Friends and Lovers

Joy in relationships

"One of the deepest pleasures is being truly seen, and loved anyway. 

And being seen in a false way---what could be lonelier?"

Author unknown

We all have  a  persona, (a Jungian term for how we present ourselves to the world).  We need this.  We can't go around exposed all the time to anyone and everyone. 

But with some people, those who are in your inner circle, http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/geography-of-your-friendships.html , it is worth revealing your real self.  Why?  Because this opens the door to emotional intimacy.  This is an experience in life that is both exciting and peaceful at the same time.  It contains the feeling of true acceptance by the other as well as deep empathy on your own part.  

Actions such as those below, offered to a loved one, can put us on this path:  

• authenticity
• transparency
• sincerity
• openness
• respect
• warmth
• prizing
• concern 
• liking
• understanding  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Both intensity and great comfort can be found in an emotionally intimate relationship.  The moment of emotional intimacy can be just that, a moment, or it can be a long exchange or, it can happen even in a time of no words, a time of only being in each other's presence.  It can be fun, funny or profoundly serious.                 

If you want to grow in this way, that is, in how close you are in your primary relationship or how deep your friendships are, you can begin considering taking off your mask with certain people.  Take note---we must be selective about whom we share with in this way.  Try to choose the people you open up to, carefully.  You want to share your inner self with others who will honor that, who will see it as a privilege, and who will also be honest with you. 

Have you felt either of these---popular for a false self or, conversely, loved for your true inner self?   I invite you to share your experience in the comment section.

The Kindness of Strangers

A Man I Don't Know Did Me a Favor

In my community, we have a store, commonly called a "big box store" or a warehouse store.  It is huge and it is full of huge boxes of items of all kinds for purchase.  The idea is to stock up and save money on the price of each individual item in the package.  It is a big, anonymous, crowded place.  The environment is not that pleasant, there are no store employees to help you until checkout and most people shopping there are in a down-to-business mode and sometimes border on rude.  The customers endure all this (oh, and, a crowded parking lot too) because it's a good deal.

The store negotiates agreements with companies selling products at deeply discounted prices but, the company wants to unload these products for some reason of their own.  Therefore, the products available are not consistent.  There's a few things that are there for a long time and then, just when you begin to count on it, that product disappears from the shelves.

One item I had been buying there for a long time was frozen, organic blueberries.  I have been very happy to find such an expensive item (which is also very healthy, not to mention tasty) reliably available.  But, as with all things at Costco, recently, the inventory has been thinning out.  One day I was there, searching and searching through the bags of frozen fruit for my prized blueberries and none were to be found.  A man and his little girl came up and he spotted one (they were there for the same item).  He pulled it out and handed it to me.  His little girl grabbed it from me-it was a child so I gave way, of course.  He gently reprimanded her for doing that and gave it back to me.  I tried to say no you found it (it was the one and only, last bag left), but he shook his head and let me keep it.

How generous.  This man doesn't know me.  We'll never see each other again.  But, I have not forgotten this small, but significant gesture.  Sadly, in a crowded, competitive world, these 'random acts of kindness' are becoming rare.  Happily, it does still happen.

What would you have done in this situation?  Sometimes it seems like there are nice people in the world and not nice people, doesn't it.  We each know who we are because we know what we truly think about in our secret, most innermost thoughts.  We know how we think about others (kindly or meanly?).  So, even if we cover it with politeness, we know ourselves what is inside.  

If you begin to notice what goes on internally, what your own values are and what choices you actually make, you may find a very loving, generous nature at your heart of hearts.  But if you see that there is vindictiveness, a value on getting even, a penchant for criticizing others, acquisitiveness, or any other not so positive ideas, you may want to turn some compassion on yourself.

Often those who are spiteful and self-aggrandizing or just mean-spirited have been hurt earlier in life.  This is where therapy can be of enormous help.

It's not always the case, of course.  Recently the Greater Good Science Center published an article resulting from their research on empathy:  http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_inequality_is_bad_for_the_one_percent
What they found is that as people become more elevated in status and wealth, they become less compassionate.  Those with less tend to be more tuned in to others, more willing to empathize, and more likely to offer help.  The hypothesized reason for this is that the high status people are separated from the fray.  They are not as exposed to the struggles of the majority and also do not fear those difficulties themselves.  In a sense, they live an insulated life.  However, it isn't good for them  as what has been found in previous studies is that compassion leads to personal happiness and the happiest countries are those that have the most equality.  If you identify with this description (elevated status and less concern for the plight of others), you might look around at your peers who practice philanthropy.  They might be considered an exception to this general finding.  Why is that?  What's different?  What motivates them?  You may find something of interest to you there.
 
So, there are two ways that I have proposed wherein a person can find themselves not very adept at empathizing and thus, living a rather insulated life.
Sharing your joys and trials with others and feeling for others when they share theirs, or, even just when you see it or hear about it, is a human gift and contributes to your well being.

Even More, On Empathy

Empathy is the one gift we all have to give

 For sometime now, I have been noticing an absence of empathy in the couples I see for counseling, in my practice.  I also see it in  some individual sessions, when the patient is reporting on some other person in their life or, on an interaction.  It is a relatively new phenomenon to notice.  I attribute this to three things:

• It's a sign of the times
• I reached a level of experience as a therapist where I was able to discern this
• It's not being taught to people as they grow up

 I realize that the large swath of Americans who would identify as belonging to the middle-class are really struggling right now.  I think that this could be a big part of the reason for the withholding of empathy ; people are saving their energy for catastrophe. 
I have been through a foreclosure on his home with one of my patients---after a successful family life and a career, his kids fortunately were grown when this happened,young adults---he lost his job.  Next was the painful process of losing his house.  Now, in his early 50's, he is living with his elderly parents, in their house.  

I have another person in my practice who is trying to find a job as her husband's health is failing and tells me that she cannot even get her resume looked at by potential employers because they are so flooded with applicants.  

So as people see this all around them, they are on alert, trying to protect what they have, feeling like the rug may be pulled out from under them at any time.

When their partner expresses distress of any kind, they don't want to hear it.  They want their partner to just be okay ("Please, don't add another burden to my shoulders."). 

 Sometimes, if the worry is a shared one, they don't want their own, barely-under-wraps anxiety to emerge, so they don't want their spouse to talk to them about those anxieties.  If the partner's trouble is individual, they just can't tolerate listening to much about it as they begin to feel overwhelmed very quickly.

Also, parents are feeling pressed and sometimes alarmed by the changes in the world economy and can barely do the minimum for their children, much less even think to teach them about empathy.  (this is something that was taught to children when I was growing up)

Of course, this is one of those things that can be reversed into a positive feedback loop.
I f you think how disappointed you feel when you go to your mate for comfort and get the cold shoulder,                                                                                   

 

 you will not want to do that yourself.  We all need sanctuaries and sometimes our mate can provide that, emotionally.

I think that when I see couples  complaining about their partners feelings, moods, worries, that they are telling us that they, themselves, are very stressed.  However, we can't all, always mend our own wounds.  Sometime we need help and sometimes we need to assist others.  Human beings are 'social animals'.  We do not thrive in isolation.

Empathy is different from sympathy.  It means, as the saying goes, walking a mile in someone else's shoes.  ("You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, 'till you climb into his skin and walk around in him awhile."  from To Kill A Mockingbird)  Think how relieving it is when somebody 'gets' you.  Or, even, if they don't exactly get it right, they at least, try.  Think how lonely it is to believe that you always have to solve all of your own problems by yourself.  Maybe spending a few minutes thinking about this will inspire you to offer some empathy when the opportunity next presents itself.

You can make the world a better place.

Last post on this topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/10/more-on-empathy.html

Harvey

         Use your imagination to further your growth

 In the classic 1950 film, Harvey, James Stewart-the star of the movie-has an imaginary friend, a six foot tall rabbit named Harvey.  While it seems unusual and amusing to see an adult character with such a vivid imagination, it is, actually our imagination that leads to the invention of most of the ordinary devices and objects that we use on a daily basis.

Today I attended a presentation at the Herrick Hospital, Berkeley, Ca. Grand Rounds by Alison Gopnik, professor of psychology, UC Berkeley.  One of the results of her ground-breaking research into infant and early childhood development is that imaginary companions, the fictional beings that children create, have a purpose.  She states that 70% of young children have them, worldwide.  In other words, while some cultures discourage this activity, some tolerate it and some have a benevolent attitude toward it, most children do it, regardless.  So, she concludes that it must emerge naturally from the young developing human.

It seems that the more pretend play a child does, the more able they are to understand others.  So, by either imagining a character or acting out a character, the child is learning about how a different personality might experience things.  Therefore, a topic I have explored several times in posts to this blog, compassion and empathy, have their roots in imaginary childhood play.
By the way, even a three year old knows the difference between imaginary and real and, if pressed, will say so.  Still, there seems to be an innate value on exploring and making use of the imaginary world in early life.

As an adult individual, interested in your own internal workings and personal growth, there are ways that your imagination can help you:  You can always ask yourself, "What if... "
Also, if you pay attention and remember your dreams you can work with them using your imagination.  For example, you can ask yourself what any object, place, or person in the dream would say, given the chance.  Or you can imagine what would have happened next in the dream had it continued from where it left off.  All of these answers will be created in your own mind, thus, they are emanating from your own psyche.
You may learn something about yourself that you were not conscious of before, by using these techniques!  (Oh, and have some fun.)

Being a Fly On The Wall

You will probably enjoy the film, This Is It, if:

1.  You would appreciate the chance to have a behind-the scenes look at the creative process.

2.  You are interested in  observing leadership styles.

3.  You've been following the blog posts about empathy.

This film is a study of the creative process.  Here are some of the world's finest artists and technicians, at work and incredibly focused on a joint project.  You can almost see the 'wheels turning' in their minds as they problem solve, experiment and develop the production.  I found that aspect, unexpected, and fascinating.

One could view this movie as an exposition of a particular leadership style.  There is a leadership style that Michael Jackson was using and teaching which is an uncommon one.  It was low-key and always respectful.  While this concert was clearly his vision and he was definitely going to be the star, he also generously wanted the others players to "shine".  Even though he seemed perfectionistic in his attention to detail, he did not  lash out at  others when they didn't meet his standard.  He made corrections kindly and he also tried to elicit their best from the other performers. He tried to reassure them, to calm them, and to offer them meaning for what they were making together.
Also, watching some of the one-on-one  interactions, they seemed to me to be empathy in action.  These people,--- choreographers, musicians, engineers, designers, etc. were all working so closely together, toward a common goal, that they had become very in tune (not to make a pun...) with each other.  In some instances, you could imagine that you saw one person's mind going through each note as a musician played her instrument or each step as a dancer practiced his part.

In addition, if you are not necessarily a Michael Jackson fan, but like to watch wonderful dancing, there is an improvisational dance by M.J. toward the end of the film that is wonderful.

If you go to this  movie, be sure to stay through the credits, there are a few extra bits at the end which most people in the theater where I saw this, missed, because they had already left.

In my view, an unusual and engaging film.

More On Empathy

Here is a quote from one of the books I recommended to you; it's about self-understanding as well as, empathy;

"In addition to choosing different information, we each have access to different information.  For example, others have access to information about themselves that we don't.  They know the constraints they are under; we don't.  They know their hopes, dreams, and fears; we don't.  We act as if we've got access to all the important information there is to know about them, but we don't.  Their internal experience is far more complex than we imagine."

Difficult Conversations by D. Stone, B. Patton, and S. Heen