Don't Lose Your Head

A brief overview of the feeling, anger with some ideas about how to handle it.

 "Aggression begets aggression."  We now know that the old 'beating the pillow' theory doesn't work.  The idea was that by taking your anger out on an inanimate object or in a harmless way---such as on a punching bag, or banging on your spouse with batacas in a (well-meaning but, ill-informed) therapist's office is an ineffective strategy.
In fact, this kind of activity can actually escalate your anger.  If you are pacing around and feeling pent up, it won't hurt to use up some of that adrenaline-produced energy in a run, for example.  But trying to release your anger by pretending to act it out will only make it worse.  We now know that instead of the hoped-for release, this exercise actually increases the fury.

Not that anger in and of itself is a bad thing.  After all, it's just a feeling.  Human beings are equipped with a variety of those---I think they give our life experience, color and richness.  I would encourage you to experience all of your feelings, subtle and powerful, fleeting and enduring, positive and negative.  But when it comes to anger, what you do with it makes a difference.

"Do not confuse the feeling of anger with the expression of anger.""Practice saying to yourself when you feel angry:  "I am angry.  What do I want to do with this?  How can I feel okay with my anger?"  This is a choice point;  you have given yourself permission to have the feeling, you've identified what it is, you've acknowledged it, now you get to choose what to do:

•  Sometimes "...accepting your feeling without judgment is enough for the feeling to abate."  
• Another time you may want to problem solve whatever it was that led you to that feeling.  

• In some cases, you will decide that the most productive course is to express your thoughts and feelings about the issue.  

• Maybe you want to write in your journal about it, or talk it over with a friend.  

There are many ways to proceed.  Impulsive action on an angry emotion is usually not the best.

 
Physiologically, emotions are also in our bodies.  There are a number of physical changes that occur in an angry person such as immune suppression, decrease in blood flow to the extremities, etc.  Some people find this aspect to be a 'rush' and develop a sort of addiction to anger---they feel strong and powerful under the influence of the physiological changes.  Of course, we all know stories of individuals performing super-human feats under these natural chemical influences.  Conversely prolonged anger makes some people experience a kind of sick feeling.
Some years ago we had a psychology fad about Type A people (there were frequent articles about this personality style in magazines and other media); these individuals make anger such a habit that they ultimately contribute to their own demise by developing cardiovascular disease.
Alcohol and anger do not mix well as alcohol is a disinhibiter.  So, alcohol in the system of an angry person effectively eliminates the choice step I outlined above.  Most experienced therapists know that domestic violence or even venomous verbal fights in couples usually include alcohol.
On a positive note:  Anger CAN be re-directed to fuel productive activity.  A good example of this is, MADD.  I think we can safely assume that these women were, at some point in their grief process, not just angry but enraged.  Look at how they turn that into a wonderful contribution to society that we all benefit from!


A reader gave this post a +1.  So appreciated!!!

Clarification by Sahib Amar

An important addendum to the previous post; suggests a shift in perspective.

 Thanks, Paula, for writing about this important topic. What a nice picture! The only suggestion I would have is to emphasize that the "prosperity meditation" enables you to be more aware or open to the opportunity for prosperity - rather than saying "try not to miss the opportunity," the meditation allows your awareness not to miss it. So you don't have to try, it just happens more easily from meditation. It's a subtle difference but I think it's an important one. The meditation we did on Wednesday is so heart-opening, I'm sure that's why you felt so much happiness from everyone.

Thank you for sharing your blog with me and the world. 

Sat Nam,

Sahib-Amar

Wth a View to Plenty

Abundance and remaining open to possibilities.

In Kundalini Yoga teachings there are some meditations designed to invite prosperity.  At least, there are two that I know of.  When practicing these meditations, Sahib Amar cautions us to remember some things:  Part of the purpose of putting one's focus on a particular concept is to increase one's awareness.  There are many types of abundance  so our definition should not be allowed to narrow; keep in mind that your definition can include a wide and unique-to-you array of items or experiences.  Most important, was her admonition to try not to miss the opportunity for abundance; she suggests that many opportunities or even offerings of abundance may come our way but if we are not open to the idea, we may just miss it!

It is common to think, when we are pondering along these lines immediately of, affluence, or monetary wealth.  I do not diminish the importance of having enough and as John Hollender said to me recently:  "Money greases the wheels of life."  And, I agree, money can make many things in life easier.  So it certainly counts as an item that can go on the abundance list.  But what are some of the other forms of abundance that we don't so often consider?  Personally I live in a location that offers vast views of the natural world,  existing in a fairly undisturbed state.  I count that as abundance.  Some people are multi-talented---might we say that they have abundant personal gifts?  A family may have an especially vibrant social life; it could be said that they have an abundance of friendship or popularity.  Those are just a few examples.

I would also add that the path to abundance--of whatever kind--may not be predictable.  So it might be wise to remain open to opportunities that present themselves in disguise, i. e., not what you would expect.  Just try to notice what occurs in your life, while holding in an open heart, the idea of abundance.

We are, in our society, quickly getting very practiced in an attitude of scarcity.  Try to keep some balance to that in your own psyche.  If you want to experience the sense of abundance now, try the tack described in the post titled, Gratitude.

Summer

Scroll down to view the little Springtime slide show.

 Two weeks until the official first day of summer.  The Spring slide show at the bottom of this page will be changed or removed that day.

Don't Miss the Boat

Good news about current crime statistics and a reminder to notice realities that are positive.

Things are not always as they seem nor as we might assume.  Contrary to current popular belief, the economic downturn has not led to increased crime rates.  In fact, crime, nationwide, is down to levels comparable to "...the good ol' days..." (1950's).  

Some sociologists attribute this to higher incarceration of law-breakers and improved police skills.  This last one stands to reason.  Although it gets lots of publicity when a police officer makes a mistake, they probably make fewer.  Our entire society IS gradually learning over time---often FROM mistakes. 

By reviewing and figuring out how it could have been better, we see how to improve in the future.

Follow the Leader

Two family styles described, including the ideal and distorted version of each with some recommendations.
 The autocratic and the democratic are two distinct family styles.  Therapists think that there should be a hierarchy in a normal family.  In other words, there is the executive sub-system (the parent or parents), a generational boundary, and the below that are the kids or kid.  The parents are in charge.  (There are clear and consistent limits and the consequence to crossing those lines is predictable and unwavering.  So a child knows, 'If I do that, this will happen').  Children have to live within the structure that the parents create.  I like to say that the kids can certainly grumble---they should have that right but, ultimately they benefit from the guidance, the scheduling, and the protection that the adults have to offer.

However there are variations in style to that general recommendation of how to develop a healthy family system.  The autocratic is the family where there is, a thicker line-so to speak- between the adults and the children.  The adults are the rulers and they dictate how things will go.  In some cases, this goes even further and the parents omit the teaching aspect of child-rearing by not explaining why they make a particular decision, not listening to the child's point of view and never apologizing (note:  a mistake recognized with dignity can be effective role-modeling).
Even further down this line are the parents who rule by fear.  They control their children through intimidation.  This last one, by the way, tends to produce sneakiness and lying in kids.  If they are afraid to express themselves directly, they will learn to be manipulative in order to get their way some of the time.

The other common style I will illuminate today is the democratic style family.  In this family, the parents are still in charge; they are reliable  and stable and the children feel safe under their purview.  The difference is in the leadership---there is more fluidity in the taking of the leadership role.  Children are not only listened to, they can express an opinion, an idea, or even a plan for anything that comes up in a family, from where to go for a vacation, to how to organize chores, to even participating in suggestions for consequences for the child when he or she misbehaves.  When this type of family slides too far to the end of the spectrum, the roles permanently reverse and you see what the therapist refers to as "the parentified child".
It's not only okay but, good for children to, occasionally, within appropriate limits, try on the leadership role.  But it must be temporary.  When a child is always needed to care for the parent, and to organize the household life, it leads to problems for that individual as an adult.
Returning to the happier version for now, this is a family in which the kids are given the opportunity to practice--to comfort, to problem solve, to create a new direction.  The parents remain responsible but are able to occasionally enjoy following the childrens' lead.

Most of life doesn't fall so neatly into one category or another.  Often you will see a mix of functioning styles in any one family.  It might be interesting for you to not only take a look at your current nuclear family but also at how your family of origin functioned.  What are the similarities? What has been changed?

Below is a real-life example I asked if I could share on my blog.  I think it speaks to enjoying and savoring the life stage that this family is in at this time:
"...and here's my story......

"Toasting my daughter upon her graduation from college, part 2 after a personal part 1, I alluded to a song by Crosby, Stills and Nash "Teach Your Children Well", and mentioned that the song ends with a twist saying that parents can learn from their children.   I went on to say something that I should learn but have very much admired and admire about my daughter throughout her 22 years is not just pursuing things that she does well (many, if not most things) but her ability to participate in and enjoy things she does not do well. That's a rare quality, and one that makes me so proud, because it's 100% Sara! To Sara!
As an aside I asked my 7 months pregnant niece and her husband to take notice. "
Credit:  Keith Layton

There's a Limit

"A friend is fun, reliable, and  reciprocal."  One person's definition of what a friend is or, should be. What's yours?
Here's someone else's thought about friendship:  "People throw around the word friendship like it's nothing.  Friend is a big word.  I don't call someone a friend easily.  A true friend is rare and to treasure."  
We sure are reminded, when we lose a friend, how important a role they played in our life. It's exciting to make a new friend.  Long-term friends have, however, a special value---that of being witness to your life---of being there to see you go through various changes and stages in your process.
Friends offer affection, distraction when we are troubled, feedback-suggestions-tips-comfort-and advice.  A few rare friends can provide wise counsel.
But, here is where a little caution is good to remember.  In those times, when your life is in real turmoil, some friends, albeit well-intentioned, can stir the pot even more.

For example, how about a fragile relationship between adult siblings and a friend says to one:  'It's so good to hear you say something nice about your sister.'  Maybe that leads to an internal re-hash of all the reasons there've been to complain.  The friend's well-intentioned remark was aimed at encouraging the relationship but, back-fired.

Another difficulty with expecting counseling from friends or relatives is that they are not objective; they have a personal interest, an 'ax to grind' or as one patient described it, as we discussed this issue, "...an agenda of their own."

When you find yourself with a major conflict, a prolonged presence of a problem in your life, or any experience that seems too much for you to contain and master yourself, consider consulting a therapist.   A therapist usually begins with a new patient with a neutral or sympathetique attitude, often develops genuine concern and caring over time but, always tries to maintain some objectivity and a view of the whole picture.  At the least, you can count on a therapist to listen a lot and to think carefully before speaking to you about yourself or your issues.  Therapists are fallible humans and can make mistakes-no doubt about it, but, by and large, this is how it should go.  Remember, even from a selfish point of view, the best outcome for you is in the therapist's best interests.  This is especially true of those in private practice as their livelihood depends on their reputation.  Consistently doing good work is the best advertisement.

Credit:  Second quote:  Larry Gray

Welcome to my Blog Site

Thanks for visiting my blog!  You are welcome to offer your comments, suggestions, and requests.  Questions?  I am offering what I have learned, my own on-going process of personal and professional growth, a view into the profound sharing that some psychotherapy patients bring to my office, and references to books, articles, websites and events that are good things going on in psychology with a sprinkling of info about art events.  I hope you enjoy my photographs.
By the way, this one is of a garden in  Berkeley California (unknown home gardener).

Change is Possible

 A few days ago, there was a positive news story:  Hazel Soares, at the age of 94 fulfilled a life-long dream she had.  Ms Soares graduated from high school in the midst of the Great Depression---she dearly wanted to go to college---but, at that time, it was an impossibility for her.  But!  She never abandoned her dream.  At the age of 85, she earned her AA degree.  And on May 5 of this year, she threw her cap in the air as she became the oldest person to ever graduate from Mills College.
"With her diploma in hand, Soares said she plans to volunteer at a museum...I wouldn't want to sit home and do nothing, she said."

It isn't easy, as an adult, to strike out and do something different.  But it is, in my view, worse to deprive yourself of the experiences you long for in life just because it's uncomfortable to do something new.  As adults, we become accustomed to feeling in control, to having a sense of mastery over the activities we engage in.  But there is another kind of personal power in having the courage to be awkward, to do something new where you are in the role of learner.
You might ask yourself:  Is it worth staying with the comfortable and familiar to forgo my own vision for myself?

There could be, of course, many versions of the dream a particular individual might have for themselves but earning of a college degree struck me as such a good example as I have seen many people in my practice who didn't finish their degree or who never made the attempt at all---their feeling was all the same---one of missing something.

In addition, education is therapeutic.  There are so many things learned in the experience of going to college that are beyond just the academic subject matter.  Students learn about deferred goal gratification, self-discipline, how to research an idea,
how to express themselves in writing and I'm sure you can think of many more.  It is a personal growth experience.
So, award yourself the fulfillment of your dream and if college is it, more power to you!

Back to the easy-in-the-short-run route:  We all know that many people get 'stuck in their ways' as they get older.  Doesn't it stand to reason that this may happen in part by the repeated limiting of oneself to only engaging with the parts of life that were learned early on?  Isn't this the end-result of self-limiting behavior?

Whether it's in the therapy office, in school, or some other endeavor---
Make the choice to continue to learn.