The Beautiful Colors of Nature

See Me, Hear Me, Feel Me, Touch Me

At Herrick Hospital Grand Rounds this week, we heard a presentation by Robert Levenson. PhD about his on-going research on empathy-a subject that has received some attention on this blog.
Using the line from a well-known song as a way to organize his findings so far, he divides empathy into four types:

1. See Me
refers to the ability to interpret ques, such as body language, tone of voice, actions or even, non-action.  You are able to see a person sitting across from you-perhaps a stranger-waiting at the social security office, the pharmacy, the bank, etc.  You notice him fidgeting, then see his eyes darting about, maybe he's sweating some; you can deduce that he is nervous or apprehensive about something.  You don't necessarily care, but you can notice and interpret the signals.
2. Feel Me
happens when the other's state is picked up by you.  You empathize emotionally.  You actually feel, at least a degree of, what the other is feeling.  It may be that their, let's say loss, triggered memories of a loss in your own life.  Or possibly you just experience the contagiousness of emotional states (I first noticed this myself, years ago, in a waiting room for an internship interview with other candidates).
3.Touch Me/Heal Me
This is when one or both of the above have taken place and you feel sympathy.  "Pro-social behavior" occurs.  Your concern for another stirs you to do something to reduce their distress.
One note:  Helpful behavior can also occur without feeling sympathetic.
Also, one research result is that the older people get, the less apt people are to accurately discern as in #1.  And yet, at the same time, as they age, they become more likely to help once they become aware of someone suffering.
On the other hand, as people mature ( and gain experience), while the gradual cognitive decline may lead them to miss some cues, they are better able to pick up nuances and subtleties (maybe #2).
Of course, Dr Levenson couldn't explain all these sub-types of behavior, but, that's what research does, gets the facts.
Second note:  Some individuals are gifted with being especially perceptive.  Maybe you know someone like this.  Some may become helping or health care professionals or teachers.  Therapists have all three systems firing, but, they have to discipline themselves in the treatment room.  It sometimes happens that a therapist has to say to a patient who is suffering, 'you brought this on yourself' because it nudges them forward in their growth.  The therapist may be sitting on their own tears of sympathy.  We have to go against our own instincts to be helpful to the patient.  It can be, at times, a "heroically selfless act" to work as a psychotherapist.
Dr Levenson also pointed out that there are some individuals, particularly adept at assessing the interior state of another, who may use this information for manipulative purposes.
Note three:  a person can, for various reasons (brain injury, character disorder, etc.) have problems in any one of the systems listed above.  It is possible to have a problem in one and have the others functioning fine.  If you notice that in yourself, it would be a useful issue to present to your therapist.

Suffice it to say, 'fight or flight' (anger or fear) are not all there is.  We are complicated creatures.

Credit:  Robert Levenson , PhD, Director, Institute of Personality and Social Research, Professor, Department of Psychology, UC Berkeley, May 10, 2010

Children Full of Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=armP8TfS9Is

A beautiful (short) film clip of compassion and how the therapeutic process can take place in many settings.  We can experience transformation in parts of our lives other than the therapy office.

Close Encounter of The Wild Kind

When you have encountered a wild animal, how did it affect you?  I would be interested in hearing your experiences.
I was outside, standing alone, it was quiet.  Suddenly, a big bird jettisoned out of the sky, felt too close to me and veered back up making a v shape.  In that instant I felt that animal's essence.  I had a moment of knowing it's way of being.
The words that come to mind to describe it are:
Doing
Focused
Instinctual
Primitive
Basic
Oriented
Determined
Adult
Purposeful
Intent
Strong
Sure
Vibrant
Powerful
Right now, in the Springtime, animals are at their most robust.  There's water available but it isn't raining, there's plenty to eat, they are mating and getting ready to reproduce, the air is clean, and the weather is kind.  They are in their element and full of strength and vigor.
This bird was doing what it does, and doing it neutrally---in that  there was no right or wrong, no moral imperatives, no questioning.  It was just living in the doing of what a bird does.
It occurred to me, in reflecting upon this intense albeit brief, encounter, that we humans have the capacity of wild animals at our core.  The overlays (remember the onion skin metaphor in an earlier post) tend to muffle this basic, primitive, simple and straightforward part of ourselves.
A bird, or a fox, or a bear do not second guess themselves.
~~~~~~~~
I shared this story with my colleague, Tom Clark.  When I finished, he said two things:
"Free as a bird!"
and, "You should write about this on your blog."  And so I did.

Spring

Nature offers us a demonstration of rebirth, renewal, and new life during Spring.

Men Feeling Controlled

"Sexy women seem powerful to men."
"Being a man is like being a diabetic in a candy shop."
"She's very attractive.  Maybe she's just using me."
"I am controlled at work.  I'm controlled  by my family.  Now you want to control me.  To control what I wear!  To MY  bowling league!"
"Stop telling me what to do."

All real quotes from real people.
Each is from a different man---one an electrician, one a medical intern, one a CEO, a chef, and one, a therapist himself.

Sometimes women puzzle over this, not universal, but-at the same time-not uncommon, reaction by men to them.  A female boss is very difficult for some men.  An attractive female teacher can be experienced by a male student as almost overwhelmingly powerful.  A female physician is sometimes, confusing.

A wife or a girlfriend, though, asking her man to do something or making a suggestion---a person who, theoretically, should be in an egalitarian position to him---may get an angry reaction like one of the last two quoted above.  Why is a request or a suggestion by one's partner so often heard as a command?
When  I asked the CEO these questions, he said:  "Most men yearn for control because they don't have it.  But they don't really realize what they are yearning for."
Males are socialized to never feel helpless:  They are the ones who are expected to have the answers, to manage the problems, to be strong in the face of all challenges, to always be on top of things.  So, possibly when someone else is seen as trying to direct their behavior, it feels like a threat to their identity.
Hers may be a simple request in the hopes of supporting their sex life together-such as, "...please shave off that beard."-the sex life presumably being something he would also be interested in preserving.  And yet he hears it as another instance of someone limiting his choices.
Perhaps he is feeling not so powerful in the world.  His circumstances may cause him to have to compromise his identity most of the time.  The one place where he can speak up about it is with his closest person, his intimate partner.  So her requests may be met with resistance, defensiveness, or even some of the pent up resentment accumulated from other areas of his life.
(Thus, a misunderstanding and an inappropriate expression of power, undermines a marriage.)

``A less usual, but no less real, pattern in men is the one who wants to completely give over all responsibility to his wife and let her run the show.  He gets to primarily focus on his own interests and lets her make most of the decisions and take care of business.  I mention this opposite rendition-the 180* other side of the coin- of the control issue, for the sake of completeness, but, we'll discuss these guys another time.``

So, here's the practical question that comes out of the conundrum for women, of being in a relationship with a man who is sensitive/reactive to what seem to him like hierarchical moves:  Men---how can women say what they think or ask for what they want in a way that won't trigger this negative sensation?

Looking for some ideas from men...

Please join the conversation by commenting below-

A Bunch!

My recent plan has been to do a Blog2book when I reached 100 posts.
I just discovered that I have already written 116.
116 blog posts is a bunch!
I am happily continuing in this self-made writing gig.
Smiles.  Having fun.  Expressing myself.  Sharing what I know.  Telling you about the ones who inspire me (books, clients, philosophers, colleagues, friends.)

Invitation:  Those of you who are reading the blog but have not yet become a follower---I would be encouraged if you did ;-)

Your Side of The Street

If you are currently in therapy yourself and want to get the most out of it, here are some tips:

1.  Setting up a pattern in your brain.
If it is possible to arrange with your counselor to meet on the same day each week, do so.  A few days before your session, begin taking a self-survey.  Notice what is coming up for you.  Next, begin to learn to allow a natural prioritization to take place within; see what bubbles up to the top as feeling like it's the most important to you.  This is probably the topic which will lead you to the most growth.  At your session, all plans aside, present what is on your mind and in your heart at that moment.  After your session, if you can do something quiet or in solitude for awhile, it a good idea to give yourself a chance to absorb what went on in the session.  Do not go to a friend and discharge all the associations and  feelings that were generated in you during the appointment.  You dissipate the psychic energy of the therapy process by doing that.  Keep it to yourself (maybe you can think of it as your personal treasure).  Then, during the next few days, reflect upon what occurred in your visit and notice if anything comes up in you as a result of what you and your therapist talked about.

Take a day off and then  begin your prep for your coming session---and now, as you can see, you are putting your brain into a healthy pattern.
Practice this and, eventually, it will become natural to you.

2.  What to expect.
Some clients who are brand new to therapy expect it to be like it is at the doctor's office when the patient says what's wrong and the doc writes out a prescription.  Psychotherapy is not like that; it is a collaborative process.

3.  How to use your time.
All is 'grist for the mill':  Bring your problems, your questions, your feelings, your quandaries, your wishes, your plans, your successes, your insights, your ideas, your past, your thoughts,--- whatever is pertinent to you.  It is your time to explore.

4.  Absorbing what is offered.
Back to the two-way street:  Your therapist will have some observations to share, some suggestions, some questions, in response to what you present---try to take those in and respond to them.

5.  Let me know if this was helpful!                                                  

A Two-Way Street

In a discussion with Lauren Mcleod about learning, we were talking about what is required for new learning to take place.  When I said:  "Sometimes it takes repetition." Lauren said:  "Not if you are open to it."  If you are receptive and open in your therapy, not only to what your therapist offers, but, also, to what emerges in you, you will have the best chance of getting the most out of it.  Of course, this requires some degree of trust.  Maybe you need to assure yourself o f your therapist's credentials before you begin, maybe you need answers to some questions you have about the therapist's experience, or maybe, it will just take some time.  But if you are in therapy, it would be to your advantage to pay attention to how open you are in that relationship.

Today in a session I had with one of my patients who is a long-term recovering alcoholic, he quoted an AA saying;  " You can't give it away if you don't have it."  And this is the other side of the coin.  It seems to me to be most important for the person in the therapist's chair to have been and be in their own growth process.  A therapist is not a guru, shouldn't be a know-it-all, nor should they think they  have all the answers.  What you want for your witness, your guide, is a person who is in process, themselves.  The therapist must be learning and developing constantly.  There is a difference---between you and the therapist, between the therapist and your friends or relatives---that difference is, training, watching many others go through problems to reach resolution, and more experience with self-evaluation.  However, it seems to me that the therapist should be engaged in the act of introspection and in their own efforts of personal development just as their patient is.

Psychotherapy is a two-way street:  Both the patient and the therapist must take responsibility for their part in creating the healing relationship.

Do you think of your therapy as a collaboration?