A Rhetorical Question

Posed by one of my patients recently, it occurred to me that this could function as a highlight or exclamation point for part of the entry, The Geography of Friendships. The question was: "Who would you choose to be isolated on an island with? Forever."

Not a Know-It -All

Tonight I am writing about the value of curiosity. Curiosity, it seems to me, has a lot of practical value. One that comes to mind is in reference to the blog I wrote on the difficulties of and the value of, shy people http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/shyly.html.  ~True interest in other individuals can decrease some of the awkwardness a shy person may feel in a social situation with new people. The really reticent shy person need not necessarily even come up with a lot of questions when using this asset in a social setting. If there is a real interest in learning about another person, the shy person will listen with sincere attention; this is usually experienced as such a refreshing change that the other person will happily offer some personal information and, thus, the two are visiting!

~Curiosity is a wonderful attitude for a parent to have toward their child. How fortunate would a child be who had parents who would look for their child's unique talents, who would be alert to what absorbs their child's interests, who would just sometimes wonder, who is this person, who is my child becoming. It's just an attitude on the part of a parent that allows and encourages more individual development. It is a different approach for a parent to take from the position of feeling charged with the job of molding a child.

~The Feldenkrais Method teaches us to be curious about how our bodies work, all human bodies as well as the idiosyncrasies of our own particular body. It seems to me to be a good idea to pay some attention to this in light of the fact that we take care of our own health most of the time, most of our lives.

~Curiosity provokes you to pursue an answer, to seek information, and to learn. The more you know, usually the better your decision-making process. My Dad had a technique for getting the job done. When I had a paper to write for school, he told me to do all my prep work, reading, research, whatever I needed to do, then 'sleep on it' and write it the next day. This taught me to trust my own mental process. But the interest in finding out something about the subject has to be there first!

~Curiosity can be the antidote to rage. If you have an on-going difficulty with someone in your life, I suggest getting curious about that person. Start wondering. You might even ask out loud sometime, why would you say that? Or just ponder (instead of mentally listing and re-listing your resentments) what the thing is about, from that person's point of view...It is possible to shift out of bitterness and into an inquiring state of mind (better for you).

And finally, for now, back to M.J.'s "Man in the Mirror", http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/08/man-in-mirror.html curiosity about yourself---why did I do that? How did I say such a thing? Where was I coming from when I made that choice?  When did I start this as a habit? What are my values?---is one of the paths to self-understanding and personal growth.

I certainly would not want to see a therapist who thought they knew it all before I walked in the door. And, I find that my own interest in finding out about, trying to understand, my patient's unique perspective is what leads me to give good attention.
 Sometimes asking beats telling.

The Man In The Mirror

Michael Jackson, a controversial figure to be sure, gave us this song. Here was a person who spent his life reviled by some and adored by others, ridiculed in the media and worshipped by his fans. And, yet despite that massive and constant distraction, was able to generate this idea:
...If you want the world to be a better place
Take a look at yourself and, change...
This is a poem, if you will,about introspection and responsibility. It directs us, admonishes us, to be accountable. To whom? To ourselves. Did Michael Jackson, the quintessential public figure, heed his own advice? The answer to that is private, as is your own answer to that question. Whether or not you take a look at the man in the mirror,that is, whether you self-reflect or not, is your own business. It is a choice.
There are people who choose to go through life, unaware. they would rather not self-observe, question their own behavior, wonder---"What makes me tick?" This is, as a matter of fact, most people. Once adulthood is achieved, and basic needs are met, their choice is to be comfortable. They'd like to do things that are familiar and at which they are already competent. Awkward,unusual,challenging experiences are left behind-in childhood and adolescence.

Scott Peck wrote about the unusual individual who pursues new practices and wishes to be self-informed in his book, The Road Less Traveled (a best-seller) and so did Abraham Maslow in his books and research on "the self-actualizing person". Those who choose the lesser traveled road toward becoming self-aware may commit to this path early on as a life-long pursuit. Others come to it later---sometimes as a result of a life-crisis which may force a re-evaluation.
Some of the people who present themselves as patients in a therapy office are on this path.

Take a Look

http://peacecenter.berkeley.edu

Shyly

Circumspect, thoughtful, and reserved might be other words to describe what might usually be called "shy" as in a shy person or shy behavior.

A surprisingly high number of people would, if honest, describe themselves as shy. Certainly many of us feel shy at times. In the Western Culture this is usually experienced as problematic. Why is that?
Partly because we are a culture that values extroversion. If you are invited to a party and you don't want to go, it requires that you have an excuse. The best excuse is another social event that you are already obligated to.
The common question preluding an invitation, "What are you doing Friday?" feels a little uncomfortable. If you don't have something already scheduled, are you going to be suddenly stuck doing something you don't want to do? What if you wanted to spend Friday puttering around in your yard and relaxing alone in the evening? Might be difficult to say that to someone who is asking for your company. If you say you choose to spend that time alone rather than with this friend or friends, they might be insulted.

There are cultures that value introversion--some Eastern Cultures, for example. I once saw a Japanese documentary about a woman who was a cancer patient. The doctors in the hospital where she was being cared for had to hold a big meeting about her. She was causing a problem: She was going around the hospital, engaging other patients in conversations. Worse yet, she was sharing her diagnosis and her experience with it and asking the other patients what they were hospitalized for, how they were feeling and so forth.
It occurred to me that in America, this story would be the exact opposite.
We do seem to consider an ill person quietly spending time alone as isolating themselves. A person alone, for example, dining out alone, can be cause for concern.

Carl Jung, one of our wonderful theorists in psychology coined these terms, introversion and extroversion,which are now in common usage. But, they have taken on a flavor which he did not intend. To describe someone as an extrovert is usually complimentary and introversion is often equated with depression. Actually, what these terms refer to is how an individual is stimulated and relaxed. Introverts receive much stimulation from inside. That is, they can be excited, interested, entertained by their own thoughts and solo activities. It is relaxing for an introverted type to have time to themselves. Extroverts get restless with too much time alone and thrive on outside stimulation from other people or exciting events. Their thinking is stimulated by others and they enjoy solving problems with others. Relaxation for an extrovert is a party.
It would be a mistake to assume that introverts are always quiet; an introverted person can have excellent social skills. One misconception is that extroverts are always noisy or talkative or just out-there. However, there are all kinds of extroverts, including Reticent Extroverts. They still prefer the outside stimulation but may be shy.

Many ideas have been written about how to combat shyness; they are probably well-known to you, the reader (such as, make the other person talk about themselves or, if you have to do a presentation, imagine everyone in the audience in their underwear, etc.). Of course, these notions pre-suppose that shyness is viewed as a problem.
As the human genome continues to be researched and understood, we will undoubtedly find some combinations of genes that create a predilection for shyness. Hopefully, we will move toward realizing that this is just a variation of part of a personality type. It's not bad or good. It's one way to be. That's all.
My thought is, if you feel shy, don't let it stop you from doing what you want to do. Just do it in a shy way. A shy person in our sometimes frenetic social world can be refreshing. Shyness can be charming. Shy people balance flaming socialites.
We need both in the world, the warmth of the socially comfortable and the calm of the quietly shy.

When I began graduate school,it was some years after I had finished college. I felt very unsure about whether or not I would be able to succeed. When I began, I found myself in small seminar settings where class discussion was an expectation. At first, I couldn't participate. My silence made me more and more uncomfortable. So, I had to deal with my shyness. I decided finally, that at the next class I went to and every new class I took, I would say something, anything, right away. It worked. It 'broke the ice' for me. However, my voice was quiet and I certainly was not entertaining or dominating. In other words, I did it in a shy way.

Carl Jung thought that we came into the world with these tendencies, toward extroversion or introversion and that we were roughly divided by half and half. He presented these two ways of being as natural and equal.
Do you know a shy person who brings value into your life?

A Suggestion:

In Berkeley, California there is a place called the Center for the Development of Peace and Well-Being. Their very worthwhile publication is titled, Greater Good. You might like to visit their website. It is: http://peacecenter.berkeley.edu.
My opinion: This is a non-moralistic, scientific, compassionate effort to make a positive contribution.
These people are on a quest for kindness and on a mission to figure out how we can all be better-ourselves and, to one another.
The genuine article.

The Geography of Your Friendships

"A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 Each of your relationships has a different degree of importance to you. Some may be almost equal, some may be quite different and yet, still, both valuable. An interesting exercise is to create a diagram of you in your relationships: You do this by drawing on a piece of paper concentric circles with a space in-between each circle, like a target. In the center circle goes your name. In the space between the line surrounding your name and the next circle goes the people closest to you in your life---your 'inner-circle'. The next person or people can go on the next line or in the next section. Some lines may have more than one name on them, and the circle design allows for that. As you continue, you will eventually get to those on the outermost circle who would be called acquaintances.

This is about the relationships; the question to ask yourself to determine who goes where is: How important is this relationship to me? Of course, you must listen to your true inner response for this diagram to be useful. Some of your answers will be obvious, some may surprise you.

When you finish, you will have a sort of map of yourself in relationship to others at this moment in time. Of course this picture evolves over time, for all of us. Or, once you have the picture, you may have some thoughts about purposely changing how this is working in your life.

It seems that we have a choice about whom we allow into our life or, if that doesn't seem to be completely the case for you, at least, there is always a choice about the degree of importance that you, yourself, assign to any particular relationship. It is my contention that we ought to seek out and nurture relationships with others who are encouraging to us, who, perhaps embody a quality that we find lacking in ourselves, or who in some way represent a positive force in our own life experience.
Have you ever lost a friend because one of you moved or some other happenstance occurred, and, surprisingly, found life was better without that individual's presence? Or that you felt relieved? Sometimes we fall into relationships out of convenience or propinquity or because that person pursued us. It is interesting to note when that happens.

Psychological theory tells us, however, that most of the time, we will naturally choose friends or become close with relatives, or partner in our work lives with others, who are functioning at about our own developmental level. We are usually attracted to people who are our equals and relationships with others who are more 'needy' or more defensive fall away naturally. But it is possible to do this with awareness.

As a child, if you were fortunate enough to have thoughtful parents, they did this for you. Most parents encourage their kids to be pals with other children whom they deem to be a 'good influence'. Part of being an adult is to be a good parent to yourself.
Wouldn't it be self-loving to seek out others who raise our spirits? Or who challenge us intellectually or athletically? Or who seem to draw the best out in us? It may sound too calculating to have your thinking cap on when you are making decisions about friends. But, I think that this process is going on anyway. Why not do it consciously?

Did you do this exercise?  Let us know what you found out.

How's The Fit?

Is happiness a fleeting feeling for you or are you profoundly satisfied with your life---or somewhere in-between?
Try on this idea for size: Your life should fit you like a glove.
Comfortable, not too big, not too limiting---there should be some wiggle room and you are able to function well in it.

The many people I've come to know in my office have convinced me that we are each unique. Yes, of course there are commonalities---that helps us to join clubs, form social groups, and understand each other. But, nonetheless, although most of the problems people present to me are the same ones; the way the individual sees it and the resolution are always one-of-a-kind.
Forget about lumping people together or, certainly, viewing yourself as part of a generality; you are the only one of you. So! What do you need, for this life to fit?

Make an attempt to stand outside of yourself and view your life objectively. Maybe there's too much of something (work? obligated time? drinking?) or not enough (fun with friends, independence, creative outlet). Possibly you live in a place that doesn't express who you are. Maybe you live in an area where you feel like an outsider or, fortunately, you live in a place that feels like home.
Let's consider work for a moment: What are you good at? Some people are quite conceptual in their thinking style---if you are and you can use that in your job (professor, custom car painter, landscape architect) , you will feel satisfied. Some people are able to fit things together, finish the puzzle, find the one thing that's wrong or missing or, just what's needed to add the finishing touch (mechanic, artist, housekeeper). If you have this natural ability to see and deal well with details you will feel effective in a job that uses that skill.
How about your social life: Not enough or, overwhelming or, just right in the amount but the wrong people or activities? Friday night is an automatic high for some people; it is the beginning of a social whirl--- happy and relaxed going from one event to another---a party here, a concert there---and interacting with people, a lot. Others can hardly wait for the weekend to get some 'time to themselves'. Down-time means time alone, curled up with a good book, or taking off on a long, meditative run.
Interests: Do you pursue the things you are truly interested in? A relative of mine has a long-standing and deeply-held interest in trains. He has spent every bit of time he can get off from work researching and reading, about trains--- history, current routes, the future of this form of transportation and so on. His vacations are spent riding each train trip that exists. He will continue until he has ridden them all, in this country and in other parts of the world. Why? He is fascinated.
I have a neighbor who has a garden so beautiful it is a surprise to see. She spends plenty of time there, tending it, developing it, designing it. She gives magnificent bouquets to the people in her life. They are usually astonished, always pleased. She seems to lose herself in that garden.
She is in her joy.
So, there are 2 simple examples of individuals differentiating themselves.
My message to you, my reader: Strive to thrive.

This blog is about

As a psychotherapist, in full-time private practice, my thoughts are stimulated, my heart is touched, new ideas are generated; I am learning, wondering, and reflecting as a result of my days spent engaged with my patients as they talk with me about the most personal and most perplexing aspects of their lives.

Sitting in my office, the world comes in and informs me; I learn of things I would have never suspected. This part might be interesting to you, the reader.

My greatest ambition for this blog, however, is that your intuition will be triggered, your feelings may come into focus, that you will expand, grow, or think something new. I hope it will contribute to the efforts of individuals who are trying to become better at being themselves.

Note: While descriptive examples may sometimes be given, anonymity, privacy and confidentiality of my patients, past and present will always be maintained.

Other times, I will simply be discussing concepts that are evolving out of my work.

Serious and honest responses to my offerings will be welcome and appreciated.