Wise Words From a Long-term Patient

The woman who talked to me today about how she has learned to manage, what was once a debilitating depression, has been in on-going weekly treatment for a number of years.  Over time, she has come to know herself and, with some trial and error, has learned how to take care of herself  in a way that is effective and also a relief to her family.

Coping with depression:
~When it occurs, I limit myself to 7 days.  If I still feel the same after that time has passed, I will make a life change.  Usually, it has abated by then.
~I don't exacerbate it.  When I feel bad, I don't allow myself to dump more discouraging thoughts upon myself.  So I don't continue to spiral down and feel worse and worse.
~ Continue to function.  ("Fake it 'till you make it")  I fulfill my responsibilities, take care of my child,--- despite feeling somewhat robotlike or, certainly joyless, at times.  Doing this keeps me out in the world, encountering people and new situations, which sometimes helps to change the mood during the 7 days.
~I say to my family what it is that I need at that time.  For example, in that state I am pre-occupied with trying to deal with myself.  So, I don't have much patience nor energy for listening.  I ask them to limit their quests for my attention.
~No externalizing.  For example, when I wake up to find myself depressed, I previously found it convenient to blame men.  However, when I began looking at my history, I realized that I was sometimes visited by depression when I was not even in a relationship with a man.  "I saw that it was not the world shitting on me but how I looked at the world."
~Don't shut out those who care.  I did hurt those close to me before I learned this (when I did do the closing out, that was something else to feel bad about).
~From the movie, Zombieland, I saw that when I learned something I could make a rule and enter it in my journal.  Also, that the rules are not written in stone; they can be amended or changed as needed.

These guidelines came of a long, consistent effort on the part of a person who suffered for years and now is living the majority of her life in a satisfactory state of mind.  When she is visited by depression, she isn't helpless; she has created a personalized program for staying in charge of her life.

Does this woman's story inspire you to try to develop your own self-help list?  What have you come up with?

Chinese New Year

The Year of the Tiger

Celebrating 50

Since beginning on June 26 2009, I have written 50 posts. 

I am very happy about this.  I enjoy knowing that you followers are there.  I have a log from Psychology Today of how many people have looked at the blog from their site and those of their affiliates, I am very interested in the comments I've received and I enthusiastically welcome new readers.

I intend to continue.  More comments will help me to know better what topics would be of interest to you.  Let me know your wishes in that regard and your reactions to the posts I offer.

If you are a new reader, I encourage you to look over the blog from the beginning because it does have a flow to it.  And some posts are follow-ups to previous posts.  Most of what I write about is not time-dependent.

Thank you for reading!

For sharing my thoughts.

And for offering some of yours.

Paula

A Novel Idea

Guys, have you noticed how women tend to hang out with each other?  They like to be together in small groups; they like one-on-one time---just time together, not apparently, doing much.  Visiting.  Talking.  Sometimes like men, they do activities together---they go shopping together, they run marathons, they play ma jong, but---by and large the motivation for women is simply time together.

So, what's the big draw?  Spending time in one another's company is of great benefit to females.  There is simple comfort being in the company of female friends.  There is talking, yes, but it is a special kind of talking.  While one is sharing a trial or a joy, the others listen.  In that moment, they temporarily take it on.  As a result the speaker feels less alone, receives suggestions regarding problems she's presented or enhancement of happy feelings she's offered.

Of course difficulties can develop between women; all interpersonal relationships have their challenges.  I think it is largely a myth that women compete for men.  Most women friends abide by an unwritten law, again very different from males with each other, which amounts to, hands off  your friends' men.  However, other problems like envy, or feeling excluded or, misunderstood can come up.

Yet, the rewards for maintaining female friendships usually make it worth working through such problems.

The phenomenon of women seeking and demonstrating value on time with other women is so common and enduring that there have now been a few studies conducted trying to answer the question of why.  One result is that this experience causes the release of one of our natural human hormones, a chemical our own bodies make.   It is a feel-good, bonding, calming chemical.  

There are  a minority of men who have been able to tap into this experience, at least in part.  True friendship is posssible between a man and a woman.  This is a relationship wherin the man, who may well think of his friend as attractive, is not angling to get physical with her, whose focus is not on her beauty or sexuality.  He's in it for that other good stuff, described above.  Most men though, have not discovered this option.  Most heterosexual men find women so interesting physically that they don't think of taking that out of the picture in favor of another priority.  

Friendships between men can be wonderful in their own way.  It's just that this is another, not often considered, possibility:  To be friends only, and nothing else, with a woman and to benefit from that would be a novel idea for many men.

UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women

"...when she actually engages in ...befriending, studies suggest that...oxytocin is released which...counters stress.

Friendships among women ...shape who we are and who we are yet to be.  They soothe our tumultuous world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are."
Gale Berkowitz

Compassion for Commuters

1.  Listen to 102.1 FM radio; announcers are not radio personalities and all have pleasant-to-beautiful speaking voices.  They say soothing things like, here is a piece that will calm you if you are stressed.
Their commercials are all in a bunch so you can turn down the sound at that time if you want.  The music is classical.

2.  When other drivers---try to pass you on the non-existent right lane, when drivers in a rush get too close to your car and other cars, the unsolicited sharing of high-volume music, motorcycles with extra loud exhaust pipes, drivers who use the freeway exit ramps to pass cars in stop-and-go traffic on the freeway (while you and many others are cooperatively waiting in line), drivers who use too high a speed in rainstorms, tailgaters, people who turn left in front of you when you have the straight road right-of-way, cars parked so close to your driver's side door (in a parking lot ) that you can't get in that door, pedestrians who walk across the street at night in dark clothes where there is no crosswalk, much less street lights, those in stop-and-go traffic who won't let even one car merge in, irritable drivers who get immediately enraged when you make a genuine mistake------try not to entertain the idea that revenge will help you feel better.  It won't.

3.  Take a long, slow, deep breath.  It will slow down your physiology right away.  Make it a habit.  It can become an automatic self-care action.

4.  Consider the thought that another driver who does something wrong did, in fact, make a genuine mistake.

5.  Take a long, slow, deep breath.

Third Look At How's The Fit

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams."  Henry David Thoreau

The Adult Kid

As children develop, parents (hopefully) do too.  We begin parenthood with a completely dependent being, another human who comes with all human needs and zero ability to meet any of them.  This tiny person is also a mystery.  From these two experiences we go, in a fast 20 years, to a fully independent individual whom we know well.
As we go along we are doing two things; we are gradually, very gradually allowing and encouraging more and more autonomy in the growing child.  An 18 month old will venture out toward the swings in the playground sandbox, only to come running back to mom or dad to 'touch base' before trying again---maybe going a bit further next time.  A 15 year old is still working on this same process, albeit in a different way.  A teenager can be fiercely resistant to a parent trying to influence her values and the next minute want to cuddle up in a blanket with mom and the TV.
Alongside this developmental line, the child and the parents are in an on-going process of learning who this person is.  As the parent watches for talents, notices interests, and looks for aptitudes, the child is driven by curiosity to explore the world, to try new things , to test himself.
As fully functioning adults, these questions have finally resolved although never completely.  We are capable of continuing to grow and change, to develop new skills and to test ourselves.  Under great enough stress, most adults will wish for mom or dad to 'save the day'.  But, by and large, we function on our own.
However, there is a developmental stage that is quite challenging to most parents and that is how to be with a daughter or son who is a young adult but needs help.  This week, for example, I had a man in the office who was quite distressed by his 21 year old daughter who had returned home and was showing a number of signs of a life not going well.  She had signed a lease with a boyfriend she was unsure of, had suffered some abuse from him, and was drinking a lot.  She looked unhealthy.  The only stable part of her life was her work where she was fulfilling her responsibilities.  She also was inappropriately rough with her boyfriend's child and when her dad tried to intervene, reacted to him in a harsh manner.  The dad was alarmed.
This is a delicate situation.  Even if the young adult child is doing well, it is a challenge to maneuver in the relationship, as the parent the child is trying to grow out of.  When there are serious problems such as this, it is difficult.  And, in addition, each person and each relationship is different.  Some people like straight talk, some are more sensitive and require a  subtle approach.  Therapy is useful because all of the parts of such a situation that are unique can be taken into consideration while a way to help is worked out.

A few general suggestions that will probably apply in most cases:

Try to provide guidance without being intrusive.
Be available but not inquisitive.
Keep your judgments and disappointed feelings to a minimum.
Hold to an ultimate goal of true friendship with your grown child.
Remember that your needs and that of the family as a whole must always be kept in mind.

The author, Gail Sheehy has done some innovative thinking on adult developmental stages.  If this is a timely topic for you, it might be worth your time to look at some of what she's written.

Have you already learned from making your way through this type of challenge in your own family?  Please comment on what your discoveries were.

Brain Stimulation

Want some practice doing critical thinking?  Watch the TV show, Justice:  Right Thing To Do?
Comcast has it on ch. 22 KRCB.
Some of the recent topics discussed,--- utilitarianism, cannibalism, cost-benefit analysis as applied to human life.
You will have to concentrate to follow this program.

Comforting

"Practicing loving-kindness toward ourselves seems as good a way as any to start illuminating the darkness of difficult times."  Pema Chodron.

Her book, When Things Fall Apart, heart advice for difficult times, can be a comfort when you feel like you are at the end of your rope.  She writes from her own experience, is plain-speaking and in reality.  There is no fluff.  Some people find that reassuring.
Here are a few of her ideas I have culled from repeated visits to this little book:
*Fear is natural
*Nature is calming
  If you have a backyard, let it draw you out.  In any case, just go outside sometimes.
*Give room to all your feeling-relief, grief, joy-give every feeling at least a moment of attention
  Don't resist all the time.
*Make friends with yourself
  (One of my patients came in just after the new year began and said her resolution was to learn to love herself unconditionally).
*Realize "...that whatever occurs is neither the beginning nor the end. It is just the same kind of normal human experience that's been happening to everyday people from the beginning of time".
*Activate your curiosity
*Slow down
 Notice the wonderful aroma of baking bread, appreciate bicyclists, feel the clean cool air on your face after a rain.
*Try not to harm others
*Understand other people when they are troubled in their lives
*Stop striving for perfection
 "...because sooner or later, we're going to have an experience we can't control..."
*Sort out the difference between opinion and fact
*Make use of your sense of humor
*Remember that life is intrinsically challenging when you find yourself struggling with plans and judgments
*Train yourself to relax when the phone rings
*"For some of us, working closely with a non-judgmental therapist allows us to overcome our fears and finally develop loving-kindness for ourselves."

"Learning how to be kind to ourselves, learning how to respect ourselves, is important.  The reason it's important is that, fundamentally, when we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn't just ourselves that we're discovering.  We're discovering the universe."