"I've Lost 38 pounds..."

How you can surprise yourself when working in therapy.

 "I've lost 38 pounds since I began seeing you!"  I heard this on Friday from a patient who's been attending weekly therapy sessions for a few years.  What's noteworthy about this happy report from her is that this was not the reason she entered therapy.  And this happens, more or less with most people.  That is, while they are focusing on one problem, another begins to change.  It's the magic of therapy.

Or, as a chiropractor once joked to me, "The hip bone's connected to the leg bone...", etc.  We are not a number of separate pieces enclosed in a container.  Not only do various parts of the body affect each other (in health or illness), not only is the body connected to the brain, but the various aspects of our psyches are interconnected also.
This woman came to therapy with a laundry list of complicated family problems in her immediate and extended family.  We've worked a lot on sorting out that laundry!  Also, we've begun looking at her own patterns of reaction to some of her long-standing interpersonal issues.
 As we continued on, at one point, we decided to make health a part of our focus.  For awhile, she had me check in regularly with her on her food choices, exercise routine and specific-to-her, medical concerns.  She began occasional meetings with a personal trainer.  So, some of this work is pretty close to the subject of 'dieting' but we never embarked on that kind of a program for her.  The weight loss occurred naturally; it is an outcome of the therapy we never aimed for.
It is a healthy change, in her case, because  her weight was over 200 pounds and she has high blood pressure.
But there are examples like this occurring all the time in therapy.  A man came in because of depression, never mentioned his fear of heights and one day, climbed a ladder and discovered---no fear!
A woman entered therapy over the loss of a relationship and, after 5 years in treatment---looking at many aspects of her present and past life during that time---found that a series of experiences she had as an adolescent were at the level of trauma.  These were events she had always shrugged off as, "...just something that happened." only to find that she was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  She is still in therapy, finding it beneficial at 7 years.

How much a person opens up to themselves, how much they value the work of therapy and, to an extent, how long they stay in the process affect how much this magic happens.  But I think it happens, to some degree in nearly every case:  Some people have a more discrete expectation when they enter therapy; they may have an acute problem and just want some objective feedback.  Or they subscribe to the idea that two heads are better than one; they just want someone outside of their personal sphere to help them think things through.  Even in that situation, there will be some experience of relief or psychological nourishment, just in having the opportunity to be heard out.
At each session, a therapist puts the outside world out, sets aside their own issues and pays thorough attention to the patient before them.  A therapist puts a lot of energy into focusing on a person who
participates weekly for an extended period of time.  So, we may sometimes, out of all that listening and observing, think of these extenuating aspects to the person or their life even if they don't. But, not always.

So, sometimes, we are both surprised.

That, I think, is the magic of therapy.

Have you surprised yourself in your therapy?

Meditation

From The Outside In

In a wish to grow, to develop, or to change, it is possible to work from the inside out or from the outside in. If we change our behaviors (outer), it effects our feelings (inner). If we change our mind about how we've been viewing something (inner), it will probably change what we do (outer). And, of course, it's possible to put effort in both directions.

Often, just following a new understanding of a conundrum they've been struggling with, a patient will say: "So now, what do I do about it?" They haven't realized yet that change will emerge naturally out of their new perspective. Insight leads to change.
Here's a woman who works from the outside to help people feel better about themselves. She writes: "The essence of authenticity is to live according to your own internal voice...Your appearance can enhance your sense of energy, vitality and vigor." That was written by Deborah Francesconi, R.N, (a former psychiatric nurse, now an aesthetic nurse specialist). In a nutshell, she says here what I have proposed in this entry.
She currently has a very practical list of how to take good care of your skin (for adult women and men too-children's care would be different). Putting a little attention on self-care contributes to our self-esteem. Here is her website: http://rn4beautifulskin.com/

Saying A Lot With A Little

And, a third: "I have been turning myself into a pretzel trying to stay married to her."

Wise Words

                    A second quote from a patient: "We make our own happiness."

Feeling Well

If you are interested in learning more about The Feldenkrais method, as mentioned in the entry titled, Not A Know-It-All, Lauren McLeod (teacher) recently introduced me to a nice book on the subject titled, Move Into Life by Anat Baniel.
I am just learning the ropes of blogging and ran into trouble when I tried to put a link for you to Lauren's website. However, you can easily find her yourself by searching her name. And, of course, there are many other teachers of this method for renewing your physical vitality.
Please share any book titles you know that might help us to learn about this subject.

A Rhetorical Question

Posed by one of my patients recently, it occurred to me that this could function as a highlight or exclamation point for part of the entry, The Geography of Friendships. The question was: "Who would you choose to be isolated on an island with? Forever."

Not a Know-It -All

Tonight I am writing about the value of curiosity. Curiosity, it seems to me, has a lot of practical value. One that comes to mind is in reference to the blog I wrote on the difficulties of and the value of, shy people http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/shyly.html.  ~True interest in other individuals can decrease some of the awkwardness a shy person may feel in a social situation with new people. The really reticent shy person need not necessarily even come up with a lot of questions when using this asset in a social setting. If there is a real interest in learning about another person, the shy person will listen with sincere attention; this is usually experienced as such a refreshing change that the other person will happily offer some personal information and, thus, the two are visiting!

~Curiosity is a wonderful attitude for a parent to have toward their child. How fortunate would a child be who had parents who would look for their child's unique talents, who would be alert to what absorbs their child's interests, who would just sometimes wonder, who is this person, who is my child becoming. It's just an attitude on the part of a parent that allows and encourages more individual development. It is a different approach for a parent to take from the position of feeling charged with the job of molding a child.

~The Feldenkrais Method teaches us to be curious about how our bodies work, all human bodies as well as the idiosyncrasies of our own particular body. It seems to me to be a good idea to pay some attention to this in light of the fact that we take care of our own health most of the time, most of our lives.

~Curiosity provokes you to pursue an answer, to seek information, and to learn. The more you know, usually the better your decision-making process. My Dad had a technique for getting the job done. When I had a paper to write for school, he told me to do all my prep work, reading, research, whatever I needed to do, then 'sleep on it' and write it the next day. This taught me to trust my own mental process. But the interest in finding out something about the subject has to be there first!

~Curiosity can be the antidote to rage. If you have an on-going difficulty with someone in your life, I suggest getting curious about that person. Start wondering. You might even ask out loud sometime, why would you say that? Or just ponder (instead of mentally listing and re-listing your resentments) what the thing is about, from that person's point of view...It is possible to shift out of bitterness and into an inquiring state of mind (better for you).

And finally, for now, back to M.J.'s "Man in the Mirror", http://therapiststhoughts.blogspot.com/2009/08/man-in-mirror.html curiosity about yourself---why did I do that? How did I say such a thing? Where was I coming from when I made that choice?  When did I start this as a habit? What are my values?---is one of the paths to self-understanding and personal growth.

I certainly would not want to see a therapist who thought they knew it all before I walked in the door. And, I find that my own interest in finding out about, trying to understand, my patient's unique perspective is what leads me to give good attention.
 Sometimes asking beats telling.

The Man In The Mirror

Michael Jackson, a controversial figure to be sure, gave us this song. Here was a person who spent his life reviled by some and adored by others, ridiculed in the media and worshipped by his fans. And, yet despite that massive and constant distraction, was able to generate this idea:
...If you want the world to be a better place
Take a look at yourself and, change...
This is a poem, if you will,about introspection and responsibility. It directs us, admonishes us, to be accountable. To whom? To ourselves. Did Michael Jackson, the quintessential public figure, heed his own advice? The answer to that is private, as is your own answer to that question. Whether or not you take a look at the man in the mirror,that is, whether you self-reflect or not, is your own business. It is a choice.
There are people who choose to go through life, unaware. they would rather not self-observe, question their own behavior, wonder---"What makes me tick?" This is, as a matter of fact, most people. Once adulthood is achieved, and basic needs are met, their choice is to be comfortable. They'd like to do things that are familiar and at which they are already competent. Awkward,unusual,challenging experiences are left behind-in childhood and adolescence.

Scott Peck wrote about the unusual individual who pursues new practices and wishes to be self-informed in his book, The Road Less Traveled (a best-seller) and so did Abraham Maslow in his books and research on "the self-actualizing person". Those who choose the lesser traveled road toward becoming self-aware may commit to this path early on as a life-long pursuit. Others come to it later---sometimes as a result of a life-crisis which may force a re-evaluation.
Some of the people who present themselves as patients in a therapy office are on this path.