Gratitude

At a ceremony today in Fresno, California, celebrating the addition of veterans' names to the Wall of Honor, the main speaker expressed gratitude. He talked about the "luck of the draw" in being fortunate enough to have been born in the United States.  He was lucky enough not have have begun his life in a country of poverty or oppression.  He looked to be in his late 50's, so this is a long-standing fact.  But today, at this Veteran's Day event, he expressed his gratitude that he is fortunate enough to be an American.
There are fads in the world of psychology.  For awhile, doing so-called gratitude lists has been a popular suggestion.  However, some have taken this idea seriously enough to conduct research and have found there to be, it turns out, a beneficial effect.  In addition, in practice, trying it myself and observing the results with others, I can see that it is helpful.
  It is usually suggested as a mood elevator or stabilizer.  Not that this, in itself, can control one's state of mind.  But, it's worth adding to your box of tricks.  If you remember in the post, Wise Words http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/09/wise-words.html, I quoted a client as stating her belief that we each create, to a large extent our own happiness.  It often seems easier to look outwardly for solutions, for getting fixed, or, for an emotional boost.  However, it will be more enduring and reliable if you develop some ways to support your mood yourself.

  The standard suggestion with the gratitude list is that each night , before you go to bed, you write a short list of things that you are genuinely grateful for.  The items on the list can be new, have a long history, be permanent or transient.  These can be grand changes that have manifested in your life, but they can also be the simplest of things.  For example, I am grateful that I have a comfortable mattress to sleep on, or I am grateful I didn't get loaded up with too much work today, I am grateful that the dentist didn't find any cavities in  my teeth,---I am grateful to have a dentist!   ~ Anything. ~                                                                                    
  Besides the pleasure that your brain experiences as you create this list, it also has a relaxing effect for some people.

  Try it.  See what you can come up with that is good in your life, in you, or in those around you.

What happened when you made your gratitude list?

Gratitude

In this country, today is a holiday called Thanksgiving

This is a useful time to re-visit the concept of gratitude, written about in previous posts.

 Here is someone else's offering on the topic:  greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/gratitude/definition.

How has gratitude touched your life?
 
There are 10 other posts that discuss or mention the topic of gratitude.  Just type the word into the search bar for a list.

Stress Reduction

The 1st of a series of 3 simple tips for stress reduction

"Be Grateful.  Try this before going to bed tonight:  Write down three things that you feel thankful for or three things that went well today.  Research shows that 15 minutes of daily gratitude can dramatically decrease stress hormones."  Author unknown

A post I wrote on this topic:  http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/11/gratitude.html

What are you grateful for?

Blog Note

A note to you, my reader

 Relationships, therapists, and addictions have received the most votes in the poll so far.  So, the next post, which will go up on Friday will be a short, but interesting post on the subject of relationships.

So far, no one has voted for the posts that I write after I attend the Herrick Hospital Psychiatry Grand Rounds.  However, these posts are in the top ten (google stats) All Time for reader visits.  (Subtracting to Add is #2 for All Time) I guess that the people who read those aren't the same ones who are voting!  Anyway, this is a way for me, to get to you, some of the cutting edge research in the field of psychology which was a promise I made when I began the blog.  When I attend the Grand Rounds, I hear presentations and interact with the lead theorists in the field.  It's exciting!  And, it still seems to me to be a value to include it in the blog.  Those posts will still be included but, less frequently.

There are a lot of other topics that I have written on which weren't included in this poll, such as, friendships, personal growth, lying, shyness, how people function, curiosity, the therapy process, transitions, depression, gratitude, and more.  If there is another topic that you like that was not on the poll, you can ask me to write on it in the "Comments" section.
If you are looking for some information on a particular topic, you can type it into the "Search bar" at the top right and you'll get, at least, a partial list of posts on that topic.  Or, take a look through the "Labels" section; if you click on a label, again,---it will take you to the posts that have that topic in them.
Above all,  please peruse the blog.  Dig in.  There are almost 300 (297 to be exact) posts here.   Almost all of them are as pertinent today as they were when written.  The only posts that are time limited are a few I've written announcing art events.  Most are timeless.

Wth a View to Plenty

Abundance and remaining open to possibilities.

In Kundalini Yoga teachings there are some meditations designed to invite prosperity.  At least, there are two that I know of.  When practicing these meditations, Sahib Amar cautions us to remember some things:  Part of the purpose of putting one's focus on a particular concept is to increase one's awareness.  There are many types of abundance  so our definition should not be allowed to narrow; keep in mind that your definition can include a wide and unique-to-you array of items or experiences.  Most important, was her admonition to try not to miss the opportunity for abundance; she suggests that many opportunities or even offerings of abundance may come our way but if we are not open to the idea, we may just miss it!

It is common to think, when we are pondering along these lines immediately of, affluence, or monetary wealth.  I do not diminish the importance of having enough and as John Hollender said to me recently:  "Money greases the wheels of life."  And, I agree, money can make many things in life easier.  So it certainly counts as an item that can go on the abundance list.  But what are some of the other forms of abundance that we don't so often consider?  Personally I live in a location that offers vast views of the natural world,  existing in a fairly undisturbed state.  I count that as abundance.  Some people are multi-talented---might we say that they have abundant personal gifts?  A family may have an especially vibrant social life; it could be said that they have an abundance of friendship or popularity.  Those are just a few examples.

I would also add that the path to abundance--of whatever kind--may not be predictable.  So it might be wise to remain open to opportunities that present themselves in disguise, i. e., not what you would expect.  Just try to notice what occurs in your life, while holding in an open heart, the idea of abundance.

We are, in our society, quickly getting very practiced in an attitude of scarcity.  Try to keep some balance to that in your own psyche.  If you want to experience the sense of abundance now, try the tack described in the post titled, Gratitude.

Some Things Are Worth Repeating

And so you will find me saying some things more than once.

These two were working  and working hard when this photo was taken but look at the sparkle in those eyes and those full-out smiles. 

Shifting focus away from worry and toward gratitude will reduce stress.

"Thorns and Roses"

~Jen.  Play.  Give.  Trust.  Touch.  Take care of others.  Moderation.  Laughter.  Virtue.  Justice.  

  For a period, I did write on the subject of happiness.  Time to re-visit that subject.  We've put considerable attention here on the troubles of life, how to identify them, and, what can be done about them.  Yet, positive emotions are just as important and carry just as much gravitas and impact on our life experience.
Today I heard Dacher Keltner, PhD, Professor of Psychiatry, U.C. Berkeley speak on this topic.  He talked about the science of compassion and the physiology of altruism amongst other things related to the subject of happiness as humans.  Happiness at age 70 adds almost 2 years to our lifespan he explained.  "Happiness is associated with good health."And, happiness at work leads to more successful performance, boosts creative thought, and enhances negotiating skills.  Research has shown that of 15 countries studied, the U. S.-with all of our freedom and physical comforts, and educational opportunities, is the 2nd least happy country in the world, at least at the age of 18. 

What are some of the things that we know lead to enhanced health and happiness?  Humans are social beings.  We need personal support and social connection ourselves and we need to be empathetic and helpful to others.  When we see suffering we naturally respond-don't ignore that response.  Help, if you can; it will be good for you.  While the amygdala in the brain picks up threat and modern day stressors are often perceived that way, cortisol is released and too much cortisol leads to shortened teleomeres   On the other hand, when we see suffering, it activates a very old, long-standing part of our brain that wants to respond (because we are social animals-just like the Bonobo monkey).  The response releases oxytocin which cascades through the organs of our body and stimulates care taking impulses.

How to be happier and healthier:

• Be trustworthy and try to trust others:  It signals safety.

• Give:  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

• Touch.  Emotions can be accurately communicated by touch.

• Play:  Laugh often, use your imagination, create nicknames.

• Practice gratitude:  Develop reverence for what has been given to you.

(Credit:  Much of the above was gleaned from a talk entitled Born to Be Good:  Lessons From the Science of a Meaningful Life.  For more information go to the Greater Good Science Center website and to the book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers)
Related posts:    From the Outside In.  Harvey.  Happiness.  The Easy Way.  Happiness and Preferences.  Success.  Happiness Note.  More On Happiness.  Spring.  Children Full of Life.  Nourishment to the Soul.  Your Aliveness.  Just for Fun.  A Little Lottery Win Each Day, and more.  Peruse the blog, there are a number of posts on this topic.

Are You New?

For Newcomers to this Blog:

At this moment, there are 211 posts on this blog.  That's a lot of information on psychology, about human nature, about relationships, philosophy, and personal growth and development.  Of those 211, %97.5 are are as current today as the day I wrote them.  And they will be pertinent and useful for a long time.  These posts are not time dependent. 
So, please, don't miss out on discovering a discussion of something you are particularly interested in.  There are posts on:

• Shyness
• Depression
• Curiosity (Not a Know-It All is the title of a post focused on that state of mind)
• There are many meditations 
• Articles on empathy:  See Me, Hear Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, is one
• Gratitude
• Altruism & Helping Others (Not Easily Impressed)
• Gift Giving
• Your personal assets, a test you can take to learn what they are
• Friendship (A Novel Idea)
• Your own development (How's the Fit Re-visited, #4-meaning 4th in a series on that topic)
• Therapy, Doing Something About It & A Two-Way Street are examples of 2 titles on this subject
• Stress
• With a View to Plenty and the follow-up, Clarification by Sahib Amar, about abundance
• The series about Unfinished Business within oneself
• Independence & Intimacy, one of many about relating to others and relationships
• Eating Disorders
• Nourishment For The Soul is a short post about a little-known but wondrous psychological theory
• Influencing your own future in life is addressed in several posts, a fascinating possibility

 Out of over 200, these are just a few.  There's a lot to make use of here.  I want you to enjoy the blog.
                                                                                                                                Please peruse!

Which ones did you like?  Tell me.

"It's A Big Job Being Me!"

Is there a way to make it easier?

This week I've had 2 adult male patients, in very different stages of life say almost the same thing.  The other one was:  "Why does it have to be so hard?"

             (artist, image on right, Daniel Healey, 2008)

It does, in fact take thought and conscious effort to be you---all that you were meant to be or all that you want to be.  At this stage in human development, a happy fulfilled life is not automatic.  In fact, people who shun self-reflection and do expect a good life without doing any personal work are usually the most unhappy, after all.  An uncomplicated example:  If you simply take the first job you land in, after school, get enamored of the money coming in and don't try to discover what work would be meaningful to you, you can find yourself, years later, a misfit.

One thing    that is much more available now to more people is, choice.  You make many choices and decisions along the way that can be life-altering.  Without some time spent searching inwardly and thinking about your choices, your life can fall off course.

Here are some simple strategies you can begin right away that can start you in the right direction:

1. Highlight your positive experiences
2. Substitute gratitude for worry and also, for tension
3. Try to make someone in your family happier
4. Contribute some volunteer time to your community
5. Improve your psychological well-being by practicing forgiveness

Two ways that a therapist can help you feel better are to offer a safe place to re-visit some of your past painful  experiences and, instead of feeling alone, scared, or confused, you can associate that memory with a respectful caring guide, with a comfortable protected setting, and a process of trying to understand.

The second way seems so simple but is really profound.  We have found that the easy-seeming act of naming your feelings, putting words to them helps to settle the brain; it lessens any activity that may be going on in your brain's alarm system.  Sometimes a therapist will label the feeling you are expressing, for you, or-at least suggest a label.  If it resonates with you, then you also receive that wonderful moment of feeling understood.

From A Friend

I learned from a friend of mine, by her example, how much pleasure can so easily be given by telling others that you appreciate them.

  

"Getting used to our blessings is one of the most important nonevil generators of human evil, tragedy and suffering."

Abraham Maslow

"Silent gratitude isn't very much to anyone."

Gertrude Stein

Today I am writing to all of you with a very heavy heart. Paula’s daughter Adrienne and husband John have asked me to post this message as her friend and her colleague. This special place on the “net” where all of you came to know her was one of her greatest joys. She loved her work and was a dedicated Marriage and Family therapist for over 25 years. 

To our great sadness, Paula lost her struggle with an aggressive cancer on Sunday, August 4^th  2013.  However her lovely spirit lives online in “A Therapist’s Thoughts”. Paula was dedicated to  sharing her years of experience as a therapist and to providing people with this forum for supporting each other.  I quote from Paula’s own comment about her hope for this Blog.

“Primarily though, the intention of this blog is to provide a place for self-reflection and, also, to augment the process for anyone who is currently in therapy.”

She gave of her time freely here. She shared with us, she cared about us, and we felt it through her words. Her wisdom was ever-present. She frequently expressed her great joy and excitement over new visitors, commentary, and peaks in blog activity. Her inspiration for new posts was never-ending.

Paula cannot be replaced. Her soul has traveled on to other adventures and we are left with an empty space but with so much gratitude for having known her in this way. From my own perspective, Paula was a guiding light in my personal growth as a therapist and she was a loyal friend. There is no doubt in my mind that Paula Young was a “special” human being. Reading over the Blog postings makes me feel close to her again.

Paula’s final struggle was heroic and she chose to keep many details of her illness from others, I believe, to protect them. So don’t wonder too long why you may not have known how seriously ill she was. Paula would want us all to continue our lives in the best way we know how and to remember her as a wise and delightful personality. Please continue to post your thoughts and messages to each other as the family plans to leave the Blog active for awhile.

Carol Law 

Paying It Forward and Benefactors

Giving with a purpose, generativity, and discovering your natural inclination to give/help others.

Recently I was sitting in a cold, BART station  on a colder cement seat next to a woman who was eating from a bag lunch.  It had been a long day in San Francisco for me and I was tired and hungry.    I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she kept sneaking glances at me-I was just sitting there, still and quiet, waiting for the train.  Then she offered me a tiny red box of raisins out of her lunch bag and she said:  "You enjoy it but then, you do something for someone else.  Okay?"  I agreed.  She then told me she makes a practice of doing this:  I recognized the practice.  It's called paying it forward.
 Related to The Butterfly Effect, paying it forward is more purposeful.  The one who offers the favor expects the receiver to reciprocate with some one else and extracts that promise.  It is purposeful passing it on whereas in the butterfly effect, we do kind acts on faith.  Paying it forward is an effort to make things different in the world.  There is a wonderful film on this topic called Pay It Forward if you are interested in seeing a fictionalized version of how this would actually be acted upon.

The concept of paying it forward is one of many examples of giving with a purpose.  Sometimes we give out of obligation-for a birthday or holiday; we may give because it is called for culturally; gifts are sometimes given to grease the wheels of business transactions, or to enhance an apology.  There are thank you gifts and gifts of reciprocation.  Gifts are a part of many kinds of relationships-between individuals, families, businesses and countries.  Nonetheless, a goal is attached, even if it is simply the loving one of seeing happiness in another.

Erik Erikson, who wrote about human beings as continuing to go through developmental stages throughout life,---not just as children, coined the term "generativity".  Generativity is one of the characteristics of maturity and usually emerges in late life, according to his observations.  This kind of giving, often in the form of charity work, volunteerism, or mentoring, represents the urge on the part of the giver to leave a legacy to the next generation.  It is a wish to help younger people and to offer up and pass on what one has learned, in life or in a particular field of specialty.
There is yet another type of giving, one that has no name as far as I know.  I researched this idea and didn't find much.  It is a recent discovery for me so maybe we are pioneering new territory here---I don't know.  If you recognize this, (or even if you don't, maybe you can create a name for it), let me know.
Here's a story about this kind of giving:  I have a long-time friend whose husband is very successful in the financial world.  I asked him for some help managing my financial matters. This wasn't easy to do because mine are 'small potatoes' in comparison to what he ordinarily deals with (big business clients).  However, he readily agreed.  When I tried to express my gratitude, he graciously said:  "What are friends for?"  I have met with him at his office several times now over the course of a few years.  When I am there, his entire attention is on me and my matters and his staff is at my disposal; I am treated as if I  were no different from his most important client.  He has only done a few things for me as I have been reticent, reluctant to impose on such a generous person.  But there has never been any sign of limits on his part.  He just seems to wait until I ask and then, he helps me. 

Because  I have felt sort of befuddled about how this was occurring in my life, I have put a lot of thought into it.  I remembered that the Chinese culture has a concept about benefactors.  The idea is that we each have the possibility of having a benefactor cross our path in life.  This would be a person who just, in some way, provides you with something beneficial to you, without remuneration.  Sounds like part of an explanation but still...

Then, one day I realized that I do this myself.  I'm not referring here to how I might put my heart out to a client in my practice-above and beyond what I am paid to do as my job.  I am not talking about what I might do for my child.  No, none of that.  I am talking about helping because I can.  Or helping because I can and I've been asked.  Or seeing a need, having the ability to fill that need, and then doing it.  This is giving that has no cost: It does not deplete the giver.

 People who know me as extended family or as close friends will sometimes come to me with a personal conundrum or even a life crisis.  It never occurs to me to not help---I just do it. When I began this blog, I did it because I wanted to offer to the world, what I have learned (and am learning); I wanted to make available to anyone anywhere, who could get to a computer, but did not have access to a private practice therapist, a part of what that experience is.  I put a lot of thought and time into these posts and I am not paid anything for this work.  Some people in my life have wondered aloud to me why I do that.  It's actually quite difficult to explain.  I just feel strongly that I want to make this offer.  And, so I keep doing it. 

  So, it seems that some people have this aspect in gear and some don't.  (Also, some are doing it but aren't aware, as I was).  It would seem a very foreign idea to someone who has not felt the wish to do this.  But, those of you who are doing it, will, perhaps recognize what I have described.  Do you?