The Delivery

How communication style can make all the difference.

 It's all in the delivery!
You can say very hard things, problematic things, controversial things, to most people without stirring up rancor  if your tone of voice is agreeable.  If your demeanor, that is, your tone of voice, your body language, your volume, and your movements are not aggressive, you are much less likely to provoke a defensive reaction.  Without defensiveness on the part of the other person, you are more likely to be heard.

A side note: Some people have a habit of not listening well to others and reduce their attention to the meta massage and what they determine to be, the main point.  This person scans, rather than attending to detail.  In this situation, what I am proposing might play an even more significant part in the communication process.

(The meta-message refers to the general, overall message, the larger outline, the impression.)

It is an almost stunning experience when you first begin tying this; talk to your friend, or relative, or co-worker about something which you had apprehension about saying.  Your calm, low-key delivery may allow the other person to receive information that you thought would not be possible.

There is a catch:  You can't fake it.  It's remarkable how these automatic feelers we all  have will pick up insincerity.  So, before you go to deliver your difficult message, you have to stop and sort yourself out.  If you are going to have a peaceful tone of voice, you have to be peaceful inside yourself.  Give yourself a chance at success by calming yourself, centering yourself, forming a non-aggressive presentation, and maybe even visualizing the exchange going smoothly.

A book on this subject, Difficult Conversations, how to discuss what matters most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen came highly recommended to me by an esteemed colleague (Ellen Zuker, PhD, psychologist).  So I am passing this on to you although I usually will only recommend books I have read myself.  On that note, a related book is Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand, women and men in conversation.  She is a socio-linguist who did an anthropological study of the differences in the way that women and men use language and communicate.  I think of this as the more scholarly version of the very popular Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, a practical guide for improving communication and getting what you want in your relationship by John Gray, PhD.  I liked his ideas too and many of my clients found his book very readable.  His is one of the few so-called self-help books that I have found to be popular with men.

Most people take in the so-called meta-message.  They tune into the larger picture; they look for cues and clues as to what the speaker is trying to convey.  And they react to what they sense.  If your approach is amenable or low-key or even, let's just say, courteous, you have a better chance of being heard.  I discovered this myself, just by trying it.  And I have observed it in couples counseling and had it reported to me by individual patients again and again.  So, while ideas like this can never be guaranteed, it's worth a try.
Give the gentle delivery a chance.

Transitions

Some people are fascinated by what's next.  the new, the novel, is what captures their attention.  It isn't that they don't like traditions---but they are looking forward to the next holiday, not pondering the last one.  These types often have an intuitive sense of what the future holds and are quick to identify trends.

The other type feel deeply about what has happened in the past.  For them, it is important to remember, and a pleasure to review, enjoyable events of the recent or far past.  Memories carry meaning and contribute to bonds with others.

Both of these types can change in therapy.  The path each takes may look a little different but the benefit is still there for both types.

Some people find making the transitions that life always demands, to be quite a challenge; others maneuver them quite readily.  I am convinced that there is a genetic component to this tendency since we can see it in babies.  Some stay calmer as they are moved to a different environment or a different person enters the scene and some show distress the minute the current flow is interrupted.  Parents who notice can help the first type to learn to entertain themselves and help the second type to stay centered in the face of change.

Autumn is a transitional time offered by nature.

The Night of Light

If you are in the area, this promises to be a wonderful event.
http://www.scotiabanknuitblanche.ca/zone.shtml

"I've Lost 38 pounds..."

How you can surprise yourself when working in therapy.

 "I've lost 38 pounds since I began seeing you!"  I heard this on Friday from a patient who's been attending weekly therapy sessions for a few years.  What's noteworthy about this happy report from her is that this was not the reason she entered therapy.  And this happens, more or less with most people.  That is, while they are focusing on one problem, another begins to change.  It's the magic of therapy.

Or, as a chiropractor once joked to me, "The hip bone's connected to the leg bone...", etc.  We are not a number of separate pieces enclosed in a container.  Not only do various parts of the body affect each other (in health or illness), not only is the body connected to the brain, but the various aspects of our psyches are interconnected also.
This woman came to therapy with a laundry list of complicated family problems in her immediate and extended family.  We've worked a lot on sorting out that laundry!  Also, we've begun looking at her own patterns of reaction to some of her long-standing interpersonal issues.
 As we continued on, at one point, we decided to make health a part of our focus.  For awhile, she had me check in regularly with her on her food choices, exercise routine and specific-to-her, medical concerns.  She began occasional meetings with a personal trainer.  So, some of this work is pretty close to the subject of 'dieting' but we never embarked on that kind of a program for her.  The weight loss occurred naturally; it is an outcome of the therapy we never aimed for.
It is a healthy change, in her case, because  her weight was over 200 pounds and she has high blood pressure.
But there are examples like this occurring all the time in therapy.  A man came in because of depression, never mentioned his fear of heights and one day, climbed a ladder and discovered---no fear!
A woman entered therapy over the loss of a relationship and, after 5 years in treatment---looking at many aspects of her present and past life during that time---found that a series of experiences she had as an adolescent were at the level of trauma.  These were events she had always shrugged off as, "...just something that happened." only to find that she was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  She is still in therapy, finding it beneficial at 7 years.

How much a person opens up to themselves, how much they value the work of therapy and, to an extent, how long they stay in the process affect how much this magic happens.  But I think it happens, to some degree in nearly every case:  Some people have a more discrete expectation when they enter therapy; they may have an acute problem and just want some objective feedback.  Or they subscribe to the idea that two heads are better than one; they just want someone outside of their personal sphere to help them think things through.  Even in that situation, there will be some experience of relief or psychological nourishment, just in having the opportunity to be heard out.
At each session, a therapist puts the outside world out, sets aside their own issues and pays thorough attention to the patient before them.  A therapist puts a lot of energy into focusing on a person who
participates weekly for an extended period of time.  So, we may sometimes, out of all that listening and observing, think of these extenuating aspects to the person or their life even if they don't. But, not always.

So, sometimes, we are both surprised.

That, I think, is the magic of therapy.

Have you surprised yourself in your therapy?

Meditation

From The Outside In

In a wish to grow, to develop, or to change, it is possible to work from the inside out or from the outside in. If we change our behaviors (outer), it effects our feelings (inner). If we change our mind about how we've been viewing something (inner), it will probably change what we do (outer). And, of course, it's possible to put effort in both directions.

Often, just following a new understanding of a conundrum they've been struggling with, a patient will say: "So now, what do I do about it?" They haven't realized yet that change will emerge naturally out of their new perspective. Insight leads to change.
Here's a woman who works from the outside to help people feel better about themselves. She writes: "The essence of authenticity is to live according to your own internal voice...Your appearance can enhance your sense of energy, vitality and vigor." That was written by Deborah Francesconi, R.N, (a former psychiatric nurse, now an aesthetic nurse specialist). In a nutshell, she says here what I have proposed in this entry.
She currently has a very practical list of how to take good care of your skin (for adult women and men too-children's care would be different). Putting a little attention on self-care contributes to our self-esteem. Here is her website: http://rn4beautifulskin.com/

Saying A Lot With A Little

And, a third: "I have been turning myself into a pretzel trying to stay married to her."

Wise Words

                    A second quote from a patient: "We make our own happiness."

Feeling Well

If you are interested in learning more about The Feldenkrais method, as mentioned in the entry titled, Not A Know-It-All, Lauren McLeod (teacher) recently introduced me to a nice book on the subject titled, Move Into Life by Anat Baniel.
I am just learning the ropes of blogging and ran into trouble when I tried to put a link for you to Lauren's website. However, you can easily find her yourself by searching her name. And, of course, there are many other teachers of this method for renewing your physical vitality.
Please share any book titles you know that might help us to learn about this subject.