Friends and Lovers

Joy in relationships

"One of the deepest pleasures is being truly seen, and loved anyway. 

And being seen in a false way---what could be lonelier?"

Author unknown

We all have  a  persona, (a Jungian term for how we present ourselves to the world).  We need this.  We can't go around exposed all the time to anyone and everyone. 

But with some people, those who are in your inner circle, http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/geography-of-your-friendships.html , it is worth revealing your real self.  Why?  Because this opens the door to emotional intimacy.  This is an experience in life that is both exciting and peaceful at the same time.  It contains the feeling of true acceptance by the other as well as deep empathy on your own part.  

Actions such as those below, offered to a loved one, can put us on this path:  

• authenticity
• transparency
• sincerity
• openness
• respect
• warmth
• prizing
• concern 
• liking
• understanding  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Both intensity and great comfort can be found in an emotionally intimate relationship.  The moment of emotional intimacy can be just that, a moment, or it can be a long exchange or, it can happen even in a time of no words, a time of only being in each other's presence.  It can be fun, funny or profoundly serious.                 

If you want to grow in this way, that is, in how close you are in your primary relationship or how deep your friendships are, you can begin considering taking off your mask with certain people.  Take note---we must be selective about whom we share with in this way.  Try to choose the people you open up to, carefully.  You want to share your inner self with others who will honor that, who will see it as a privilege, and who will also be honest with you. 

Have you felt either of these---popular for a false self or, conversely, loved for your true inner self?   I invite you to share your experience in the comment section.

Defensiveness

A tip about dealing with it and an introduction to a new series

The other day, I told my doctor about my acupuncturist and brought him some written materials she has about her work.  Here was his initial response: "She isn't an MD.  To be frank, she just doesn't have the training.  I only work with MDs."  

I said nothing in response to this but just waited as he read over the materials.  Then he said:  "Can I keep these?"  Sometimes a person will have an initially defensive response to any sort of communication.  Some even do this as a habit.  The tip is that when this happens, just wait.  I think that people who do this are trying to give themselves time to make a choice.  They are protecting their sphere of influence so that they can decide if they want to be influenced.  If, when you get this resistance, you immediately jump in and try to persuade the person who is in the self-protective mode, you are going to engender an even more defensive reaction.

In therapy, the therapist often tries to help the patient to lower their defenses in the session.  This is to allow for opening up.  Eventually, some patients begin to cooperate with this effort themselves, noticing when they have a defensive reaction and trying to deactivate it or, at least, saying out loud that they feel defensive.  The therapy can then proceed to examine why the topic caused this guardedness or the need to feel protected.

Defense mechanisms is a clinical term and concept; therapists use a defensive functioning scale and identify defense levels in a patient they are working with.  But, speaking for myself here, I don't consider them to be an all bad thing.  Actually, defenses are mostly what is commonly referred to as coping mechanisms.  They are useful and necessary.  In fact, if a client does achieve a deep opening in a session, I will consider it important to help them resurrect their defenses before they leave the office.  I don't want people leaving a therapy session raw and exposed, if possible. 

 Lowering of defenses is for certain situations:  The therapy office, an intimate relationship, and introspection.  

Sometimes therapists have to also consider the larger effect:  The therapy process, overall, tends to help people develop more self-acceptance, more self-knowledge, and therefore, more openness in general.  So, a therapist might consider that if the therapy is removing or modifying one defense, there may be some method of dealing with difficulties with others or with oneself, that should be put in place of it.  

 At the same time, I like to teach people that some of the darkest parts of life can be faced with consciousness and without devastation.  

Some people do come to therapy hoping to be able to enjoy a change in their life without opening up, without self revelation and without having to go through much of a process of learning to trust the therapist.  This approach will impede any real insight or true internal shifts.  It will still allow for problem solving, venting, and a lightweight therapeutic effect, however.  So this is a more guarded, defensive posture which will preclude profound change but can still be one way to use the therapy resource.  Related post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2012/06/attachment-and-transformation-in.html
Here is a post, written earlier that talks about defenses in a different way: http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/04/self-esteem.html

"Defense mechanisms (or coping styles) are automatic psychological processes that protect the individual against anxiety and from awareness of internal or external dangers or stressors.  Individuals are often unaware of these processes as they operate.  Defense mechanisms mediate the individual's reaction to emotional conflicts and to...stressors".  American Psychiatric Association

My intention is to write more about specific defense mechanisms.  Are you interested in this topic?

Communication

Some people call it "dumping"

 Two of the worst things one can do to another in a conversation is interrupt and not listen.  This last one can happen anywhere but, in fact, happens a lot on the phone.  Sometimes, one of the people is doing something else while having the conversation.  Don't fool yourself, the other can sense that distraction even though they can't see you.  People sometimes think that they can sort of half listen, or listen superficially, or multi-task or just listen to key words and get the gist of what the other is saying.  It doesn't work.  It can't be done.  The result is, either the communication is completed with misunderstanding or pretend understanding or, it takes more time due to one having to correct the other, i.e., "No, I said, Ms Smith not Ms Jones." 
Time (not enough of it) is often the reason for this attempt to have a conversation, an exchange of information or a visit without really paying full attention.  It's a kind of energy conservation or, attempt at that.  It's an effort to be efficient.  Often it turns out to be less efficient than if both had actually paid attention in the first place since things have to be repeated.

Interrupting is another matter, and, very annoying.  If you really want to make a point and you get cut off, you will have to wait, hold your focus, respond to the deviation and then, bring the thread of the conversation back to where you were going so that you can make your point.  
Why do people interrupt?  The not wanting to really listen, as discussed above, is one reason.  Being impatient is another.  Often it has to do with being, not in an exchange, but doing a diatribe.  In other words, the person who interrupts is only listening to the other enough to be reminded of something or to use the other's offering as a jumping off point for another idea of their own that they want to express.  They are not truly engaged in an exchange. What they want to do is discharge, rant, or lecture.  That is a one-sided type of communication.

A real conversation is mostly made up of listening and responding, on both parts.

In some cases the reason for not listening is deeper than just feeling rushed.  It may be defensive; possibly the person is trying to to avoid hearing difficult information, maybe they don't want to be influenced, or there may be another personal reason.  As the reader who wants to learn about yourself, this is where it gets interesting.  Do you ever notice yourself pretending to listen or politely faking it or doing the interrupting thing?  You can self-reflect on this:  Ask yourself why.
As for those who fake listen to you, you already know that it is tiring.  A good conversation should leave you feeling fine, not weary, not annoyed, not vaguely discontent.

~Rather than enervate you, a good conversation should invigorate you.  You should leave feeling intact (boundaries not violated).  Neutral is okay but if you leave feeling enhanced, that's a conversation wherein both people were real (open, honest, congruent); that is the stuff of emotional intimacy.  You should not leave feeling depleted and if you suspect you are leaving others a little worse for the wear, it might be enlightening to put some attention on why.~ 

(What kind of conversation do you think the people in the picture are having?)

Have you had experiences like those described in this post?

A suggested post if you wish to think further on this topic: 

 http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/08/paulas-five-communication-steps.html

and there are also 10 more, enlightening posts on this subject of communication. 

False Pride Can Lead to Loss

Relationships lost over the need to be right

 Today I was in a cafe having a cup of tea.  Right behind me was a table where a couple were having an argument, an argument that went on for a long time.  I was trying not to hear it but still, the jist of it came through.  It was about being right.
It was arguing to prevail, to be the best at the debate.
Of course, there are no winners here.

I used to know someone who thought it was more important to establish the facts (that is, the facts as he saw them), in a disagreement with his wife than to leave her happy.  I am talking about mostly mundane arguments here such as how salty the soup is.

There are some people who find it very important to be right.  They want others to recognize that they are right.  They know the most.  They are sometimes also the people who say, "I told you so."  They want to triumph.

In the course of pursuing that victory, they lose something.  Conquering others does not engender closeness.  The victor walks off, head held high but, alone.

The man I mentioned above, who was so frequently correcting his wife and dominating in their disagreements, had an impoverished marriage.  In fact, although he was really a sweet and good person, because of this one penchant for arguing for the so-called facts, he was a pretty lonely guy.

Sadly, he never figured it out.

Do you know someone who fights for the prize of being the one who is right?  Do you have this habit?  In my view, most of the time, in personal relationships, it doesn't matter; being right contributes to a sense of self-importance but it isn't important who is right. 

That isn't what personal relationships are about. It seems to me that it is much more valuable to the nourishment of the relationship to accept the other's different perspective.
I believe it is usually more fruitful to truly consider the propositions put out by your mate or friend.  So, why do I say it's better?

Because this attitude buys you so much:
Engagement (a non-conversation stopper)
New ideas
Learning about another person
Closeness (your partner feels heard)
The absence of putting down someone you care about
You both got to enjoy an exchange
You can both leave the encounter happy
You are less likely to incur resentment
You might get to be listened to yourself, without having to impose yourself on the other

"That is the happiest conversation where there is no competition, no vanity, but a calm, quiet interchange of sentiments."  Samuel Johnson
 Here's another true situation I know about.  Two brothers got in a fight during the time their elderly mother was needing assistance; she couldn't care for herself anymore and they had to help.   They were stressed-partly because, in this case, her decline happened suddenly and they hadn't expected it.  They weren't prepared.  The interruption and demands suddenly landing in the middle of their busy lives made them mad and they took it out on each other.  Yelling and aggressive language happened, hanging up the phone on each other happened.  One of them was a person who always had to argue until he could establish that he was right (this usually includes not being able to or inclined to apologize and that was the case here).  This time, although they had mended fences before, they were unable to and lost the relationship with each other, permanently.  Their children lost the benefit of their aunt and uncle and cousins.  A rift with far-reaching consequences had occurred which, while there were surrounding circumstances (the high stress both were feeling), it was the driving need to be right that closed all options, in the end.

"I'd far rather be happy than right any day."  Douglas Adams

A related post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2010/10/design-by-default.html

 What advantages have you found to giving up having to be right?

And, Also

An Addition to a Previous Post

May 16, 2012

RESPECT FOR WHAT WE SEE

Honesty without kindness, humor, and goodheartedness can be just mean. From the very beginning to the very end, pointing to our own hearts to discover what is true isn’t just a matter of honesty but also of compassion and respect for what we see.  Pema Chodron

The post I'm referencing is called Your Self-Editor

http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/11/your-self-editor.html

Vulnerability

An inspiring video

  If you have 20 minutes, this is an encouraging video to watch.  Like many talks and books, it gets better as it goes.  Get past the 1st 2 minutes and then she, the speaker, starts rolling.  By the time you get to the end, you'll get to the good stuff.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I think that if you watch this, you'll find that it fits with my message here at the blog.

Let me know.  Did you like it?

Love On The Shelf

Don't leave your most important relationship to languish

 A new couple came to see me to consider beginning marriage counseling.
They've been married a long time, have grown children and some little grandchildren.
They've known each other since they were kids.
They are middle-aged now, still working at their careers and actively engaged with their family life.  So, what's the problem?
Their marriage is withering on the vine.  Why?  It's been left unattended for most of their married life.

They say they did try counseling once before some years back but it sounded as if their participation was half-hearted.  Apparently the counselor made some suggestions, they tried them for awhile, then just drifted back to their old ways.

Since her mothering role is no longer needed, she has developed a hobby; she goes walking w/"the girls".  As the group got into better condition, they started to  go on hiking trips several times a year.  She is very fit, has close friendships with some of the women in the group, and is devoted to this activity.  Meanwhile, he is the kind of guy who likes to putter.  He spends time in his garage, tinkering.  He's handy, so he likes to tune up the garden and house on the weekends.  He also keeps up a bit of an exercise program but it is more for health purposes rather than as a hobby.  Neither one of them is much interested in what the other is doing and she wishes he would get out more like she does.  He wants her to be more like him, a homebody.
In their presentation to me, both acknowledge there's a problem in the marriage and that they've "grown apart". 
But, their solutions are the same:  They each want the other to change.  They each like their own activities and the way they conduct their own individual life and don't volunteer to make any changes themselves.                                                              Artist:  Elizabeth Frank

These people have part of it right; you do need to be an independent person with a developed identity of your own before you can be emotionally intimate with another.  But, what is missing is the attention to the relationship itself.  There is nothing shared, no mutual interest other than the extended family events; they never make plans to do fun things together.  They share no pleasures.  They each obtain their primary gratification in life from independent interests.  When they talk to each other, there is no listening going on and there is anger in evidence as well as defeat.
In addition, they each see the other as wrong and in need of correction but are doing no self-evaluation.  (This is the key)

Remember the post, You Can Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar?  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/05/you-can-catch-more-flies-with-honey.html
It almost seems as if they could save some money and just follow the suggestions in that post, doesn't it.  Well, that would improve their happiness but, of course, their problem is more complicated than that so they do need a therapist---to see beneath the surface and to decipher the interpersonal dynamics.  So, hopefully, they will make the commitment to work on their relationship in therapy.

~However, their case as I've outlined it above, does illustrate the point, that relationships need nurturing.  Too many of us think that we can busy ourselves with all of the many responsibilities and interesting activities of life while our relationship will take care of itself.  No, not really.  Marriage is not the solution, marriage is the beginning.  Marriage means you have something in your life that is central and that you need to attend to, on-going.  It needs to be given your energy, your time, and your thought.~

What kind of relationship do you want would be a good question to begin with:  Do you want comfort?  Is a romantic relationship what you wish for?  Friendship---maybe you want a life-partner-buddy.  Do you want to plan adventures together or do you want to develop a beautiful home life?  Do you want a close confidante or more of a business-of-life partner?  Whatever you want, communicate about it with your mate.  See if you can come up with a shared vision.  And then, put some effort into manifesting that vision.  Wishing you good fortune in that endeavor!

If you are interested in reading more about relationships, click on that label which is on the landing page.  There is also a label that lists all posts that talk about communication.
Your comments are welcome.

Even More, On Empathy

Empathy is the one gift we all have to give

 For sometime now, I have been noticing an absence of empathy in the couples I see for counseling, in my practice.  I also see it in  some individual sessions, when the patient is reporting on some other person in their life or, on an interaction.  It is a relatively new phenomenon to notice.  I attribute this to three things:

• It's a sign of the times
• I reached a level of experience as a therapist where I was able to discern this
• It's not being taught to people as they grow up

 I realize that the large swath of Americans who would identify as belonging to the middle-class are really struggling right now.  I think that this could be a big part of the reason for the withholding of empathy ; people are saving their energy for catastrophe. 
I have been through a foreclosure on his home with one of my patients---after a successful family life and a career, his kids fortunately were grown when this happened,young adults---he lost his job.  Next was the painful process of losing his house.  Now, in his early 50's, he is living with his elderly parents, in their house.  

I have another person in my practice who is trying to find a job as her husband's health is failing and tells me that she cannot even get her resume looked at by potential employers because they are so flooded with applicants.  

So as people see this all around them, they are on alert, trying to protect what they have, feeling like the rug may be pulled out from under them at any time.

When their partner expresses distress of any kind, they don't want to hear it.  They want their partner to just be okay ("Please, don't add another burden to my shoulders."). 

 Sometimes, if the worry is a shared one, they don't want their own, barely-under-wraps anxiety to emerge, so they don't want their spouse to talk to them about those anxieties.  If the partner's trouble is individual, they just can't tolerate listening to much about it as they begin to feel overwhelmed very quickly.

Also, parents are feeling pressed and sometimes alarmed by the changes in the world economy and can barely do the minimum for their children, much less even think to teach them about empathy.  (this is something that was taught to children when I was growing up)

Of course, this is one of those things that can be reversed into a positive feedback loop.
I f you think how disappointed you feel when you go to your mate for comfort and get the cold shoulder,                                                                                   

 

 you will not want to do that yourself.  We all need sanctuaries and sometimes our mate can provide that, emotionally.

I think that when I see couples  complaining about their partners feelings, moods, worries, that they are telling us that they, themselves, are very stressed.  However, we can't all, always mend our own wounds.  Sometime we need help and sometimes we need to assist others.  Human beings are 'social animals'.  We do not thrive in isolation.

Empathy is different from sympathy.  It means, as the saying goes, walking a mile in someone else's shoes.  ("You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, 'till you climb into his skin and walk around in him awhile."  from To Kill A Mockingbird)  Think how relieving it is when somebody 'gets' you.  Or, even, if they don't exactly get it right, they at least, try.  Think how lonely it is to believe that you always have to solve all of your own problems by yourself.  Maybe spending a few minutes thinking about this will inspire you to offer some empathy when the opportunity next presents itself.

You can make the world a better place.

Last post on this topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/10/more-on-empathy.html

An Inconvenient Convenience

The I-Thou

 The truth hurts.  Or does it?  Maybe it might, in the short run. In the long run, usually not.  Exceptions?  Yes.  The exceptions are that we don't need to volunteer every little thought we have, to our partner, just because it is true.  The obvious example is, for most couples---the passing attraction to a stranger on the street does not need to be shared.  This is unnecessary.
For some, unnecessary hurt.  For others, just a little pinch.  But why?  No need to do that.  No, we're not talking about that here.

The point here is that lying, in large part, diminishes closeness.  It is such a habit for some people that they may never think of this:  That to steal a free-ride in the moment, they have robbed themselves of empowering their relationship in the long run.

The blessing of being truly known, really seen, by another, depends in large part, on honesty.  By the same token, for you to get close to that other person, you have to know them.
In fact, the more deeply honest we are with each other, the more potential there is for real intimacy, emotional intimacy.  (BTW, that makes sex better too).  But, even in relationships other than your primary relationship, presenting your self simply and honestly enhances your chances of closer friendship with that person.

If you are fortunate enough to be the recipient of a piece of honest, open communication from another, do this:  Listen.

Take it in.  Consider what you are hearing.  Try to understand it.  Refrain from advice-giving and judgement-making.  Just realize that another person has honored you with their truth and now you know them better.  It's a gift, isn't it?

You can comment below---

Your Self-Editor

Here's another way you can improve your relations with others.

The Dalai Lama is repeatedly exhorting us to be kind to each other.  Why does he have to say this over and over?  It seems like if we don't self-edit, any of us can be suddenly sorry about what was just said.
Personally I don't do that on purpose.  But, sometimes some unfortunate remark escapes from me and when I see it land, I am full of instant regret.  Yes, we all slip.  Why does that happen?  It's just the frustrations, or fatigue, or disappointment that we have absorbed, being released.

The problem is, it sometimes gets released on a person; they are innocent and suddenly they feel the sting.  If it happens, all is not lost.  You can apologize.  You can attempt to make it up to the victim.  But, oh, wouldn't it be better if it didn't happen in the first place?  Ms. Flake has a helpful post toward that end:

Cheri Augustine Flake

"...I just wanted to share the wise words that I learned from one of my mentors that I like to teach to my clients. Try to consider the following before speaking (or, I guess, writing)...to anyone...about anything:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

The answer to all three does not need to be 'yes' in order to express yourself, but just to have considered the questions before acting.

Mostly, I guess the lesson is, yes, think before you speak. But also, know that you don't have to say everything that you think.

Could you leave a conference knowing full well that you are "more" of an expert than the presenter without anyone else knowing it?

Or, could you listen to someone's account of their exciting trip to India and all of its glory without mentioning that you've been there 3 times before?

My husband is one of the smartest people I've ever met as well as the most humble. His closest friends don't know that he was Valedictorian of his class, or about his scholarships, degrees or honors. Even when people are speaking about topics of which I know he is an expert, he seems the most quiet.

I try model this behavior because I admire it. I mean, do people have to know all that I know???

No.

Just my humble take on things...

Have a lovely week, y'all!"

-Cheri

Cheri Augustine Flake, LCSW
It would be interesting to hear your own stories related to this post.  (Comment)

The 10-Minute Relationship Miracle

Learning to listen well is one of the most loving and most useful skills we can develop

 Listening, the art of listening, empathy, the importance of listening is something I have written about in a number of posts.  Here, a colleague, Vivian Baruch, has described a technique that any two people can use and develop.  It's one of the things that a therapist might typically suggest for certain couples who come for counseling.  It is, of course, helpful to have a therapist to coach you in using this and to help with the snafus that might come up, particularly at first.  But, it is laid out clearly enough here that if you follow the instructions, it could work as excellent self-help.  Try it! http://www.vivianbaruch.com/2011/05/07/10-minute-relationship-miracle/#com

Paula's Five Communication Steps

The basic process requires these 5 steps

1.  Identify what it is that you want to say to the other person.

This is not as easy as it sounds.  It often requires introspection (see the earlier post, Seeing Your Self).  The test of whether or not you really have it is this:  If your statement is about what the other person is doing wrong, you haven't got it.
If you make a blaming or accusatory statement, all you will accomplish it to provoke the other person's defenses.  It needs must be about you and come from your true inner self.

2.  Say it.

What can become a real problem for some people is that they bottle things up.  Do we have to overlook some things in our relationships?  Yes.  Of course.  No friend, lover, relative, or co-worker is going to be perfect or perfectly suited to you.  You have to let some things go by in favor of staying on good terms.  But if you determine that something must be said, that it is not going away (for you), then it is a good idea to make a habit of speaking.  Don't go silent.

3.  The other person has to listen.
So, if you are the initiator, try to get them at an optimal time and place.  If you are the receiver, listen; don't interrupt, don't turn away, don't argue, really listen.  If you care about the relationship, hear them out. 

4.  Follow up.

If the issue requires a change on either person's part, make the change or changes.  Do your best.  Not some temporary effort, thinking you'll just do it until this blows over, not some partial effort that isn't sincere; really make the change if you've agreed to do that.

5.  Notice.

If you are the initiator and the other person is attempting to change their behavior, notice it and give them credit.  Remember adults (generally) change slowly and with difficulty (see the earlier post, Unfinished Business).  The change you see may not be as you envisioned or it may be incomplete or seemingly inadequate.  But you must acknowledge that the other person cares enough to try, to try something that isn't easy and takes conscious effort---for the sake of the relationship you two have.

Communication is complicated and full of nuances.  Remember that something that you may say or do can have an effect on someone else that you didn't intend.  If you are often off-handed in your communication style, start noticing how your remarks land.  It could be enlightening.

Please respond with your own comment

You Can Catch More Flies with Honey Than with Vinegar

                                      How To Be Happier In Your Relationship

 Improving your relationship with your partner is something you can do, yourself, by practicing some new, good, relationship-building habits.  And, as a bonus, these also work on your other relationships. 
Paying attention is really important---not taking that other person for granted.  We all do it, but!---it isn't good!!!  After all, you don't want to be taken for granted, do you?  So, the best thing you can do about avoiding that unhappy experience is to not do it to others, yourself.
So, what do I mean by paying attention?  I mean greeting that person at day's end if you live in the same building, noticing what state of mind they seem to be in, really listening if they tell you about a difficulty they encountered that day and being the world's best cheerleader if they have something good to share.  Be sure to celebrate when you have a good thing that happens in your life together or even just make a big deal about holidays together. ~ Have happy rituals.~
Try to move away from the blaming tendency.  This I see quite often in my office in couples who come in for marriage counseling/couple's counseling.  I call it the Blame Frame.  It is not productive.  What is far better is to take responsibility for yourself.  "Accept responsibility for your choices."  Fred Luskin.  If you have been wounded in your childhood and in other past relationships, it is up to you to not let that infringe on your current relationship(s).  It is really a lot to ask of your partner that they avoid doing or saying some things because they may trigger a bad memory of yours.
~Taking responsibility means doing something to heal your own wounds.  I know it sounds like a lot to ask---all this responsibility-taking.  But, if we are honest, we must recognize that all relationships require effort and many are difficult.  So, allowing unfinished business to get  in the mix is an unnecessary added burden.  Problems are normal and will be there to deal with even without the interference of your personal history.  Pertinent post:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2013/03/then-and-now.html

Also, make it a habit to appreciate your partner rather than to focus on their character flaws (which we all have).  Feel whatever affection you truly have for this person and find things to admire.  Try not to criticize the other person and especially not to demean nor devalue them.  These things are so damaging to the relationship whereas the first actions develop and strengthen the relationship.
It just makes sense to emphasize the positive and try to have it overbalance the negative.  Of course, it may seem obvious to you, as you are reading this.  And yet, how many of us really try consistently to do this? 
Happy couples do these things:

`Pay attention to their partner when it is asked for

`Try to stay calm during a disagreement

`In a fight, talk about their own needs /wishes and not their perceived deficiencies of their partner

`Assess themselves instead and try to change themselves for the better

`Make the relationship and emotional intimacy with their loved one a priority

`Maintain their positive view of their partner

"At any point in time, a relationship is either improving or declining.  Relationships are not static."    Tom Clark, LCSW

(Some of the above concepts were a part of a presentation by C. Carter and F. Luskin at the workshop, The Science of a Great Relationship)

Did you try any of these suggestions?  Would love to hear your comments.

Speak When Spoken To and When You Choose

Two versions of the wondrous human helping relationship.

 One of the hallmarks of being human---our ability to speak.  It is one of the first things we begin teaching our babies.  And how delighted we are by their first attempts.  Some have been known to spend massive efforts teaching gray parrots to speak.  We wish sometimes we could know what our pets, and other animals would say to us, if they only could.  Speaking, having language, is one of the characteristics that distinguishes us from other living creatures.  It was such a treasure to be able to express oneself, our American forefathers even put it in the constitution; all Americans are adamant about our right to "freedom of speech".

There are two films which explore the other side of this picture---what happens to a person who cannot speak:  One is a film that was taken from a book (which I have read but have only seen a few clips from the film).  It is called The Diving Bell and The Butterfly.  This is the story of a man suddenly struck down by a cerebrovascular accident.  I once had a patient who had suffered this unusual, devastating physical event.  But, in his case, he was still able to speak, albeit, with difficulty.  In the story of the 42 year old, editor-in-chief of Elle magazine, a man in the midst of an exciting, glamorous world of fashion models and media events, enjoying a position of power and status,  wakes up not able to move and unable to speak.

                           
In the movie, we are taken along with him in his experience of the slowly dawning realization that he is only thinking, no longer talking, and that no one else can hear him.  He has no means of communication; he feels as if he in in a diving bell, under the sea, able to breathe but, otherwise isolated, cut off from the rest of the world.  This condition is sometimes called, Locked-In Syndrome.



The other film is current.  In the movie theatres now, The King's Speech is about, again, a man in a powerful position---in this case where he acutely feels the demands placed upon him---the expectations vested in a person who is to reign over a nation.  He is beset with a speech impediment which makes it virtually impossible for him to speak, in many situations.  His father, the king whose shoes he must one day fill, has needs and expectations of him that have specifically to do with speaking, as do the multitudes of citizens of his country.  His time in history is one of sweeping change and great fear---his leadership, specifically in the interpretation of political events, was desperately needed.  But, he could not speak; he lived in personal crisis.


Here we have two true stories of great poignancy primarily about the inability to express oneself.  How often do we think of being able to talk as such a grand gift?  When you see the portrayal of one robbed of that ability, you may begin to think of it that way.  In the first story, we share the shock of the victim as he recognizes his predicament and in the second, we share the pain and immense frustration of an individual caught in constant conflict.

In both cases, there is a rescue; there is a savior, a person of such compassion that they each determine to overcome the immense obstacles and find a way to help.  Reyna Cowan, LCSW, a psychoanalyst and child therapist says that in performing psychotherapy we "...enter the world of the patient, have it wash over us..." and try to express it back in some meaningful way.
 In both of these cases, the helping person was not a psychotherapist by profession but they could not be better examples of how to be therapeutic.  How does a speech therapist find such determination in herself to devise a way for someone to communicate who has no ability to move save, breathe and open and close one eyelid?  How does a self-anointed "speech specialist" find the courage to stand up to a king in order to be able to help him?

I found the portrayal of this relationship in The King's Speech to be beautifully depicted and  very moving, in the delineation of the development of that relationship.  There are stops and starts, to be sure.  This happens even in relationships with the best intentions, including therapy relationships.  But the wish on the part of the helper to facilitate recovery for his patient was powerful.  If you see this film, watch for how the speech specialist has to protect his own dignity while still conveying the deference due a king---it is touching and remarkable.

When you are in a relationship or, even just a single interaction, wherein you are attempting to help, remember this model; you have to keep both people in mind, be respectful of both, help without losing yourself nor tarnishing the pride of the one being helped.

I'm really hoping you'll comment on the posts about communication!

I Know You Believe You Understand What You Think I Said, But Did You Really Understand What I Meant?

                                           The Art of Listening

This week I had two experiences of being completely unheard.  These are not pleasant experiences.  In these cases, both instances were not in close, much less, intimate, relationships---they were business dealings, frustrating, disturbing but not painful like this can be in a personal relationship.

In one situation, the misunderstanding took place in what one might expect to be a completely benign, routine setting, the post office.  However, human beings have to interact there and so the possibility of a difficult interpersonal exchange exists.  I wanted to send a letter very quickly and have it delivered to a specific person at a business, so I was sending it by "express mail".  When I got to the counter, the clerk asked what qualities I was looking for in using a special type of mailing.  So I wanted those two things, plus the insurance, tracking and signature that express mail affords.  As I answered him,  he had trouble understanding me.  He began to argue with me and when I tried to clarify, he continued arguing, trying actually to bully me by saying things like, "I know what I am talking about, I've been doing this for 20 years!!"  (Meanwhile the line was building up behind me and so I turned and said, "Sorry" to the people who were  waiting and witnessing this now, heated argument.)  The clerk threw up his hands and said he would call in the supervisor.  So he did. She came; I explained what I understood "express mail" to provide, she (listened) and said, "That's right."  And we were finished in about 30 seconds...!

What happened there is that he did not understand the way I was explaining how I thought express mail worked.  Since he couldn't understand, he became frustrated and tried to overwhelm me.  Meanwhile, I was persistent in repeatedly trying to help him to understand.  He is familiar with me as a customer, calls me by my first name, knows me to be a reasonable person.  So, I think it was confusing to him to be in this kind of encounter with me, thus he resorted to bullying tactics.  This, of course, was ineffective since I had read the instructions and knew that I understood how that type of mailing worked. 

If he had remained calm (he lost his patience), I would have continued trying to explain to him, would have tried different approaches, to explain in a way that he could understand and, perhaps, this upsetting encounter could have been avoided.  He did not want to listen, however, and that is what set this off.

In the 1970's, Carl Rogers became quite well-known in psychology for his identification and description of "active listening".  He, himself, became so adept at this technique that he used it and it alone in therapy treatment of his patients.  I saw him working in a therapy session that was filmed and I witnessed his amazing ability to assist a person to move toward a healthier psychological position simply by listening to that person very, very well. It was remarkable to witness.

Should you ever have an opportunity to view Rogers at work, take it!  It is like watching a miracle to see one person heal themselves due, simply to, the true and benevolent presence of another.
So, here we have the two ends of the spectrum regarding the practice of listening.  My unfortunate event at the post office demonstrates how not listening can lead to an unnecessary fight.  At the other end of the spectrum, we see that active listening can lead to healing and personal evolution.

That's quite a wide spectrum.  There's a lot that can be tried in between those two extremes.
None of us will be perfect.  But we can aspire toward better listening.  It is a gift to offer to the people in your life.  One of the reasons, I think, that it is sometimes difficult to get a client moving to leave the therapy office, at the end of a session, is that it feels so good to be listened to-such a rare experience.  Most people are absolutely hungry to be heard.


The method for active listening is laid out in Roger's writings.  It is a useful technique to learn.

Design By Default

     A habit, becomes a pattern, becomes your life design

 When two or three events, in one day, seem to say the same thing, it is almost as if there is a message in your day.
Yesterday I saw a couple who had been together for 25 years, never married but, living as a married couple and as a family.  They had originally come together in their twenties as girlfriend and boyfriend and accidentally made a pregnancy.  So, they each suddenly found themselves in a family without really knowing each other, much less being in any way prepared for the responsibilities of marriage, home, and family.  They, like many people, found themselves in a situation,- an intimate, demanding, consequential situation- without ever having made a decision to be in it.  They had no courtship to speak of, no ritual to mark the beginning of their life together, and no time to work out the kinks in their couples union before suddenly having to deal with parenthood.

The result?  Twenty-five years later:  Two very unhappy people, with one grown son whom they both loved, and who were quite stressed in each other's presence.  The woman had un-fulfilled dreams of higher education which somehow had never happened.  The man had a vague sense of missing out on himself, on the fun of life and harbored a  resentment for what seemed an undue life of burden.
So, they had their challenges but the real cause of their unhappiness was destructive patterns.  Granted life and their unconscious choices propelled them forward at a fast pace in their youth.  However, they never, in all those 25 years stopped the action long enough to think:   Is there a way we can do this differently?  Can I shift my attitude in some way that might contribute to more positive problem-solving for us?  Why are we arguing over the same issues again and again and, how can we change that?

Now, with their youth behind them and their relationship in tatters, they are in my office seeing the destructive patterns they have developed over the years.  One of their habits is to argue to win.  This, of course, is about as far from listening to your partner as you can get.  A communication mode that I observed in both of them was waiting for the other to finish, or even take a breath, only so that person could jump in to make their own point.  There is certainly no "I" and "thou" in this type of exchange; there's no regard, and there is no experience of feeling understood.  This has led to  a pattern of mistrust, a pattern of blame, and a belief in being victimized.

After work, while attending my Feldenkrais class, the teacher made a statement about how if you move in a particular way, a way that may be unhealthy for your body, it becomes a pattern. I understood her to mean that until you have reason to question it (pain maybe?), it will be customary for you.  I thought of my couple and how much disappointment and emotional pain they have suffered because of practicing something not healthy until it became the pattern.

Lest I leave you feeling discouraged by this story, I should add that, while, yes, I do have my work cut out for me (!) with this couple, there is hope:
+  They have enough commitment to come to counseling. 
+  They are intelligent and willing to learn.
+  I have some things to teach them.

 Patterns can be good.  But your usual practice, although familiar, may not be your best choice.  Patterns are worth questioning.

Have you ever reflected on what patterns you might have?  Good or bad ones?

Dear Doctor

Advice about bedside manner.

 When a patient goes to see a doctor, they are seeking help or hoping for some solicitude or, at the very least, looking for a resource.  To truly accomplish any of these levels of care, the doctor has to listen to the patient.  It seems that we've all--doctors and patients alike--come to accept that  doctors are so busy that they can't really take the time to learn about each patient.  It seems generally accepted that they should be compromised in their ability to attend to a patient.   But, doctors, you've got to find a way:  You've got to find a way to pay attention.

I've had the bad experiences in doctors offices that most people have had.  I am a pretty pro-active patient and I go to a doctor's appointment prepared and, usually, with a purpose.  I would think an informed, focused patient would be welcome---with such a patient, the doctor doesn't have to do everything.  And, yet, I have sometimes been met with scorn because of this.  One doctor told me:  "Doctors don't like patients like you; you take too much time."  Another, because I came in asking for a specific test, said:  "You've been watching too much TV."

The first, at least had enough sense to recognize that I had done my research.  The second, in my assessment, had no realistic understanding of me as a person and, in addition, was demeaning in his remark (the second, I had been seeing for 6 years, believe it or not).  These doctors are not healers.

(rejection and devaluation do not make for healing.)

I have had a primary care physician who was a healer, and, a chiropractor who was a healer and a podiatrist who was a healer.  Have you ever looked for this quality in a health care provider?  When it is there, it is quite clear.  Mostly it is not there.
But it is interesting to look for it, and to develop the ability to identify it.

I wonder sometimes how people get motivated to become physicians.  Are they just students who are mostly interested in science?  Or, are they actually moved to help others and somehow lose the heart for that along the way?  One person can offer a healing interaction to another and those doctors who have that to offer are the  cream of the crop.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if patients could expect to feel at least a little bit, in some way, better after visiting a doctor?

Doctors, you need to be genuinely interested in your patient.  That's how you pay attention.  You have to give up the notion that 'one size fits all' and see each case as being unique.  Sometimes you have to have enough curiosity on board to 'play detective', to get going on trying to find the cause of a particular patient's problem rather than just treating the symptoms.

Recently, I had a good experience with the latter:  I had been having recurring flare-ups of an allergic skin reaction, mostly on my face.  I had seen each of the three dermatologists in this practice of four, numerous times over some years.  Finally one of them decided to "review the chart" and try to get to the bottom of it.  He also talked to me about my sensitive skin (to chemicals in cosmetics) in a clear but not condescending manner.  To make a long story short, I have not had an episode since that visit.  I had another good experience with my gynecologist recently and these two were unusual enough for me to write about it.

Upon reflection, what seemed different was the attitude (respect), the caring (attention), and the thinking (focus).  This part of treatment is, of course, what psychotherapists primarily do.  And we aren't perfect, we make mistakes.  But, most of us realize, hopefully, what a powerful position it is to be in--a doctor-patient relationship. and how critical even the smallest act of apparent de-valuing could be.  So, we try very hard to think before we speak, to keep in mind at all times, the vulnerability of the person before us, to never be off-handed in attitude, and to be in good shape ourselves when we go to work; we do rely a little, on the overall relationship, as able to carry the healing experience if we do flub up once in a while.

Doctors, maybe you don't get much training in counseling skills in medical school.  Is there a way that you could avail yourself of that training when already in practice?  One suggestion I have is that you engage a therapist to care for you.  Having the experience yourself, of being treated, always with dignity, with growing affection, and with respectful focus on whatever problem you might present---would be a great learning opportunity.  Being on the receiving end of this kind of care is one way to learn how to do it yourself.

Here is a link to an article which addresses the same issue but has the opposite emphasis.   If you read it, let me know what you think of that.

Men Feeling Controlled

"Sexy women seem powerful to men."
"Being a man is like being a diabetic in a candy shop."
"She's very attractive.  Maybe she's just using me."
"I am controlled at work.  I'm controlled  by my family.  Now you want to control me.  To control what I wear!  To MY  bowling league!"
"Stop telling me what to do."

All real quotes from real people.
Each is from a different man---one an electrician, one a medical intern, one a CEO, a chef, and one, a therapist himself.

Sometimes women puzzle over this, not universal, but-at the same time-not uncommon, reaction by men to them.  A female boss is very difficult for some men.  An attractive female teacher can be experienced by a male student as almost overwhelmingly powerful.  A female physician is sometimes, confusing.

A wife or a girlfriend, though, asking her man to do something or making a suggestion---a person who, theoretically, should be in an egalitarian position to him---may get an angry reaction like one of the last two quoted above.  Why is a request or a suggestion by one's partner so often heard as a command?
When  I asked the CEO these questions, he said:  "Most men yearn for control because they don't have it.  But they don't really realize what they are yearning for."
Males are socialized to never feel helpless:  They are the ones who are expected to have the answers, to manage the problems, to be strong in the face of all challenges, to always be on top of things.  So, possibly when someone else is seen as trying to direct their behavior, it feels like a threat to their identity.
Hers may be a simple request in the hopes of supporting their sex life together-such as, "...please shave off that beard."-the sex life presumably being something he would also be interested in preserving.  And yet he hears it as another instance of someone limiting his choices.
Perhaps he is feeling not so powerful in the world.  His circumstances may cause him to have to compromise his identity most of the time.  The one place where he can speak up about it is with his closest person, his intimate partner.  So her requests may be met with resistance, defensiveness, or even some of the pent up resentment accumulated from other areas of his life.
(Thus, a misunderstanding and an inappropriate expression of power, undermines a marriage.)

``A less usual, but no less real, pattern in men is the one who wants to completely give over all responsibility to his wife and let her run the show.  He gets to primarily focus on his own interests and lets her make most of the decisions and take care of business.  I mention this opposite rendition-the 180* other side of the coin- of the control issue, for the sake of completeness, but, we'll discuss these guys another time.``

So, here's the practical question that comes out of the conundrum for women, of being in a relationship with a man who is sensitive/reactive to what seem to him like hierarchical moves:  Men---how can women say what they think or ask for what they want in a way that won't trigger this negative sensation?

Looking for some ideas from men...

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