If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work.Christine Carter, UC Berkeley Commencement Speech
Sunday, May 29, 2011
"...advice for a life well-lived."
If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work.Christine Carter, UC Berkeley Commencement Speech
Friday, May 27, 2011
Are You New?
For Newcomers to this Blog:
At this moment, there are 211 posts on this blog. That's a lot of information on psychology, about human nature, about relationships, philosophy, and personal growth and development. Of those 211, %97.5 are are as current today as the day I wrote them. And they will be pertinent and useful for a long time. These posts are not time dependent.
So, please, don't miss out on discovering a discussion of something you are particularly interested in. There are posts on:
Out of over 200, these are just a few. There's a lot to make use of here. I want you to enjoy the blog.
Please peruse!
Which ones did you like? Tell me.
So, please, don't miss out on discovering a discussion of something you are particularly interested in. There are posts on:
- Shyness
- Depression
- Curiosity (Not a Know-It All is the title of a post focused on that state of mind)
- There are many meditations
- Articles on empathy: See Me, Hear Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, is one
- Gratitude
- Altruism & Helping Others (Not Easily Impressed)
- Gift Giving
- Your personal assets, a test you can take to learn what they are
- Friendship (A Novel Idea)
- Your own development (How's the Fit Re-visited, #4-meaning 4th in a series on that topic)
- Therapy, Doing Something About It & A Two-Way Street are examples of 2 titles on this subject
- Stress
- With a View to Plenty and the follow-up, Clarification by Sahib Amar, about abundance
- The series about Unfinished Business within oneself
- Independence & Intimacy, one of many about relating to others and relationships
- Eating Disorders
- Nourishment For The Soul is a short post about a little-known but wondrous psychological theory
- Influencing your own future in life is addressed in several posts, a fascinating possibility
Out of over 200, these are just a few. There's a lot to make use of here. I want you to enjoy the blog.
Please peruse!
Which ones did you like? Tell me.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Meditation
Friday, May 20, 2011
So, You Want To Be Free
The Wish For Personal Freedom vs. Reality
"Brother. Sister. So you want to be free. To live your life the way you want to be."
These are the opening lyrics to a song recorded by the artist, Seal
.
I seem to be hearing a lot about the subject of freedom in my therapy office lately. Of course, this is coming from patients who enjoy living in a country which has the Bill of Rights; the Bill of Rights guarantees us many freedoms, such as freedom of speech, the freedom to practice the religion of our choice, the right to a trial in the case of being criminally prosecuted, and many more. Abraham Maslow, who studied and wrote about the human being's potential for positive development, would say that it is for this very reason-the fact that we already have all these freedoms-that we might be able to imagine even more.
What the people I am thinking about now are hankering for is freedom from societal constraints.
Here are some examples: A 25 year old male patient (who is with me due to drug abuse, now 'clean and sober'), completed junior college, had planned to go on to a four year university to earn his degree but now has decided he doesn't really like school and that is it very freeing to him to consider giving up college. He has been in a steady relationship with a young woman and now has begun seeing others and recently broke up with her. He has declared that it feels so much better
to him to 'play the field'. He was athletic and has freed himself from the constraints of being a part of a team. He enjoys playing the guitar and it comes to him rather naturally. So, he is planning to become a musician and imagines making lots of money very easily. His first role model, his Dad, actually earned his advanced academic degree during the early years of Jason's youth. His Dad is now in his profession and still working very hard. Thus, Jason had an example of someone spending a lot of energy on achieving a goal and realizing that goal. However, rather than looking at it this way, he sees his Dad as being too serious. He avoids his Dad because he doesn't want to be around anyone who might rain on his parade. So although he began following in his father's footsteps, he, for now anyway, has chosen to veer off into a different path.
The second patient I am struck with as I think about this wish for freedom is a 46 year old woman, a breast cancer survivor who, just as she was about to make the 5 year mark, cancer-free, has been diagnosed with a metastasis. She is now in a situation where the cancer will not be cured. It can be managed for awhile. She will, (over a long period of time) gradually feel worse and worse. She now calls it a "condition"; it is a chronic, progressive, terminal condition. Right now though, she is functioning almost normally---working, attending to her teen-age child's needs, and generally maintaining her life. But, she had an affair, an affair with an old work acquaintance. This man, whom she hadn't seen in years, had previously been a flirtation, someone she was quite attracted to. But that was long before the cancer diagnosis and she is a married woman so she resisted the temptation. Her rationalization for betraying her husband now is that she has this horrible condition and she should, therefore, be able to do what she wants. She feels somewhat self-righteous about how she is suffering, what she is facing, and her right to do as she pleases and have fun now, while she can.
What do you think about these two situations? Are these people making the right choices?
I've been noticing this wish for personal freedom as, at least, a sub-theme, in a number of my cases lately. Probably it has always been present but being so prominent in these two cases has high-lighted it for me. Other ways that people may more commonly and less dramatically try for this sensation is through consuming alcohol to disinhibit themselves or by going to places where they are a stranger; some people think, especially when they are in a foreign country, that common sense and common courtesy no longer apply.
What are some other methods that people may use to feel free? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on this.
It seems to me that, as social animals, we are bound to live in the midst of others. It doesn't seem possible, under that condition, to escape all rules of conduct. There are some who isolate themselves from other people; we usually call them hermits or a recluse or, an eccentric. It isn't considered normal to completely cut oneself off from interaction with others.
So, how possible is it to have it both ways---not too possible I think. It's sometimes called "having your cake and eating it too."
As children, we clearly don't have much freedom (school, parents), as adolescents we long for the apparent freedom of adulthood because, as teens we still have school, parents, rules, curfews, etc. But it seems that the glittering world of adulthood actually has even more rules, regulations, codes, obligations, and responsibilities, which we find out when we get there! Not so glamorous, huh!
But to live in harmony with others, we can't steal, run our car as fast as we want no matter where we are, ignore whatever role we might be playing in any institution and think only of what we want for ourselves, arrive at work whenever we feel like it, etc. Other people will get mad! Other people will protest!
The achievement of a college degree or a high school diploma or a certification in a trade or craft requires more than just obeying the law. It also demands self-discipline. However, this kind of training means it will be easier to be hired in a desired job. It usually means a higher income.
To enjoy the benefit of a companion who commits to sharing your life with you requires tremendous self-restraint---in what you do (and don't do!), in how and where you spend your time, your energy, and in on-going attention.
A radiologist, in this country makes an incredibly high salary-about $350,000. per year. But doctors have to complete 24-25 years of school and residency programs. It is a prolonged period of self-discipline and there is a pay-off.
"Freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose." Janis Joplin, song title: Me and Bobby McGee.
I think that we can function very well and be healthy mentally if we simply take the constraints of the business, legal, and social world as a given and don't try too hard to escape. After all, we always get to think, privately, whatever we want!!! A true and permanent freedom.
"Brother. Sister. So you want to be free. To live your life the way you want to be."
These are the opening lyrics to a song recorded by the artist, Seal
.I seem to be hearing a lot about the subject of freedom in my therapy office lately. Of course, this is coming from patients who enjoy living in a country which has the Bill of Rights; the Bill of Rights guarantees us many freedoms, such as freedom of speech, the freedom to practice the religion of our choice, the right to a trial in the case of being criminally prosecuted, and many more. Abraham Maslow
, who studied and wrote about the human being's potential for positive development, would say that it is for this very reason-the fact that we already have all these freedoms-that we might be able to imagine even more.What the people I am thinking about now are hankering for is freedom from societal constraints.
Here are some examples: A 25 year old male patient (who is with me due to drug abuse, now 'clean and sober'), completed junior college, had planned to go on to a four year university to earn his degree but now has decided he doesn't really like school and that is it very freeing to him to consider giving up college. He has been in a steady relationship with a young woman and now has begun seeing others and recently broke up with her. He has declared that it feels so much better
to him to 'play the field'. He was athletic and has freed himself from the constraints of being a part of a team. He enjoys playing the guitar and it comes to him rather naturally. So, he is planning to become a musician and imagines making lots of money very easily. His first role model, his Dad, actually earned his advanced academic degree during the early years of Jason's youth. His Dad is now in his profession and still working very hard. Thus, Jason had an example of someone spending a lot of energy on achieving a goal and realizing that goal. However, rather than looking at it this way, he sees his Dad as being too serious. He avoids his Dad because he doesn't want to be around anyone who might rain on his parade. So although he began following in his father's footsteps, he, for now anyway, has chosen to veer off into a different path.
The second patient I am struck with as I think about this wish for freedom is a 46 year old woman, a breast cancer survivor who, just as she was about to make the 5 year mark, cancer-free, has been diagnosed with a metastasis. She is now in a situation where the cancer will not be cured. It can be managed for awhile. She will, (over a long period of time) gradually feel worse and worse. She now calls it a "condition"; it is a chronic, progressive, terminal condition. Right now though, she is functioning almost normally---working, attending to her teen-age child's needs, and generally maintaining her life. But, she had an affair, an affair with an old work acquaintance. This man, whom she hadn't seen in years, had previously been a flirtation, someone she was quite attracted to. But that was long before the cancer diagnosis and she is a married woman so she resisted the temptation. Her rationalization for betraying her husband now is that she has this horrible condition and she should, therefore, be able to do what she wants. She feels somewhat self-righteous about how she is suffering, what she is facing, and her right to do as she pleases and have fun now, while she can.
What do you think about these two situations? Are these people making the right choices?
I've been noticing this wish for personal freedom as, at least, a sub-theme, in a number of my cases lately. Probably it has always been present but being so prominent in these two cases has high-lighted it for me. Other ways that people may more commonly and less dramatically try for this sensation is through consuming alcohol to disinhibit themselves or by going to places where they are a stranger; some people think, especially when they are in a foreign country, that common sense and common courtesy no longer apply.
What are some other methods that people may use to feel free? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on this.
So, how possible is it to have it both ways---not too possible I think. It's sometimes called "having your cake and eating it too."
As children, we clearly don't have much freedom (school, parents), as adolescents we long for the apparent freedom of adulthood because, as teens we still have school, parents, rules, curfews, etc. But it seems that the glittering world of adulthood actually has even more rules, regulations, codes, obligations, and responsibilities, which we find out when we get there! Not so glamorous, huh!
But to live in harmony with others, we can't steal, run our car as fast as we want no matter where we are, ignore whatever role we might be playing in any institution and think only of what we want for ourselves, arrive at work whenever we feel like it, etc. Other people will get mad! Other people will protest!
The achievement of a college degree or a high school diploma or a certification in a trade or craft requires more than just obeying the law. It also demands self-discipline. However, this kind of training means it will be easier to be hired in a desired job. It usually means a higher income.
A radiologist, in this country makes an incredibly high salary-about $350,000. per year. But doctors have to complete 24-25 years of school and residency programs. It is a prolonged period of self-discipline and there is a pay-off.
"Freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose." Janis Joplin, song title: Me and Bobby McGee.
I think that we can function very well and be healthy mentally if we simply take the constraints of the business, legal, and social world as a given and don't try too hard to escape. After all, we always get to think, privately, whatever we want!!! A true and permanent freedom.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Walking Our Own Life Path
S. Coleman and M. Porter
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
"Thorns and Roses"
~Jen. Play. Give. Trust. Touch. Take care of others. Moderation. Laughter. Virtue. Justice.
For a period, I did write on the subject of happiness. Time to re-visit that subject. We've put considerable attention here on the troubles of life, how to identify them, and, what can be done about them. Yet, positive emotions are just as important and carry just as much gravitas and impact on our life experience.
Today I heard Dacher Keltner, PhD, Professor of Psychiatry, U.C. Berkeley speak on this topic. He talked about the science of compassion and the physiology of altruism amongst other things related to the subject of happiness as humans. Happiness at age 70 adds almost 2 years to our lifespan he explained. "Happiness is associated with good health."And, happiness at work leads to more successful performance, boosts creative thought, and enhances negotiating skills. Research has shown that of 15 countries studied, the U. S.-with all of our freedom and physical comforts, and educational opportunities, is the 2nd least happy country in the world, at least at the age of 18.
What are some of the things that we know lead to enhanced health and happiness? Humans are social beings. We need personal support and social connection ourselves and we need to be empathetic and helpful to others. When we see suffering we naturally respond-don't ignore that response. Help, if you can; it will be good for you. While the amygdala in the brain picks up threat and modern day stressors are often perceived that way, cortisol is released and too much cortisol leads to shortened teleomeres On the other hand, when we see suffering, it activates a very old, long-standing part of our brain that wants to respond (because we are social animals-just like the Bonobo monkey). The response releases oxytocin which cascades through the organs of our body and stimulates care taking impulses.
How to be happier and healthier:
(Credit: Much of the above was gleaned from a talk entitled Born to Be Good: Lessons From the Science of a Meaningful Life. For more information go to the Greater Good Science Center website and to the book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers)
Related posts: From the Outside In. Harvey. Happiness. The Easy Way. Happiness and Preferences. Success. Happiness Note. More On Happiness. Spring. Children Full of Life. Nourishment to the Soul. Your Aliveness. Just for Fun. A Little Lottery Win Each Day, and more. Peruse the blog, there are a number of posts on this topic.
For a period, I did write on the subject of happiness. Time to re-visit that subject. We've put considerable attention here on the troubles of life, how to identify them, and, what can be done about them. Yet, positive emotions are just as important and carry just as much gravitas and impact on our life experience.Today I heard Dacher Keltner, PhD, Professor of Psychiatry, U.C. Berkeley speak on this topic. He talked about the science of compassion and the physiology of altruism amongst other things related to the subject of happiness as humans. Happiness at age 70 adds almost 2 years to our lifespan he explained. "Happiness is associated with good health."And, happiness at work leads to more successful performance, boosts creative thought, and enhances negotiating skills. Research has shown that of 15 countries studied, the U. S.-with all of our freedom and physical comforts, and educational opportunities, is the 2nd least happy country in the world, at least at the age of 18.
What are some of the things that we know lead to enhanced health and happiness? Humans are social beings. We need personal support and social connection ourselves and we need to be empathetic and helpful to others. When we see suffering we naturally respond-don't ignore that response. Help, if you can; it will be good for you. While the amygdala in the brain picks up threat and modern day stressors are often perceived that way, cortisol is released and too much cortisol leads to shortened teleomeres On the other hand, when we see suffering, it activates a very old, long-standing part of our brain that wants to respond (because we are social animals-just like the Bonobo monkey). The response releases oxytocin which cascades through the organs of our body and stimulates care taking impulses.How to be happier and healthier:
- Be trustworthy and try to trust others: It signals safety.
- Give: If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
- Touch. Emotions can be accurately communicated by touch.
- Play: Laugh often, use your imagination, create nicknames.
- Practice gratitude: Develop reverence for what has been given to you.
)Related posts: From the Outside In. Harvey. Happiness. The Easy Way. Happiness and Preferences. Success. Happiness Note. More On Happiness. Spring. Children Full of Life. Nourishment to the Soul. Your Aliveness. Just for Fun. A Little Lottery Win Each Day, and more. Peruse the blog, there are a number of posts on this topic.
Monday, May 9, 2011
You Can Catch More Flies with Honey Than with Vinegar
How To Be Happier In Your Relationship
Improving your relationship with your partner is something you can do, yourself, by practicing some new, good, relationship-building habits. And, as a bonus, these also work on your other relationships.
Paying attention is really important---not taking that other person for granted. We all do it, but!---it isn't good!!! After all, you don't want to be taken for granted, do you? So, the best thing you can do about avoiding that unhappy experience is to not do it to others, yourself.
So, what do I mean by paying attention? I mean greeting that person at day's end if you live in the same building, noticing what state of mind they seem to be in, really listening if they tell you about a difficulty they encountered that day and being the world's best cheerleader if they have something good to share. Be sure to celebrate when you have a good thing that happens in your life together or even just make a big deal about holidays together. ~ Have happy rituals.~
Try to move away from the blaming tendency. This I see quite often in my office in couples who come in for marriage counseling/couple's counseling. I call it the Blame Frame. It is not productive. What is far better is to take responsibility for yourself. "Accept responsibility for your choices." Fred Luskin. If you have been wounded in your childhood and in other past relationships, it is up to you to not let that infringe on your current relationship(s). It is really a lot to ask of your partner that they avoid doing or saying some things because they may trigger a bad memory of yours.
~Taking responsibility means doing something to heal your own wounds. I know it sounds like a lot to ask---all this responsibility-taking. But, if we are honest, we must recognize that all relationships require effort and many are difficult. So, allowing unfinished business to get in the mix is an unnecessary added burden. Problems are normal and will be there to deal with even without the interference of your personal history. Pertinent post: http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2013/03/then-and-now.html
Also, make it a habit to appreciate your partner rather than to focus on their character flaws (which we all have). Feel whatever affection you truly have for this person and find things to admire. Try not to criticize the other person and especially not to demean nor devalue them. These things are so damaging to the relationship whereas the first actions develop and strengthen the relationship.
It just makes sense to emphasize the positive and try to have it overbalance the negative. Of course, it may seem obvious to you, as you are reading this. And yet, how many of us really try consistently to do this?
Happy couples do these things:
(Some of the above concepts were a part of a presentation by C. Carter and F. Luskin at the workshop, The Science of a Great Relationship)
Did you try any of these suggestions? Would love to hear your comments.
Improving your relationship with your partner is something you can do, yourself, by practicing some new, good, relationship-building habits. And, as a bonus, these also work on your other relationships.
Paying attention is really important---not taking that other person for granted. We all do it, but!---it isn't good!!! After all, you don't want to be taken for granted, do you? So, the best thing you can do about avoiding that unhappy experience is to not do it to others, yourself.
So, what do I mean by paying attention? I mean greeting that person at day's end if you live in the same building, noticing what state of mind they seem to be in, really listening if they tell you about a difficulty they encountered that day and being the world's best cheerleader if they have something good to share. Be sure to celebrate when you have a good thing that happens in your life together or even just make a big deal about holidays together. ~ Have happy rituals.~
Try to move away from the blaming tendency. This I see quite often in my office in couples who come in for marriage counseling/couple's counseling. I call it the Blame Frame. It is not productive. What is far better is to take responsibility for yourself. "Accept responsibility for your choices." Fred Luskin. If you have been wounded in your childhood and in other past relationships, it is up to you to not let that infringe on your current relationship(s). It is really a lot to ask of your partner that they avoid doing or saying some things because they may trigger a bad memory of yours.~Taking responsibility means doing something to heal your own wounds. I know it sounds like a lot to ask---all this responsibility-taking. But, if we are honest, we must recognize that all relationships require effort and many are difficult. So, allowing unfinished business to get in the mix is an unnecessary added burden. Problems are normal and will be there to deal with even without the interference of your personal history. Pertinent post: http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2013/03/then-and-now.html
Also, make it a habit to appreciate your partner rather than to focus on their character flaws (which we all have). Feel whatever affection you truly have for this person and find things to admire. Try not to criticize the other person and especially not to demean nor devalue them. These things are so damaging to the relationship whereas the first actions develop and strengthen the relationship.
It just makes sense to emphasize the positive and try to have it overbalance the negative. Of course, it may seem obvious to you, as you are reading this. And yet, how many of us really try consistently to do this?
Happy couples do these things:
`Pay attention to their partner when it is asked for
`Try to stay calm during a disagreement
`In a fight, talk about their own needs /wishes and not their perceived deficiencies of their partner
`Assess themselves instead and try to change themselves for the better
`Make the relationship and emotional intimacy with their loved one a priority
`Maintain their positive view of their partner
r positive view of their partner
"At any point in time, a relationship is either improving or declining. Relationships are not static." Tom Clark, LCSW
(Some of the above concepts were a part of a presentation by C. Carter
and F. Luskin at the workshop, The Science of a Great Relationship)Did you try any of these suggestions? Would love to hear your comments.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Meditation
Meditation instructions by Amar Khalsa, Kundalini Yoga teacher
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Russian Readers: Special Notice for You
A wonderful, unusual exhibit.
There is an interesting art exhibit coming to Russia in the next 2 weeks.
Check it out here:
http://
This link is fun; it has a slide show, a video, sound track, and even shows the artists (3 collaborators on this project), working on the piece. It is a huge fabric sculpture which was designed especially for Russia.
It's beautiful, dramatic and thought-provoking.
Let me know what you think!
There is an interesting art exhibit coming to Russia in the next 2 weeks.
Check it out here:
http://
This link is fun; it has a slide show, a video, sound track, and even shows the artists (3 collaborators on this project), working on the piece. It is a huge fabric sculpture which was designed especially for Russia.
It's beautiful, dramatic and thought-provoking.
Let me know what you think!
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