This Blog Is About

This blog is about---You! Each and every post is about you. Use it to challenge your usual patterns, as a tool for self-discovery, to stimulate your thinking, to learn about yourself and to answer your questions about others.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Over and Over

The one tip that so many guys need.

Women are different sexually from men.  Most guys learn that one fairly early.  But do guys ever get, i.e. really take in, the one thing that I hear over and over again in my office, from women?

Here it is:     For women, unlike men, visual cues and genital stimulation are not enough.  Women need a lead-in, historically referred to as, "fore-play".  I actually don't like this word as it denotes a separation of sexual stages that isn't really true to reality.  Women need, usually, a feeling of closeness, before and during sexual activity with a man (and, ideally, also after---start the cycle again!).  Sometimes this may be expressed as a wish from the woman for a romantic gesture on the part of the male.  Some women want personal attention which can come in many forms, one of which would be feeling attractive and desirable.The closeness can be developed in a number of ways, such as:
  • An unexpected gift, or
  • a hug or other physical affection, or
  • the doing of something for her, or 
  • verbal declarations of love or fondness, or appreciation of her beauty or her personal qualities. 
  • Sometimes even doing something for someone she loves, such as her child, can produce tremendous tenderness in a woman.  
  • Quality time is important to sustaining and enhancing almost any relationship.  Spend time together that is especially designated for the 2 of you.  At that time do the things suggested in the post titled, You Can Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar.  Quality time is when the time is primarily devoted to being together.  And, I'm sure there are more ways---maybe you can think of some and share them in the comment section here.                                                                                                                                                         Any or all of these are worth doing.  Some will have more effect on a particular woman than others.  But, don't make the common guy-mistake of testing until you find the one that gets the quickest and biggest reaction and just keep repeating that.  It doesn't work that way for women and, besides, the woman will catch on and begin to feel manipulated.  The point here is, you need to move into an emotionally intimate space (for real, not just with an end-goal in mind) with the woman before, during, and after the physical intimacy.                                                    Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a book that discusses in more detail most of the above suggestions in the bullet list.

Of course, women can force a sexual response out of themselves without the emotional intimacy being present but, it is far less enjoyable and satisfying.  It may even be harder to get her engaged the next time.  It seems to be very difficult for men to really believe this, probably because it is so different from how they function.  For men, sex is much more direct and, in a way, simpler.  Of course, by the same token, it is difficult for women to understand the male side too.
Sticking to the subject, for this post, anyway, for most women, relationship is everything.  They may be able to "multi-task", to accomplish tremendous things in the outer world or the domestic world; they may have great success in many spheres of life.  But, if their primary relationship is in trouble, it will affect everything for them.  They may be well able to hide it, at work, etc. but they feel it.  It colors the mood of their day until it is remedied.  This is also different from men in that they (men) are more likely to "compartmentalize".  For men, one part of their life doesn't necessarily spill over into another.  Thus, for women, an unhappy relationship is, really, an unhappy life.

Rule of thumb:  A happy woman is more likely to be interested in sex.  A woman who gets the extended version of sex outlined above is much more likely to be happy.


  1. Thanks Paula, good information for those of us with Y chromosomes. :-)

    It may surprise you, but I find far more pleasure in sex as a part of a loving relationship than in sex as sport. I don't think I'm alone in that, either. "Tending the garden", as my wife puts it, is essential to keeping the pleasure in the relationship and in keeping the relationship in the pleasure for both men and women. Still, yes, warming up for her takes longer than for me. Thanks for the reminder that that is a normal aspect of male-female interactions.

  2. It's a little surprising but I do know that you guys exist. I like your sentence about keeping the pleasure in the relationship and including relationship in the pleasuring. Wonderful comment.