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Making Hard Choices

"I have to take care of my own things before I can help anyone else."
He isn't the first one to say this.  But my client was entering the office
just at the point of receiving a call from his  s.o., crying on the phone.
He was clearly concerned.  I said, "...you seem pre-occupied, do you want to call her back right now?"
He answered, as written above.
We proceeded and he called her back, immediately, at the conclusion of our session.

Re-visiting The Night of Light

Here are two snapshots of art on exhibit at the art festival in Toronto, Canada posted earlier.
The inflated rabbit is by Jeff Koons and the dress tent is by Adrienne Pao and Robin Lasser. 
The event is annual, the entire city is full of art exhibits, indoors and out, some very large,

and goes on all night.

Re. On the Fit

"A man should first direct himself in the way he should go.  Only then should he instruct others.-Buddha"

By Buddhism: Your Daily Meditation, amidabuddha.org

More On Empathy

Here is a quote from one of the books I recommended to you; it's about self-understanding as well as, empathy;

"In addition to choosing different information, we each have access to different information.  For example, others have access to information about themselves that we don't.  They know the constraints they are under; we don't.  They know their hopes, dreams, and fears; we don't.  We act as if we've got access to all the important information there is to know about them, but we don't.  Their internal experience is far more complex than we imagine."

Difficult Conversations by D. Stone, B. Patton, and S. Heen

Another look at How's the Fit, June, 2009 Post

A man was journeying up a mountain.
He looked around and saw others going
A different way, even
A different direction.

"Fools!" he thought, "They are going the
Wrong way."

The man kept journeying until,
Years later, he reached the top---
It was a very high mountain.
And then, he saw
Those other Fools
They were on top of the mountain too.

Author Unknown

Depression Prevention

Sometimes the origin is in an early time of life; how we can understand this (in oneself) and possibly prevent it in others.

 A man talked to me today about his inability to motivate himself, specifically, in pursuit of his own interests.  He is willing to do for others and will find the energy to pitch in when presented with a need.  He loves "...being Julie's husband..." is very happy "...being Christopher's dad" but, "...there's a piece missing."
Sean is a responsible man who meets his obligations and tries always to not bother others or infringe on anyone else's activities.  He is noticeably intelligent and has some talents.  He has some wonderful character qualities, such as loyalty and tolerance.
His problem is with himself; he not only doesn't know what he would like to do and what  he wants, but does not even know what he likes.  At one point, he  described an absence of conflict:  How to find time to devote to a favorite hobby, resolving a dilemma about taking money from the family budget for an after-market addition to his vehicle---these kinds of things, some examples of common choice points, simply do not come up for him.  He knows that people struggle with these things (conflict between wish and obligation or, even conflict between two wishes) because he has noticed others debating these issues within themselves.

Can you imagine this?  If you are always chomping at the bit  to get to your next project or feeling frustrated because you can't find enough time for the avocations that interest you, or the opportunity to research an intriguing question eludes you, Sean's difficulty may seem odd.  As a matter of fact, I have seen a number of people, over the years, bring up the complaint that they don't know what they want.

How does this happen?  What do you think?   How does a person find themselves in this condition?

I suspect that in most cases, the seeds for this problem are sown early.  This particular individual, who has been told that he was a sensitive child, was oppressed during childhood.  Neglected.  His basic needs were met, but there was not only little or no attention paid to him emotionally.  He was also discouraged from even asking for what he might want.  The adults in his family found a child asking them for things to be an interference with their conduct of their own lives. There was no adult in his young life who had the capacity to mentor him.  No one was able to pay enough attention to notice what he was drawn to nor to listen to what he expressed an interest in.

As an adult, now with the chance to do the things he likes, he doesn't know where to begin.

If you are a parent, or the relative of a young child, it seems to me that a wonderful gift you can offer is to attend to the child and their unique attributes.  If the child shows  an interest in something, anything, from rock collecting, to pirates, to ballet, try to help the child develop that interest.  You could be contributing something so very important to that person's future; as a result, you will never be forgotten (an adult will one day have fond memories of you), and---you could be saving someone from a future of feeling lost like Sean does.
Did some kind adult help you as a child?  Have you paid attention to a child in your life?  

For Fun

                    To make you think or to generate a lively conversation or, possibly to make use of in 'small talk' social situations:  The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, PhD.

Co-ownership or Silent Partner

Today one of my patients put forward the possibility that there may be two kinds of people: One kind knows what they want and are intent on going after it.  They see their partner as someone who can help them in their quest.  The goal is clear.  The partner is expected to cooperate or, at least, that is the hope.  For some, the partner is even selected because of being seen as able to facilitate movement toward the goal.

The other kind says:  "What do you want?"  "What do you think?"  This person is in a joint venture, wants to consult with their partner and looks for an outcome that is the result of planning together.  In fact, the planning  is experienced as an enjoyable part of the process.
This one may not have the drive and clarity of the first but they have a real wish to know their partners ideas and wishes.  Their life together will, it is hoped, be a cooperative venture.

My patient is currently in a relationship with someone she describes as being like the first person described above.  She was comparing this experience to a former relationship with someone of the second type.

Her concluding comment on this topic was that perhaps she could benefit by developing more of the former attitude herself as she sees herself as always helping and supporting her partner's projects.  Sometimes one senses an underdeveloped quality of their own as being more active in another and that becomes attractive.

What do you like?  Are you attracted to the focused type with definite ideas about how life should be?  Or do you seek a partner who likes to make decisions that have been mutually decided upon?  Do you like to be asked your opinion?  Or do you enjoy an adventuresome, active individualist?

Do you see yourself in either of these categories?  Or, perhaps as a person with some of each?  Would you like to be more one way than the other?  Just something to think about.