Your Assets

For the most part, people come to counseling presenting problems, conundrums, puzzles, and personal challenges.  At the same time that we are focusing on that, I also look for the patient's personal assets.  What is this person's strong point?  What are their best traits?  How do their most effective coping mechanisms work?  It seems to me to be important in therapy to see not only what's wrong but, also what is right.

Toward that end, there is some research being conducted about character strengths; this study was recently highlighted on a PBS documentary about human emotional life.  The study has put up a questionnaire online (takes about one half hour to do-you answer with a click, 240 questions or, if you choose, there is also a shorter version).  In return, you get a a list, with a brief description, of your individual character strengths.  They are arranged in descending order, so, your most developed strength is discussed first, at the top of the list, then your second strongest and so on.
www.viasurvey.org
It is all positive so it should be fun and interesting.
It occurred to me in perusing my own results, that those traits at the very bottom of the list could be considered assets to develop.  These might be looked at as assets you already have  that could be strengthened.
So this could be used as a tool for personal growth.  However, you could also, just enjoy it!

The Atlantic, Nova Scotia

Winter can be a time for reflection.

Troubling Happenings

Interpersonal problems:

When something goes wrong between you and someone you care about, try these things:

*Wait and see.  Give it time.  Don't bury it, keep it in mind, keep re-visiting it, keep thinking about it, but don't expect to necessarily solve it immediately.
*Feel your emotions about it.  Notice them.  Identify them.  Be gentle with yourself about them.  But try not to let yourself be overwhelmed by them.
*Try to trust that a solution will occur or a resolution will develop.  Don't let yourself believe that you will be---angry, sad, frustrated, offended or whatever it is that you are feeling---forever.
*Comfort yourself.
*If you happen to hear someone else discussing how they resolved an interpersonal problem, listen.  Pay attention.  Maybe there'll be a good idea you can use or, their idea will stimulate a new one for you.
*For some, talking over an unfortunate interaction like this with a friend can be helpful.  For others, an internal dialog is the most fruitful route.
*It may be that the problem requires working it out with the other or others.  But, often, a change in your own perspective is enough.
*Always remember that in most situations, you have choices.

Did you try any of these ideas?  Were any of them new to you?  How did it go?

Tell Me About It

There's an advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, who writes a column in the newspaper that really packs it in.  In a recent column she answered a letter presenting a problematic relative and asking how to handle her.  Ms. Hax managed, in a few paragraphs, to discuss abuse, victims, how these problems become patterns, our feelings toward them and how to deal with a difficult situation with a family member. 
I don't know what her background or training is.  She lists no credentials by her name.  But it is apparent that she either has a solid education in psychology or she really does her homework on each subject she addresses.
The title of the column I am describing was:  She dishes out what she took.
If you enjoy reading about good coping with common life problems, you might take a look at her column; it's called Tell Me About It.

Meditation

"Be the change that you want to see in the world."  Mahatma Gandhi

Being Santa

"I always ask, 'If this gift could talk, what would it say?'"

Natalie Lee Gian. LPC

Giving a gift is not such a simple thing.  There is motivation behind it.  Sometimes it may indeed be a simple heartfelt offering, a spontaneous moment of generosity or, a wish to share something you value with a person you care about.

However gifts can also communicate something specific to the recipient:  Expanding on the suggestion of the therapist quoted above, here are some possibilities:  The gift may say to the one receiving it, "I was picked out in a hurry." or  "I'm here to impress you." or  "I was a bargain!".

On the other hand, a gift can say, "I am something you like."  "I was made with love."  "I suit you."

I bet you can come up with  many more. 

Many of us feel  pressured and rushed at  this time of year.  Or, we may feel that at other times too---like wedding season, for example!  The challenge posed here to me and to you is offered here on my post not  to add to the demand.  All paths lead to the Self; it is suggested as another way to self reflect.  Just be honest with yourself--this idea is for you.  It could be interesting to examine your own motivations.  

A final note on the subject of gift-giving:  You may be in a situation where you simply feel obligated to give a gift.  Even then, I believe that if you stop and take a moment to really focus on the person the gift is destined for, you'll feel better about the process.

If it is truly a gift from the heart, inexpensive or extravagant, regardless, I submit that your loving intention will be communicated.

~Most of us feel pleased when we sense that we have been thought about by someone in our lives.~

It is often said, to try to combat the commercialism of Christmas, that the most precious gifts are not 

under the tree.  This can be-- rather than trite, actually true.  
Center yourself, take a long, slow, deep breath and be the gift--the gift of affection for those you celebrate with this holiday season.

A Teacher

"...contemplate the fact that a lotus's perfection begins its journey deep within the mud of a pond."
Michael Parkes

Not Easily Impressed

Is that you?  Is it easy for you to criticize?  Do you often feel skeptical?  Do you pride yourself in being a hard sell, not easily impressed?  There's something to be said for withholding false praise, certainly.  And not being easily swayed may be important when, for example, engaged with a car salesman.  Yes, a little reserve and skepticism are appropriate in some situations.  But, if you are too guarded, you and those closely involved in your life, may miss out.

Nearly everyone can benefit from some encouragement.  It must be sincere but, given that, some sincere praise has the power to lift spirits, to infuse another with energy, and to spur new enthusiasm.  Surely children make good use of encouragement in using it to help them grow, try new things, and develop skills.  But all adults,--- elderly adults, mid-life adults, young adults and teenagers, can all be powered by praise.

You have the ability to assist an elderly person with self-appreciation.  Does that person who is older and more experienced than you are seem wise?  Then why not tell them!  You have the power to improve a friend's mood by telling them what a treasure they are to you.  You can encourage a young child to try a new task by saying, You're catching on!  You can influence an adolescent to make a positive choice by noticing and remarking upon it when they show responsible behavior.

You can do it!

Shape Changers

Personal identity and the wish to effect change in another

 Each person is unique and therein lies the joy of learning about someone new, in gaining a deeper understanding of someone familiar, of discovering the propensities of a developing child.  Each of us is a different combination of traits and talents.  Most adults take pride in the qualities they view as being distinct.  Sometimes you hear people making statements describing their own particular qualities---the things they see as making them who they are:  "I am a party girl."  "Bad luck follows me around." "I am a good worker." "My mother said I smiled more than any of her other kids."  "I am a picky eater." It seems like most of us enjoy and appreciate that we have our own unique identity.

And, yet, we often make tremendous effort to change another, to alter their identity.
Today I heard a lot of lamenting about others:  'If only he/she would change, I/we would be happy/our problems would be solved.'  As distressing as it is to focus on the troubling characteristics of someone close to us, it usually seems much, much harder to self-evaluate.

It seems to come more naturally to most people to notice the faults of others and to readily determine how another could improve.  In addition to complaining and evaluating others, it is quite common to blame relationship problems on the other.

So, despite the fact that we each find our own distinct persona to be of essential importance, we seem to believe that others could  readily conform to our ideas of how much better it would be if they would change.  It's a kind of blind spot.

The fact is, it is very difficult to change another person without their buy-in.  There are a few things worth a try, such as being an example of a person with the quality you are wishing to see in the other.
Sometimes one person can be a good influence on another. Or, if the problem is interpersonal, you can try changing your part of the pattern---logically, the pattern cannot continue in the same way if part of it is altered.  These are fairly subtle ways of trying to effect change.  A more direct method would be to tell the other how their behavior or habit or characteristic affects you personally.  Also, occasionally you can negotiate an agreement for a behavior change when interacting with you; if you get an agreement, you have accomplished a degree of change.

But, for the most part, you cannot, no matter how much you may wish it, change another by force of will.  Even therapists---and I call myself a change artist---can't change a patient who isn't looking to transform or is, at least, receptive to suggestions for doing things differently or thinking in a new way.

Back to The Man in the Mirror (see earlier post).