How Are You Supposed to Think About Your Therapist
Therapists, with all their training, schooling, continuing education, therapy of their own, ethical standards---all of it that allows them to get to that chair and to stay in it---are still, fallible human beings. We do make mistakes. A lot is expected of us. And so, most of us are very careful. We are prone to look before we leap. Even so, even with all of our communication skills, a therapist can say the wrong thing. A therapist can miss the point. A therapist can challenge the patient in a way that isn't helpful.
The intention is good. Successful outcomes are how we build our reputations. Satisfied clients continue to come to us and send us their friends and family members. In addition, many of us take a personal interest in our clients and are really invested in helping them resolve whatever problem they came with. Beyond compassion, sometimes we come to really care that a client feels well and grows in the way that they want to and develops the kind of gratification in life that they wish for.
So, most of the time, we try really hard. We come to the office in the best condition - emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, - that we can muster. We give each and every hour our best. There's not much room for sloughing off for therapists. You can't really have a bad day at work and just slide through one day or take it easy.
And, yet, even with all that trying, and paying attention, and being selective, we still make mistakes. Usually it's about making the wrong choice.
You'd be surprised how much thinking goes on in a therapist's head during any one session. So, often there are a number of directions to possibly follow; the therapist has to make on-going choices. It is a conscious effort to follow the client's lead while, at the same time, trying to offer options that might be helpful or more productive or provide a learning opportunity. Inevitably, some of those choices that the therapist makes will be wrong.
Also, we forget how powerful our position is with the patient. By that I mean that this person has trusted us with their innermost concerns and feelings; that makes them vulnerable, i.e., in a vulnerable position in relation to the therapist. Handle with care!
However, some people don't in fact feel that way in therapy. I have had more than one person say, "Don't handle me with kid gloves, just give it to me straight." And then others will be so sensitive in the situation that one wrong word from the therapist and they are devastated. So, the therapist has to try to know which person is which. Sometimes even with true good will and every intention of being helpful, a therapist will say something that is taken by the client as a criticism or a failure in sympathy.
While part of our task, as therapists, is to see beneath the surface, some people have quite a different inside from their outside. For example, the personality presented to the world may be competent, confident, and outgoing while the inside is quiet, sensitive, and thoughtful. It can take some time to get to know that inner part and no one, even a therapist may get it all, absolutely right.
It might be unexpected to hear that nerves are much more exposed, usually, in couples counseling than in individual therapy. When your primary partner is there, often the most important person in the world to you, and they are there because your relationship is in trouble, you are on edge. The dynamics in these sessions are complicated, or, can be. Sometimes the deep disappointment in the marriage or the wrath at the partner get turned on the therapist. It can happen in a New York minute! So, these sessions are sometimes really loaded and tense. Thus it is incredibly easy to step on someone's toes.
In the individual sessions, there is just a simpler scene. Not as many surprises for the patient to handle, less fear of getting hurt, and more sense of control about topics and how the course of the session will go. And, yet, in this case, the relationship with the therapist becomes more central. So, an error on the beloved therapist's part can be taken really hard by the patient.
Unless, the same kinds of problems with your therapist are happening again and again, I say give her/him a little room for getting it wrong sometimes. Bring it up. Discuss it. Maybe you can come to a new understanding. Maybe the therapist has to own a mistake. An apology may be in order. Or, perhaps you'll find that you misunderstood.
A lot of missteps by the therapist means you got the wrong one. But one or two, less than perfect acts or statements, should be considered within the reasonable realm of human error. The best part is, this is one place where you should be able to say it, say how you felt or feel about it, get heard, and have a useful discussion.
The last thing I would ever want to do, so I expect other therapists feel the same, is to hurt one of my patients. I am there to help. I do my utmost to be attentive, supportive, kind and constructive. Any mistakes are just that, unintended. So, I expect that this is generally true (of all therapists). If your therapist said something that hurt your feelings, try, at least once, to talk it over. Here's hoping you get a happy resolution!
(To see part one of this series, click on, http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2011/05/imperfect-therapist.html )
It isn't only therapists who are capable of giving this sort of attention. You can do it. Try giving that level of attentiveness to someone in your life when they are trying to express something. (It also feels good to do it!)
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