentations was by a colleague who had this unfortunate experience when her analyst, with whom she was in the middle of her work, suddenly passed away.  (this was by Robin A. Deutach, PhD and called, A Voice Lost, A Voice Found:  After the Death of the Analyst; tell me in the comment section if you want to hear more about this talk.)  Also, The Healing Hour, by V.C. August tells the story of another analysand who lost her therapist.  "Every love relationship bears the risk of inevitable loss, and so to offer one’s heart is always an act of emotional courage. The two main characters in The Healing Hour are not a likely pairing. The narrator, V, is an independent, feisty, witty businesswoman who is in a committed, happy relationship. Dr. Alex is a psychiatrist who helps her when she becomes quite ill with lupus, a disease that puts V at risk of losing both her eyesight and her business. But it is only a short time before Dr. Alex herself becomes ill, terminally. The healing hour now involves V’s support and feelings for Dr. Alex. The memoir shows how being willing to love everywhere — your mate, your career, the streets of New York, your family, and then, even your doctor — can be healing for everyone. Even the readers.")
More commonly, will be the situation where the therapist succumbs to the flu or a sinus infection, a virus or some other medical problem.  Besides not being above human ailments, we are also in a closed room for nearly an hour with sick, symptomatic people a lot.  Why do people come when they are ill?  Some of it is probably wishing to avoid paying the fee for not having given adequate notice to cancel the session.  But, also, therapy can make a person feel better.  It isn't talked about much and I haven't seen any scientific studies on it, but, I do think that therapy can contribute to good health, overall.  After all, our bodies are not disconnected from our minds.  Your therapist is probably one of the most compassionate people you can see when you are feeling lousy.  Even just that is sometimes enough to create a relaxation response which, if nothing else, relieves pain (and that is documented).

I've had a lot of therapy myself and done personal growth and self development work almost all of my adult life.  I think it is in part, a result of that effort that I don't often get sick enough that I have to stay home from work and I am generally healthier than average for my age.  But, recently, I did come down with a bacterial infection---not something one can power through.  I
was forced to cancel appointments at my office.  It was interesting how my patients reacted.  There was a whole range, from some who simply took it as an ordinary bump-in-the-road type life event, through those who felt quite sorry, to those who were angry.
 It made me recall an experience I had, many years ago with my dear therapist of the time, Marty Johnson, MFT.  While I was early in my career then, nonetheless, I was a practicing therapist myself.  I was an adult. But, when she called and left me a message that she was sick and had to postpone our appointment to the next scheduled time that we had, I called back and left her a message, asking her to call me.

  Despite being an adult professional myself, I was quite dependent on her at that point.  I feel a bit chagrined as I remember this.  (Poor thing.  She did call me, though she felt so poorly, and I really didn't have anything to say.)  However, from my current vantage point, I  recognize that some dependency is a normal stage of therapy for most patients.  I went through that stage with her and, eventually on to a good conclusion of the therapy and came out with more independence than I went in with. 
  With my most recent therapist, when he called, sick or, once when he had to have a knee surgery, these things were no problem to me.  So, I got to see my own growth by comparing the two experiences.  I share it partly because it is a good illustration of how therapy, while engendering dependency to some extent, eventually can afford the patient more autonomy.

You have to be willing to trust your therapist enough to allow that dependency to develop so that you can then grow out of it.  If you stay at a more superficial level in the relationship, you can utilize the therapist's ability to problem solve, you can enjoy the sympathy when airing out your difficulties, and still gain a lot from time in therapy.  But, if you want deeper changes, you have to agree to hold that person in a special position within your own psyche.  Meanwhile the therapist, for their part, has to be capable of carrying whatever projection their client has on them.  This is why it is important that we (we therapists) do a lot of personal work and sort out our own issues as much as possible, so that we can hang in there, in that neutral, compassionate, holding position as long as you need it.                                                                                                                                                                                Artist JohnMaggiotto
This is an exposition, in brief, of part of why I have said previously that the therapy relationship is central to the success of the therapy; it is part of the source of healing.

Does this post remind you of any of your experiences?  Please share.

(For a related article on dependence and autonomy, re. adult couples and parenting relationships, rather than the therapy relationship as I have written about above, take a look at this one:  http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_people_are_not_feet?utm_source=GG+Newsle) 

Vulnerability

An inspiring video

  If you have 20 minutes, this is an encouraging video to watch.  Like many talks and books, it gets better as it goes.  Get past the 1st 2 minutes and then she, the speaker, starts rolling.  By the time you get to the end, you'll get to the good stuff.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I think that if you watch this, you'll find that it fits with my message here at the blog.

Let me know.  Did you like it?

Even More, On Empathy

Empathy is the one gift we all have to give

 For sometime now, I have been noticing an absence of empathy in the couples I see for counseling, in my practice.  I also see it in  some individual sessions, when the patient is reporting on some other person in their life or, on an interaction.  It is a relatively new phenomenon to notice.  I attribute this to three things:

• It's a sign of the times
• I reached a level of experience as a therapist where I was able to discern this
• It's not being taught to people as they grow up

 I realize that the large swath of Americans who would identify as belonging to the middle-class are really struggling right now.  I think that this could be a big part of the reason for the withholding of empathy ; people are saving their energy for catastrophe. 
I have been through a foreclosure on his home with one of my patients---after a successful family life and a career, his kids fortunately were grown when this happened,young adults---he lost his job.  Next was the painful process of losing his house.  Now, in his early 50's, he is living with his elderly parents, in their house.  

I have another person in my practice who is trying to find a job as her husband's health is failing and tells me that she cannot even get her resume looked at by potential employers because they are so flooded with applicants.  

So as people see this all around them, they are on alert, trying to protect what they have, feeling like the rug may be pulled out from under them at any time.

When their partner expresses distress of any kind, they don't want to hear it.  They want their partner to just be okay ("Please, don't add another burden to my shoulders."). 

 Sometimes, if the worry is a shared one, they don't want their own, barely-under-wraps anxiety to emerge, so they don't want their spouse to talk to them about those anxieties.  If the partner's trouble is individual, they just can't tolerate listening to much about it as they begin to feel overwhelmed very quickly.

Also, parents are feeling pressed and sometimes alarmed by the changes in the world economy and can barely do the minimum for their children, much less even think to teach them about empathy.  (this is something that was taught to children when I was growing up)

Of course, this is one of those things that can be reversed into a positive feedback loop.
I f you think how disappointed you feel when you go to your mate for comfort and get the cold shoulder,                                                                                   

 

 you will not want to do that yourself.  We all need sanctuaries and sometimes our mate can provide that, emotionally.

I think that when I see couples  complaining about their partners feelings, moods, worries, that they are telling us that they, themselves, are very stressed.  However, we can't all, always mend our own wounds.  Sometime we need help and sometimes we need to assist others.  Human beings are 'social animals'.  We do not thrive in isolation.

Empathy is different from sympathy.  It means, as the saying goes, walking a mile in someone else's shoes.  ("You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, 'till you climb into his skin and walk around in him awhile."  from To Kill A Mockingbird)  Think how relieving it is when somebody 'gets' you.  Or, even, if they don't exactly get it right, they at least, try.  Think how lonely it is to believe that you always have to solve all of your own problems by yourself.  Maybe spending a few minutes thinking about this will inspire you to offer some empathy when the opportunity next presents itself.

You can make the world a better place.

Last post on this topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/10/more-on-empathy.html

Biggest Bang For Your Buck

How to Get The Most Out of Your Therapy Session

 The post I wrote about therapists, called The Imperfect Therapist, has received a lot of attention and continues to attract a lot of readers.   That post discusses what you should expect from a therapist.  However, there are two sides to the story.  How beneficial your therapy is depends, not only on how effective your therapist is but, also, on what you bring to the table.
If you've never been through a course of therapy, it's hard to know how to make the most of it.
How to best use therapy is actually something to be learned.  It is different from  going to other professionals such as a medical doctor or accountant, or tax preparer, or dentist or financial adviser or lawyer since these people usually do something specific to or for you.  For example, a dentist does a procedure to your teeth (oooo, we don't really want to think about that too much, do we!), a lawyer drafts a will, a doctor writes a prescription, and so forth.  So, to these professionals, you simply present your problem and they do something about it. 

The difference in working with a therapist is that it is a collaborative effort.  So the best therapist in the world can't  be very successful with you if you go to them with all your defenses up:  They can't help you move in the most productive direction for you if you lie;  if you are hiding your feelings and restricting what you share, it will be hard for the therapist to make a connection with you.  Your therapist will be trying to begin and build, a trusting, reciprocal, safe, creative relationship with you.

 ~Most therapy effectiveness studies show that the quality of the relationship with the therapist is the most significant determinant of the outcome of the therapy.~

Therefore, the first step is to carefully select your therapist.  Personal referrals are good if you are lucky enough to know someone who has a therapist they like and think would be good for you.  Otherwise, beyond the basic credentials, you want to look for someone experienced, who seems competent to you, and with whom you can feel comfortable.  I don't mean that therapy is always going to be a cake walk, just that you should feel faith in doing your personal work with this particular person.

Next:

• Think about yourself before your session.  You may have a lot of things on your mind, but, try to feel what is foremost.  What has the most charge for you?  Bring that to your session.

•  Leave your cell phone in the car.  It is a distraction, even on vibe.  Your therapist isn't answering the phone during your session (I hope!), nor interrupting her attention on you to glance at incoming cell calls.  Take the therapy hour as time for yourself; leave your other obligations aside for the session and devote it, uninterrupted, to yourself.              

• Try to make it to every appointment if at all possible.  There is a psychological rhythm that gets established if you attend therapy regularly.

• Stay focused in the session.  It doesn't mean that free association shouldn't happen---sometimes insights come up---and it is an off-shoot of your original focus.  That's all right.  In fact, that's good.  Sometimes great leaps of learning take place there.  But what isn't good is if you just go off on tangent after tangent and end up only having poured out your mind contents without achieving any in-depth understanding on any of it.  That can  be frustrating if it happens a lot.

• Allow yourself to truly consider what suggestions your therapist might offer.  Sometimes the pent up emotionality of a topic will make it difficult for the patient to listen.  If you can't really consider it in the session, try still to take  in what your therapist says and consider it later. 

•  Have both your feelings and your thinking in gear during your session.

• Be forthcoming.  Be flowing rather than self-inhibiting.   The more you offer up, the more your therapist and you have to engage with and to consider.  Don't be a tightwad!  Be generous with your inner self and personal information in therapy.

• Think about what transpired in your session afterwords.  If it is at all possible, take some time right after your visit to digest what has occurred.  It's better not to just put it away and go running off to the next task in your day.  Definitely don't spew it all out to a friend or spouse or relative.  Even if you feel a lot about some of it---excited, stirred up, puzzled, or anything else, it's better to stay with that feeling and see what evolves.  If you immediately share it with someone else, it dilutes the therapeutic effect.

 If you stay in the process, you may continue to move along in your personal growth or toward the resolution of a problem, during the time between sessions; you may have realizations that result from what occurred in the session.  This is ideal as you hope one day, to be able to grow and change on your own.  By the way, therapy does ultimately help you to become more independent and differentiated.  It can take time, and you may feel dependent on your therapist for awhile, but, eventually you will begin to discover self clarification and firmer boundaries,  more flexibility, increased consciousness, and an improved ability to make good decisions for yourself.

Therapy is not only for problem-solving; it can also serve to help you grow and mature.  It even has, sometimes, an effect of improving physical health.                                                                  

Does therapy sound effortful?  Well, yes, it is.  To get the most out of it, you have to put something into it.  But, on the other hand, in an on-going therapy relationship, there is always room for just using a session here and there, for some nurturing and understanding.  If you have been sincere and genuinely sharing with your therapist, the therapist will be able to offer you attentive listening and real compassion.  Now there's a rare and treasured life experience.

Please share your reactions and comments.

Your Self-Editor

Here's another way you can improve your relations with others.

The Dalai Lama is repeatedly exhorting us to be kind to each other.  Why does he have to say this over and over?  It seems like if we don't self-edit, any of us can be suddenly sorry about what was just said.
Personally I don't do that on purpose.  But, sometimes some unfortunate remark escapes from me and when I see it land, I am full of instant regret.  Yes, we all slip.  Why does that happen?  It's just the frustrations, or fatigue, or disappointment that we have absorbed, being released.

The problem is, it sometimes gets released on a person; they are innocent and suddenly they feel the sting.  If it happens, all is not lost.  You can apologize.  You can attempt to make it up to the victim.  But, oh, wouldn't it be better if it didn't happen in the first place?  Ms. Flake has a helpful post toward that end:

Cheri Augustine Flake

"...I just wanted to share the wise words that I learned from one of my mentors that I like to teach to my clients. Try to consider the following before speaking (or, I guess, writing)...to anyone...about anything:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

The answer to all three does not need to be 'yes' in order to express yourself, but just to have considered the questions before acting.

Mostly, I guess the lesson is, yes, think before you speak. But also, know that you don't have to say everything that you think.

Could you leave a conference knowing full well that you are "more" of an expert than the presenter without anyone else knowing it?

Or, could you listen to someone's account of their exciting trip to India and all of its glory without mentioning that you've been there 3 times before?

My husband is one of the smartest people I've ever met as well as the most humble. His closest friends don't know that he was Valedictorian of his class, or about his scholarships, degrees or honors. Even when people are speaking about topics of which I know he is an expert, he seems the most quiet.

I try model this behavior because I admire it. I mean, do people have to know all that I know???

No.

Just my humble take on things...

Have a lovely week, y'all!"

-Cheri

Cheri Augustine Flake, LCSW
It would be interesting to hear your own stories related to this post.  (Comment)

Balancing Act

Keeping your life and your Self in balance takes attention

Keeping  your life in balance means not working too much, not playing too hard, not letting your 'me-time' turn into isolation, not using your physical self so much (in sports or a labor job) that you induce damage to your body, or distracting yourself with entertainment (partying, gaming) in such large doses that your mind turns to mush.  Most of us need or at least could use all of these things but, and this is key, in moderation.

One of the ways to plant the seeds of compulsion and, even, addiction is doing too much for too long, of one thing.  In a previous post, I wrote about how behaviors and substances are sometimes used to escape/avoid, to numb the emotions, or to achieve a false high---leading to dependence.
Most people can not only do all of the above things but, will find them much more delicious and gratifying in small doses  The first bite of a choice cupcake or candybar is divine but as you continue eating, it's almost as if your taste buds become dulled and 3/4 of the way through, that delicious cupcake just isn't as exciting anymore.  Drug addicts sometimes describe the compulsive search for the massive high of the very 1st dose, never again to be experienced.

A beautiful, unusual bouquet of flowers can have a luscious fragrance and be beautiful visually unless you work in a florist shop.  Too much of a good thing overloads our senses and removes the charge.

A lot of people don't like to hear this, the oft offered advice:  All things in moderation.  Some people hear this as a restriction-they want to be able to generate extremes-but actually as referred to in the post So You Want to be Free, you actually preserve your freedom of choice if you don't overindulge.

Today is my birthday.  I decided to begin a new tradition:  A Birthday Resolution.  My resolution is to try to move towards an even amount of work and play in my own life.  I've worked very hard all my life and I have accumulated an array of responsibilities, so, for me, this will be a challenge.  But it will be an effort toward balance.  It reminds me of people who invest in the stock market; periodically, and on a regular basis, they have to "re-balance their portfolio".  They have an investment strategy that they've committed to and they have to re-balance from time to time to keep the portfolio in line with their goal.

Excess isn't healthy.  Overindulgence is what the word says it is---too much.

We notice this imbalance when we see a person who is prone to emotional extremes.  "Experiencing emotions is, of course, a normal part of life, but extremes can induce imbalance and illness..."  Dr, Maoshing Ni.    Impulsive actions can also lead to repercussions.  "When you are visited by emotional extremes, use deep breathing and rest to restore your metabolic equilibrium."  Dr. M. Ni

The old adage:  Think before you speak can come in handy.  (Save yourself from saying something you might regret but can't take back.)  Giving yourself a little time before you respond to another, and before you take action can yield a superior plan.  That's what I find.

Paula's Five Communication Steps

The basic process requires these 5 steps

1.  Identify what it is that you want to say to the other person.

This is not as easy as it sounds.  It often requires introspection (see the earlier post, Seeing Your Self).  The test of whether or not you really have it is this:  If your statement is about what the other person is doing wrong, you haven't got it.
If you make a blaming or accusatory statement, all you will accomplish it to provoke the other person's defenses.  It needs must be about you and come from your true inner self.

2.  Say it.

What can become a real problem for some people is that they bottle things up.  Do we have to overlook some things in our relationships?  Yes.  Of course.  No friend, lover, relative, or co-worker is going to be perfect or perfectly suited to you.  You have to let some things go by in favor of staying on good terms.  But if you determine that something must be said, that it is not going away (for you), then it is a good idea to make a habit of speaking.  Don't go silent.

3.  The other person has to listen.
So, if you are the initiator, try to get them at an optimal time and place.  If you are the receiver, listen; don't interrupt, don't turn away, don't argue, really listen.  If you care about the relationship, hear them out. 

4.  Follow up.

If the issue requires a change on either person's part, make the change or changes.  Do your best.  Not some temporary effort, thinking you'll just do it until this blows over, not some partial effort that isn't sincere; really make the change if you've agreed to do that.

5.  Notice.

If you are the initiator and the other person is attempting to change their behavior, notice it and give them credit.  Remember adults (generally) change slowly and with difficulty (see the earlier post, Unfinished Business).  The change you see may not be as you envisioned or it may be incomplete or seemingly inadequate.  But you must acknowledge that the other person cares enough to try, to try something that isn't easy and takes conscious effort---for the sake of the relationship you two have.

Communication is complicated and full of nuances.  Remember that something that you may say or do can have an effect on someone else that you didn't intend.  If you are often off-handed in your communication style, start noticing how your remarks land.  It could be enlightening.

Please respond with your own comment